The Office Quotes
Michael Scott: Go ahead, punch me.
Jim Halpert: Can't. Just got a manicure
Michael Scott: Oh, queer! [remembers he's on camera]
Michael Scott: ... eye. Queer Eye. That's a good show. Important show.
TV Show: The Office
Michael Scott: I am Michael, and I am part English, Irish, German, and Scottish, sort of a virtual United Nations.
TV Show: The Office
Michael Scott: I don't want somebody sucking up to me because they think I'm going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me.
TV Show: The Office
Michael Scott: I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since I don't have a butler, I have to do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it's good for me, it's the perfect way to start the day.
TV Show: The Office
Michael Scott: I guess the atmosphere that I've tried to create here is that I'm a friend first and a boss second, and probably an entertainer third.
TV Show: The Office
Michael Scott: I hope nobody takes this baby cause this is great. Wow, look at that fine craftsmanship. Somebody really put a lot of work into that. It's beautiful.
Meredith: I'll take the oven mitt.
Michael Scott: Sssssssucker! See, I wanted somebody to take it! Reverse psychology!
Michael Scott: Reverse psychology is an awesome tool, I don't know if you guys know about it, but basically you can make someone think the opposite of what you believe, and that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm.
TV Show: The Office
Michael Scott: I know 'grumble grumble', but you would follow me to the ends of the earth grumblin' all the way. Like that uh dwarf from "Lord of the Rings".
Dwight Schrute: Gimli.
Michael Scott: Nerd. That is why you're not on the team.
Dwight Schrute: Just tryin' to be helpful.
Michael Scott: Oh ul, I'll ul. Dragon Slayer. Ten point power sword.
Jim Halpert: That's him.
TV Show: The Office
Michael Scott: I learned improv from the greats, like Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles.
TV Show: The Office
Michael Scott: I need something personal... like an illness.
Dwight Schrute: Well, she had a hysterectomy.
Michael Scott: Which one is that again?
Dwight Schrute: That's when they remove the uterus -...
Michael Scott: No! Dwight! God...
TV Show: The Office
Michael Scott: I swore to myself if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh as they saw me coming, and they'd applaud as I walked away.
TV Show: The Office
Michael Scott: I'm friends with everybody in this office. We're all best friends. I love everybody here. But sometimes your best friends start coming into work late and start having dentist appointments that aren't dentist appointments, and that is when it's nice to let them know that you could beat them up.
TV Show: The Office
Michael Scott: Jim is a friend of mine, so the only people this crush really concerns is Jim and Pam. And me.
TV Show: The Office
Michael Scott: Last week I would've given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would've reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them. But now, no. I don't have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask, so they can hear me say, "Uh, no, I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney."
TV Show: The Office
Michael Scott: Look, about you and Jim, I...
Pam Beesley: Oh no, that's-you don't have to...
Michael Scott: I, no, I just feel it's my responsibility as your boss-slash-friend...
Pam Beesley: No, it's really-it's ok. Um, I know that Jim, like, had a crush on me when he first started, but that was a long time ago, so...
Michael Scott: It wasn't that long ago. It was on the booze cruise.
Pam Beesley: [Puzzled] Jim had a crush on me on the booze cruise, or he told you about it on the booze cruise?
Michael Scott: Uh-uh. Ok... shut it, Michael. I'm done, that's it. I'm out. [Pam leaves, now wondering what really happened]
TV Show: The Office
Michael Scott: Oh, and another fun thing. We, at the end of the night, are going to give the check to an actual group of Boy Scouts. Right, Toby? We're gonna...
Toby: Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children since it's, uh, you know, there's gambling and alcohol. And it's in our dangerous warehouse. And it's a school night. And, you know, Hooters is catering. Is that enou-is that enough? Should I keep going?
Michael Scott: Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not... that way. I hate... so much about the things that you choose to be.
TV Show: The Office
Michael Scott: That is a perfectly good mini Christmas tree. We are going to sell that to charity because that is what Christmas is all about.
TV Show: The Office
Michael Scott: The most sacred thing I do is care... Today I am in charge of picking a great new healthcare plan. Right? That's what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um, yes. Like a specialist.
TV Show: The Office
Michael Scott: This is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell outta here.
TV Show: The Office
Michael Scott: This is our receptionist, Pam. If you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple years ago.
TV Show: The Office
Michael Scott: Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he's really not a part of our family. Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of his family.
TV Show: The Office
Michael Scott: What is the single most important thing for a company? Is it the building? Is it the stock? Is it the turnover? It's the people. The *people*. My proudest moment here wasn't when I increased profits by 17%, or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No, no, no, no. It was a young Guatamalan guy, first job in the country, hardly spoke a word of English, but he came to me and he went "Mr. Scott, will you be the Godfather to my child?" Wow. *Wow.* Didn't work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked.
TV Show: The Office
Michael Scott: Would I rather be feared or loved? Um... Easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
TV Show: The Office
Michael Scott: Yeah, I went hunting once. Shot a deer in the leg. Had to kill it with a shovel. Took about an hour. Why do you ask?
TV Show: The Office
Michael Scott: Yes. It is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and... I have a great one. "Little Kid Lover". That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.
TV Show: The Office
Michael Scott: You know what they say the best medicine is.
Kevin: Well, the doctor said a combination of Interferon and Dacarbazine.
Michael Scott: And laughter, also.
TV Show: The Office
Michael Scott: You may look around, and see two groups here. White collar, blue collar. But I don't see it that way. You know why not? Because I am collar-blind.
TV Show: The Office