NCIS Quotes
Tony: You want to learn about being a real man, McGee, you've got to study the Japanese samurai. These guys are like Gibbs, with even bigger stones and less to say.
McGee: Is that even possible?
McGee: Is that even possible?
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: Aren't you hot?
Ziva: [smirks] I've been told that before.
Tony: I'm talking about temperature!
Ziva: Stop complaining. This is what winter feels like in Israel.
Tony: Well, we're not in Israel. We're in the good, old U.S. of A, my little immigrant friend, where we like to embrace central air, not melanoma.
Ziva: [smirks] I've been told that before.
Tony: I'm talking about temperature!
Ziva: Stop complaining. This is what winter feels like in Israel.
Tony: Well, we're not in Israel. We're in the good, old U.S. of A, my little immigrant friend, where we like to embrace central air, not melanoma.
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: Hey, any of you notice something different about Ducky?
McGee: Yeah, he has seemed awfully chipper as of late.
Tony: Ducky does seem plucky. No one loves rain in D.C.
Ziva: No, his ties! He's been wearing tie ties, not his bow ties.
Tony: Wow. That's very observant.
McGee: Yeah, he has seemed awfully chipper as of late.
Tony: Ducky does seem plucky. No one loves rain in D.C.
Ziva: No, his ties! He's been wearing tie ties, not his bow ties.
Tony: Wow. That's very observant.
TV Show: NCIS
McGee: I built an application for my phone.
Tony: Why is that important to what we're doing here?
McGee: With a vehicle's VIN number, you can access all the vehicle's pertinent information, including key and remote codes. Hack into a database, download all the codes, and there it is.
Tony: Wow. I'm glad that MIT education paid off for something, McGeek.
McGee: It is pretty super, isn't it?
Tony: I don't believe you.
McGee: Yeah, I'm not going to unlock the door for you, Tony.
Tony: Well, I don't think you could unlock the door, because if you could you'd prove it to me by doing it.
McGee: Uh, no --
Tony: [snatches phone and unlocks door] You should patent that.
Tony: Why is that important to what we're doing here?
McGee: With a vehicle's VIN number, you can access all the vehicle's pertinent information, including key and remote codes. Hack into a database, download all the codes, and there it is.
Tony: Wow. I'm glad that MIT education paid off for something, McGeek.
McGee: It is pretty super, isn't it?
Tony: I don't believe you.
McGee: Yeah, I'm not going to unlock the door for you, Tony.
Tony: Well, I don't think you could unlock the door, because if you could you'd prove it to me by doing it.
McGee: Uh, no --
Tony: [snatches phone and unlocks door] You should patent that.
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: I found candy leftover from Valentine's day.
Tony: Candy from who?
Ziva: Why does it matter?
Tony: It matters because you didn't eat it and so that person must not mean very much to you. It means something!
Ziva: It means nothing.
Tony: Well I'm glad I wasn't your valentine.
Ziva: So am I!
Tony: Candy from who?
Ziva: Why does it matter?
Tony: It matters because you didn't eat it and so that person must not mean very much to you. It means something!
Ziva: It means nothing.
Tony: Well I'm glad I wasn't your valentine.
Ziva: So am I!
TV Show: NCIS
Gibbs: I wanted to see how Jensen lived.
Tony: It says a lot about a man. Take your house for instance: clean, no nonsense, stoic.
Gibbs: Stoic? My house is stoic?
Tony: Understated, then?
Gibbs: I planted some roses last weekend. Red ones. Are red roses stoic?
Tony: Well, they're prickly and thorny.
Tony: It says a lot about a man. Take your house for instance: clean, no nonsense, stoic.
Gibbs: Stoic? My house is stoic?
Tony: Understated, then?
Gibbs: I planted some roses last weekend. Red ones. Are red roses stoic?
Tony: Well, they're prickly and thorny.
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: What is CGIS?
McGee: Coast Guard Investigative Service.
Ziva: The Coast Guard has an investigative branch?
McGee: Well, they're smaller than us, but with a wider law enforcement reach.
Ziva: But it is the Coast Guard!
Tony: Whoa, whoa. No need to get uppity. Yes, Virginia, there is a CGIS.
McGee: Now they may not have our track record, or our je ne sais quoi, but they are our legitimate sibling.
Tony: Like Corky in Life Goes On.
McGee: Coast Guard Investigative Service.
Ziva: The Coast Guard has an investigative branch?
McGee: Well, they're smaller than us, but with a wider law enforcement reach.
Ziva: But it is the Coast Guard!
Tony: Whoa, whoa. No need to get uppity. Yes, Virginia, there is a CGIS.
McGee: Now they may not have our track record, or our je ne sais quoi, but they are our legitimate sibling.
Tony: Like Corky in Life Goes On.
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: These are ocean charts. [points] This is where the Delilah was abandoned.
Tony: Calafuego. Treasure hunters.
Ziva: Is that was this is all about? Treasure?
Tony: Pirate treasure.
Ziva: Well this looks like David Jones' Locker.
Tony: Davy Jones'. He used to sing with The Monkees.
Ziva: Real monkeys?
Tony: I envy your brain sometimes.
Tony: Calafuego. Treasure hunters.
Ziva: Is that was this is all about? Treasure?
Tony: Pirate treasure.
Ziva: Well this looks like David Jones' Locker.
Tony: Davy Jones'. He used to sing with The Monkees.
Ziva: Real monkeys?
Tony: I envy your brain sometimes.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: Are you ready for the adventure of a lifetime?
Ziva: It is just a movie, Tony.
Tony: How dare you? [puts down popcorn and hands Ziva a drink] Is Mickey just a mouse? Ringling Brothers just a circus?
Ziva: Yes.
Tony: [chuckles] Well, you see, that's why you don't have any friends.
Ziva: I do have friends!
Tony: Really? Then what are you doing with me, watching a movie on a Friday night at work? Huh?
Ziva: You are my friend.
Tony: Really?
Ziva: No. My date canceled.
Tony: Mine, too. [They smile and begin to watch The Black Pirate]
Ziva: It is just a movie, Tony.
Tony: How dare you? [puts down popcorn and hands Ziva a drink] Is Mickey just a mouse? Ringling Brothers just a circus?
Ziva: Yes.
Tony: [chuckles] Well, you see, that's why you don't have any friends.
Ziva: I do have friends!
Tony: Really? Then what are you doing with me, watching a movie on a Friday night at work? Huh?
Ziva: You are my friend.
Tony: Really?
Ziva: No. My date canceled.
Tony: Mine, too. [They smile and begin to watch The Black Pirate]
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: [to Tony and McGee] You know what, you two? I have actually heard of this. You two are having a seven year bitch.
Tony: Itch, and yes we are.
Ziva: You two are like a married couple.
Gibbs: Oh, no they're not. They're still speaking.
Tony: Itch, and yes we are.
Ziva: You two are like a married couple.
Gibbs: Oh, no they're not. They're still speaking.
TV Show: NCIS
McGee: Hey, why'd the dead guy cross the road? To get home.
Tony: Yeah. You were funnier when you were fatter.
Tony: Yeah. You were funnier when you were fatter.
TV Show: NCIS
Gibbs: Abby --
Abby: No time for smalltalk, Gibbs, there's way too much to tell.
Gibbs: I only said 'Abby', Abby.
Abby: Well, now you've said it thrice.
Abby: No time for smalltalk, Gibbs, there's way too much to tell.
Gibbs: I only said 'Abby', Abby.
Abby: Well, now you've said it thrice.
TV Show: NCIS
McGee: Well, if it isn't T-Cadd.
Tony: What?
McGee: T-Cadd. It's what I'm calling you guys now. You know, the cute couples contraction? Tom-Kat, Bennifer, Brangelina.
Tony: Yeah, we got it McBitter.
McGee: You two are wearing the same suit, even. [they smile]
McCadden: Building security found the body. No blood, it looks like he was dumped. Multiple stab wounds to the back. We've definitely got a fifth victim.
Tony: Wounds on his arm, chest. This guy wasn't easy to take out.
McGee: He put up a fight.
McCadden: Killer had to be strong, we're probably looking for a male.
Tony: Or Ziva. [they laugh]
Tony: What?
McGee: T-Cadd. It's what I'm calling you guys now. You know, the cute couples contraction? Tom-Kat, Bennifer, Brangelina.
Tony: Yeah, we got it McBitter.
McGee: You two are wearing the same suit, even. [they smile]
McCadden: Building security found the body. No blood, it looks like he was dumped. Multiple stab wounds to the back. We've definitely got a fifth victim.
Tony: Wounds on his arm, chest. This guy wasn't easy to take out.
McGee: He put up a fight.
McCadden: Killer had to be strong, we're probably looking for a male.
Tony: Or Ziva. [they laugh]
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: McGee would know. Head shots are his specialty.
Ducky: What?
Palmer: He's referring to a videogame he's been playing way too much.
Ducky: Ah.
Tony: What's this surprising bit of editorializing coming from the once and future king of dorkland?
Palmer: Hey, I now have a girlfriend.
Tony: The king is dead. [gripping McGee's shoulder] Long live the king.
Ducky: What?
Palmer: He's referring to a videogame he's been playing way too much.
Ducky: Ah.
Tony: What's this surprising bit of editorializing coming from the once and future king of dorkland?
Palmer: Hey, I now have a girlfriend.
Tony: The king is dead. [gripping McGee's shoulder] Long live the king.
TV Show: NCIS
Palmer: It wasn't sand sand, like good sand. It was bad sand. Very bad sand. It made me break out in red welts.
Ducky: It wasn't the sand, Mr. Palmer, but the sand mite.
Palmer: The sand might what?
Ducky: The sand mite bit you.
Palmer: Sand bites?
Ducky: Well, sand mites might bite.
Palmer: I'm grammatically lost.
Ducky: But medically found. The tiny crustacean known as the mite. M-i-t-e.
Ducky: It wasn't the sand, Mr. Palmer, but the sand mite.
Palmer: The sand might what?
Ducky: The sand mite bit you.
Palmer: Sand bites?
Ducky: Well, sand mites might bite.
Palmer: I'm grammatically lost.
Ducky: But medically found. The tiny crustacean known as the mite. M-i-t-e.
TV Show: NCIS
Fornell: Thanks for doing it my way.
Gibbs: Yeah, don't mention it.
Fornell: I was being facetious.
Gibbs: Yeah, me too.
Gibbs: Yeah, don't mention it.
Fornell: I was being facetious.
Gibbs: Yeah, me too.
TV Show: NCIS
Agent Grady: You have to catch them! Now! Like, right now.
Tony: We're working on it.
Ziva: We have hit a shamu.
Grady: Does she mean snafu?
Tony: Roll with it.
Tony: We're working on it.
Ziva: We have hit a shamu.
Grady: Does she mean snafu?
Tony: Roll with it.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: Dear God... someone fed him after midnight.
Ziva: Jimmy, what happened to you?
Palmer: It turns out I am really allergic to henna. I can't reach back there, so do you think you guys could...?
Tony: I'm late for a squash game!
Ziva: I'm sorry, I've got to get the hell out of here.
Palmer: Please, guys! It really itches!
[Tony and Ziva make a run for the elevator, Jimmy runs after them.]
Tony: That's what girlfriends are for!
Palmer: I can get the top part!
Tony: Stay, stay, stay!
[They try to fend him off, but Jimmy gets on the elevator with them; all arguing at once.]
Ziva: No, no, no! Please, do not... that could be very contagious! I may have to hurt you massively.
Tony: She'll do it, she'll do it!
Palmer: I would do it for you!
Ziva: No, you wouldn't!
[Elevator doors close]
Ziva: Jimmy, what happened to you?
Palmer: It turns out I am really allergic to henna. I can't reach back there, so do you think you guys could...?
Tony: I'm late for a squash game!
Ziva: I'm sorry, I've got to get the hell out of here.
Palmer: Please, guys! It really itches!
[Tony and Ziva make a run for the elevator, Jimmy runs after them.]
Tony: That's what girlfriends are for!
Palmer: I can get the top part!
Tony: Stay, stay, stay!
[They try to fend him off, but Jimmy gets on the elevator with them; all arguing at once.]
Ziva: No, no, no! Please, do not... that could be very contagious! I may have to hurt you massively.
Tony: She'll do it, she'll do it!
Palmer: I would do it for you!
Ziva: No, you wouldn't!
[Elevator doors close]
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: So, what exactly are you looking for in Miss Right?
Tony: [laughs] Well, aside from the obvious physical requirements, I don't know. I guess she'd be a very independent woman, intelligent, successful, professional.
Ziva: Okay, just one question: what would this woman, possibly, see in you?
[They smile and walk away from each other]
Tony: [laughs] Well, aside from the obvious physical requirements, I don't know. I guess she'd be a very independent woman, intelligent, successful, professional.
Ziva: Okay, just one question: what would this woman, possibly, see in you?
[They smile and walk away from each other]
TV Show: NCIS
Director Vance: State Department has appointed Ms.Hart to be Alejandro’s legal counsel for the task force.
Gibbs: Of course they did.
Alejandro Rivera: I met Allison in Mexico City. We work well together.
Allison Hart: Alejandro was very helpful in my securing Colonel Bell’s release from prison.
Gibbs: Maybe we shouldn’t be cooperating, Leon.
Gibbs: Of course they did.
Alejandro Rivera: I met Allison in Mexico City. We work well together.
Allison Hart: Alejandro was very helpful in my securing Colonel Bell’s release from prison.
Gibbs: Maybe we shouldn’t be cooperating, Leon.
TV Show: NCIS
[Abby has been kindly invited by Alejandro Rivera to speak at a symposium in Mexico City]
McGee: You’re not going to go, are you?
Abby: Are you kidding? Why wouldn’t I go?
McGee: Well, I bet he just wants to find out how many tats you have.
Abby: Maybe I have a new one that you’re never going to see.
McGee: You’re not going to go, are you?
Abby: Are you kidding? Why wouldn’t I go?
McGee: Well, I bet he just wants to find out how many tats you have.
Abby: Maybe I have a new one that you’re never going to see.
TV Show: NCIS
Gibbs: You okay?
Tony: Not really. I broke rule number ten. Again. Never get personally involved in a case.
Gibbs: Yeah. That's the rule I've always had the most trouble with.
Tony: Not really. I broke rule number ten. Again. Never get personally involved in a case.
Gibbs: Yeah. That's the rule I've always had the most trouble with.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: I bet Abby could last longer than ten seconds playing random chat.
Ziva: You are obsessed.
Tony: You wouldn't understand.
Ziva: Why is that?
Tony: Because, being irritating is second nature to you. Me, I'm charming.
Ziva: [scoffs]
Ziva: You are obsessed.
Tony: You wouldn't understand.
Ziva: Why is that?
Tony: Because, being irritating is second nature to you. Me, I'm charming.
Ziva: [scoffs]
TV Show: NCIS
McGee: Now I understand why Tony took the couch in Paris.
Abby: Ziva said that she did.
[they look at each other understandingly]
Abby: Ziva said that she did.
[they look at each other understandingly]
TV Show: NCIS
Abby: Hi, Gibbs.
Gibbs: Hey, Abs.
Abby: Hi, Gibbs.
Gibbs: Hey, Abs.
Abby: Can I come in?
Gibbs: Yeah. You already are in.
Abby: Oh, right. Okay. It was nice talking to you.
Gibbs: Abs. Why are you here?
Abby: You know why I'm here. I matched the bullet in Pedro Martinez's head to your sniper rifle. You killed him. In cold blood. I mean, I know what he did, Gibbs. He killed your wife and your daughter, but Gibbs.
Gibbs: I know.
Abby: Gibbs doesn't do things like that, or does he? Now I don't know. I don't know anything. The only thing that I do know is that I didn't find this out by accident.
Gibbs: Rule forty.
Abby: If it seems like someone is out to get you, they are. You have no idea how much I wish it was yesterday. Maybe if I could just close my eyes and open them again it will be. [crosses her fingers and closes her eyes, only to open them in dismay] Do you realize the situation that I'm in now?
Gibbs: Yeah, I know.
Abby: Do you understand the choice that I have to make now?
Gibbs: I know.
Abby: Stop saying I know!
Gibbs: What do you want me to say?
Abby: Tell me I'm wrong! Tell me that I made a mistake with the ballistics or --
Gibbs: No. No, I can't say that.
Abby: Then tell me how much I've been like a daughter to you, and how much you love me.
Gibbs: Will that help?
Abby: No. What I really need to know, Gibbs, is if you're going to love me no matter what.
Gibbs: Hey, Abs.
Abby: Hi, Gibbs.
Gibbs: Hey, Abs.
Abby: Can I come in?
Gibbs: Yeah. You already are in.
Abby: Oh, right. Okay. It was nice talking to you.
Gibbs: Abs. Why are you here?
Abby: You know why I'm here. I matched the bullet in Pedro Martinez's head to your sniper rifle. You killed him. In cold blood. I mean, I know what he did, Gibbs. He killed your wife and your daughter, but Gibbs.
Gibbs: I know.
Abby: Gibbs doesn't do things like that, or does he? Now I don't know. I don't know anything. The only thing that I do know is that I didn't find this out by accident.
Gibbs: Rule forty.
Abby: If it seems like someone is out to get you, they are. You have no idea how much I wish it was yesterday. Maybe if I could just close my eyes and open them again it will be. [crosses her fingers and closes her eyes, only to open them in dismay] Do you realize the situation that I'm in now?
Gibbs: Yeah, I know.
Abby: Do you understand the choice that I have to make now?
Gibbs: I know.
Abby: Stop saying I know!
Gibbs: What do you want me to say?
Abby: Tell me I'm wrong! Tell me that I made a mistake with the ballistics or --
Gibbs: No. No, I can't say that.
Abby: Then tell me how much I've been like a daughter to you, and how much you love me.
Gibbs: Will that help?
Abby: No. What I really need to know, Gibbs, is if you're going to love me no matter what.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: It is perfect for s'mores.
McGee: I never liked s'mores.
Tony: What are you talking about? What's not to like? You've got your chocolate, graham crackers, gooey marshmellows. What kind of boy scout are you?
McGee: I'm a Webelos, actually.
Tony: Well, zip up Webelos, your inner geek is showing.
McGee: I never liked s'mores.
Tony: What are you talking about? What's not to like? You've got your chocolate, graham crackers, gooey marshmellows. What kind of boy scout are you?
McGee: I'm a Webelos, actually.
Tony: Well, zip up Webelos, your inner geek is showing.
TV Show: NCIS
McGee: Why would you let someone get away with rape?
Ziva: Perception. Burrows is in the military. If a woman cries rape, no man on that ship would ever totally trust her again.
McGee: Well, you're a woman. What would you do?
Ziva: I am different. After torturing them until they cried like babies, I would castrate them and give them what they deserve.
Tony: Hmm. Spoken like a true almost-American.
Ziva: Perception. Burrows is in the military. If a woman cries rape, no man on that ship would ever totally trust her again.
McGee: Well, you're a woman. What would you do?
Ziva: I am different. After torturing them until they cried like babies, I would castrate them and give them what they deserve.
Tony: Hmm. Spoken like a true almost-American.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: A good flan is hard to make. Getting the right ratio of milk to vanilla to caramel.
Ziva: Can we stop talking about the flan?
Tony: What are you, anti-flan?
Ziva: Can we stop talking about the flan?
Tony: What are you, anti-flan?
TV Show: NCIS
Abby: Since when did I become the kid in class that the teacher won't call on? The evidence in my report says that you killed Pedro Hernandez, and you're not even willing to talk to me about it.
Gibbs: I didn't think I needed to.
Abby: I owe you everything! You're Gibbs! No one needs to know the truth about the Hernandez investigation. I am willing to do anything for you. I just need you to tell me what to do.
Gibbs: No you don't, Abs. I've only ever needed you to do one thing.
Abby: My job. But it's different this time. I mean, it has to be, right?
Gibbs: No, it doesn't.
Gibbs: I didn't think I needed to.
Abby: I owe you everything! You're Gibbs! No one needs to know the truth about the Hernandez investigation. I am willing to do anything for you. I just need you to tell me what to do.
Gibbs: No you don't, Abs. I've only ever needed you to do one thing.
Abby: My job. But it's different this time. I mean, it has to be, right?
Gibbs: No, it doesn't.
TV Show: NCIS