The Office Quotes
Michael Scott: [just arrived at party, uninvited, and notices I.T. guy, who wears a turban] Aw, come on! That guy? [pauses, looks at camera]
Michael Scott: He is a good guy, not a terrorist.
Michael Scott: He is a good guy, not a terrorist.
TV Show: The Office
Rowan: I'm gonna play a very bad hotel manager who just doesn't care, and...
David Brent: Sorry, if it's a Basil Fawlty type character, well, er, maybe I should do it, just for the comedy.
Rowan: Let me play it, just to kick things off.
David Brent: Yeah, well I'll probably bring something to this role anyway.
David Brent: Sorry, if it's a Basil Fawlty type character, well, er, maybe I should do it, just for the comedy.
Rowan: Let me play it, just to kick things off.
David Brent: Yeah, well I'll probably bring something to this role anyway.
TV Show: The Office
Toby Flenderson: We should really have the office's air quality tested. We have rayon coming from below we have asbestos in the ceilings. These are silent killers.
Michael Scott: You are the silent killer.
Michael Scott: You are the silent killer.
TV Show: The Office
[a pornographic picture with Brent's head superimposed on is discovered on someone's email]
David Brent: Who else has seen this filth? [everyone puts their hand up, including Joan the cleaning lady]
David Brent: You haven't even got email, Joan.
Joan: Someone printed it out for me.
David Brent: Who printed this out for Joan? [everyone puts their hand up again]
David Brent: Well. I'm angry. And not because I'm in it, but because it degrades women, which I hate. And the culprit, whoever he is, is in this room. Or she, it could be a woman. Women are as filthy as men. Not naming any names - I don't know any - but women... are... dirty.
David Brent: Who else has seen this filth? [everyone puts their hand up, including Joan the cleaning lady]
David Brent: You haven't even got email, Joan.
Joan: Someone printed it out for me.
David Brent: Who printed this out for Joan? [everyone puts their hand up again]
David Brent: Well. I'm angry. And not because I'm in it, but because it degrades women, which I hate. And the culprit, whoever he is, is in this room. Or she, it could be a woman. Women are as filthy as men. Not naming any names - I don't know any - but women... are... dirty.
TV Show: The Office
[Gareth's phone rings. He puts it on Speaker]
Gareth: Gareth Keenan. Hello.
Ange: Hi baby. It's Ange. [Tim, Dawn and Rachel all look up, alarmed to hear a woman's voice]
Gareth: [embarrassed] All right.
Ange: Are you coming round tonight?
Gareth: I can't I'm going up Chasers with the lads.
Ange: Oh come round first. We'll have a bit of time together.
Gareth: All right.
Ange: Have some fun.
Gareth: Yep. Okay.
Ange: Are you going to bring the toys again? [Gareth embarrased, hurriedly picks the phone up]
Gareth: Erm, Yeah... okay... yeah... look forward to... doing it to you too. All right, bye. [Gareth puts the phone down. There is a stunned silence]
Tim: The Toys?
Gareth: Shut up.
Tim: What are the toys? Is it Buckaroo? It's not Boggle is it?
Gareth: Shut up.
Tim: If it's Kerplunk I'm coming round.
Gareth: It was a private phone call, so...
Tim: Well, don't put it on speakerphone then Gareth. [turns round to talk to Rachel]
Tim: Yeah the Jolly Farmer sounds good... [turns back to Gareth]
Tim: Is it Hungry Hippos?
Gareth: Gareth Keenan. Hello.
Ange: Hi baby. It's Ange. [Tim, Dawn and Rachel all look up, alarmed to hear a woman's voice]
Gareth: [embarrassed] All right.
Ange: Are you coming round tonight?
Gareth: I can't I'm going up Chasers with the lads.
Ange: Oh come round first. We'll have a bit of time together.
Gareth: All right.
Ange: Have some fun.
Gareth: Yep. Okay.
Ange: Are you going to bring the toys again? [Gareth embarrased, hurriedly picks the phone up]
Gareth: Erm, Yeah... okay... yeah... look forward to... doing it to you too. All right, bye. [Gareth puts the phone down. There is a stunned silence]
Tim: The Toys?
Gareth: Shut up.
Tim: What are the toys? Is it Buckaroo? It's not Boggle is it?
Gareth: Shut up.
Tim: If it's Kerplunk I'm coming round.
Gareth: It was a private phone call, so...
Tim: Well, don't put it on speakerphone then Gareth. [turns round to talk to Rachel]
Tim: Yeah the Jolly Farmer sounds good... [turns back to Gareth]
Tim: Is it Hungry Hippos?
TV Show: The Office
Neil Godwin: I don't let anyone talk to me the way you just did - not my staff, not my boss, no one - certainly not you.
TV Show: The Office
Gareth: All right then Einstein if you're so clever, what am I thinking about now?
Tim: You're thinking how could I kill a tiger armed only with a biro?
Gareth: No.
Tim: You're thinking if I crash land in the jungle can I survive by eating my own shoes?
Gareth: No and no you can't.
Tim: What are you thinking Gareth?
Gareth: "I was thinking will there ever be a boy born who can swim faster then a shark?
TV Show: The Office
Gareth: Condoms come in all different flavours nowadays. There's strawberry and curry and that. Do you like curry?
TV Show: The Office
Gareth: I can read women. You've got to know their wants and their needs. And that can be anything from making sure she's got enough money to buy groceries each week to making sure she's gratified sexually after intercourse.
TV Show: The Office
Gareth: If you like Top Trumps, you should come to me. I've got about five different sets. Don't try to beat me at Monster Trucks, though, 'cos you won't. My speciality.
Rachel: Yeah, it's a game of chance though, isn't it? It's what you...
Gareth: No, it's not. I would know what cards you've got immediately just through what cards I've got. I used to play it by myself, with a dummy hand just testing out every different scenario of which cards would beat which other cards for hours, sometimes three or four at a time. But put in the work, the rewards are obvious. So I'd know exactly what card you've got in your hand from what cards I've got and I would know, probability wise, exactly what feature to pick on my card to defeat, statistically, any card that you could have in your hand at that precise moment. You will never win. [pause]
Gareth: Could still be fun, though.
TV Show: The Office
Gareth: I'm not homophobic, all right? Come around, look at my C.D collection. You'll find Queen, George Michael, Pet Shop Boys. They're all bummers.
TV Show: The Office
Gareth: My dad, for example, he's not as cosmopolitan or as educated as me and it can be embarrasing you know. He doesn't understand all the new trendy words - like he'll say "poofs" instead of "gays", "birds" instead of "women", "darkies" instead of "coloureds".
TV Show: The Office
Gareth: That's one reason why gays shouldn't be allowed into the army. Because if we're in battle, is he going to be looking at the enemy, or is he going to be looking at me and going "Ooh. He looks tasty in his uniform". And I'm not homophobic, all right? Come round, look at my CDs. You'll see Queen, George Michael, Pet Shop Boys. They're all bummers.
TV Show: The Office
Gareth: We go there every Wednesday night, and it's a fun place, but it's full of loose women. My own problem with that is venereal disease, which is disabilitating right, especially for a soldier. And it's irresponsible to the rest of your unit as well, right. You've been under attack for days, there's a soldier down, he's wounded, gangrene's setting in, 'who's used all the penicillin?' 'Oh, Mark Paxon sir, he's got knobrot off some tart'
TV Show: The Office
Gareth: Well, I'm glad we had this little chat. I don't want you to think of me as your boss...
Donna: Well, you're not.
Gareth: Well, I'm higher up than you, so I am. What I'm saying is, don't think of me as a boss, but know that I am.
Donna: I don't think you are.
Gareth: [getting really defensive] Well, I'm team leader, so I am. I'm higher up than you.
TV Show: The Office
Gareth: Yes, I've had office romances. Not here. At another place I worked at. Good-looking ones, as well. But they're not a good idea, office romances. It's like shitting on your own doorstep. I've had loads of offers here, but I go 'no way, distracting'. And that's actually one of the major arguments against letting gay men into the army. And I haven't got a problem with that, right. A gay man's not gonna put me off, I can look after myself. But if you're in battle is he gonna be looking at the enemy or at me, going "Ooh... he looks tasty in his uniform"
TV Show: The Office
Gareth: You're so immature.
Tim: [Making a phone call] Oh Gareth, If there is one thing that I am not, it is immature.
Gareth: You are an immature little tosser. [Gareth's Mobile rings he answers it]
Gareth: Gareth Keenan.
Tim: [Childishly into his phone] Cock. [Gareth slams his mobile down]
TV Show: The Office
Dawn: A real relationship isn't like a fairy tale, if you think that for the next forty years, every time you see each other you're going to glow, or, every time you hold hands there's going to be electricity, then, you're kidding yourself really. What about reliability, or er, someone paying the mortgage, or someone who's never been out of work. Those are the more important, practical things, you know. In reality.
TV Show: The Office
Dawn: I'd be lying if I said my life had turned out exactly as I'd expected. My old school recently had a reunion, which I didn't go to, but one girl in my class it turns out, right, she is now running her own Internet auction website, making a fortune, and is happily married to a marine biologist. She used to eat chalk.
TV Show: The Office
Tim: If you look at life like rolling a dice, then my situation now, as it stands - yeah, it may only be a 3. If I jack that in now, go for something bigger and better, yeah, I could easily roll a six - no problem, I could roll a 6... I could also roll a 1. OK? So, I think sometimes... Just leave the dice alone.
TV Show: The Office
Tim: It's like an alarm clock's gone off, and I've just got to get away. I think it was John Lennon who said: "Life is what happens when you're making other plans.", and that's how I feel. Although he also said: "I am the Walrus I am the eggman" so I don't know what to believe.
TV Show: The Office
Tim: No I don't talk about my love life for a very good reason, and that reason is I don't have one. Which is very good news for the ladies-I am still available. I'm a heck of a catch, cos, er well look at it. I live in Slough, in a lovely house, with my parents. I have my own room, which I've had since yep, since I was born. That's seen a lot of action I tell you. Mainly dusting. I went to university for a year as well, before I dropped out, so I'm a quitter. So, er, form an orderly queue ladies.
TV Show: The Office
Tim: The people you work with are people you were just thrown together with. I mean, you don't know them, it wasn't your choice. And yet you spend more time with them than you do your friends or your family. But probably all you have in common is the fact that you walk around on the same bit of carpet for eight hours a day.
TV Show: The Office
David Brent: A philosopher once wrote you need three things to have a good life. One, a meaningful relationship, two, a decent job of work, and three, to make a difference. And it was always that third one that stressed me, to make a difference. And I realise that I do. Every day, we all do. It's how we interact, with our fellow man.
Peter: How would you like to be remembered?
David Brent: Simply, as, the man who put a smile on the face of all who he met.
TV Show: The Office
David Brent: Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.
TV Show: The Office
David Brent: How old would you say I was, if you didn't know me?
Employee: Forty?
David Brent: No, how old do you think I look?
Employee: Ummm... thirty-nine?
David Brent: Most people think I look about thirty.
Employee: Definitely not.
David Brent: Oh, are you calling them liars? How old do YOU think I look?
Oliver: Between thirty and forty?
David Brent: Yes. More honest.
TV Show: The Office