Green Acres Quotes
Eustace Charleton Haney: [after learning Oliver and Lisa are going to be out of town for a few days] While yer away on yer trip, I thought you might like to avail yerself of Haney's Farm Mindin' Service.
Oliver Wendell Douglass: HANEY'S FARM MINDING SERVICE?
Eustace Charleton Haney: Yessir, at Haney's Farm Mindin' Service, for a nom-yew-nal fee we will move into yer house, eat yer food, drink yer likker, and turn away any unwanted relatives that might show up at yer door.
Oliver Wendell Douglass: HANEY'S FARM MINDING SERVICE?
Eustace Charleton Haney: Yessir, at Haney's Farm Mindin' Service, for a nom-yew-nal fee we will move into yer house, eat yer food, drink yer likker, and turn away any unwanted relatives that might show up at yer door.
TV Show: Green Acres
Eustace Charleton Haney: While yer away on yer trip, ah thought you might like ta avail yerself of Haney's Farm Mindin' Service.
Oliver Douglas: HANEY'S FARM MINDING SERVICE?!!
Eustace Charleton Haney: Yessir, at Haney's Farm Mindin' Service, for a nom-yew-nal fee we will move into yer house, eat yer food, drink yer likker, and turn away any unwanted relatives that might show up at yer door.
Oliver Douglas: HANEY'S FARM MINDING SERVICE?!!
Eustace Charleton Haney: Yessir, at Haney's Farm Mindin' Service, for a nom-yew-nal fee we will move into yer house, eat yer food, drink yer likker, and turn away any unwanted relatives that might show up at yer door.
TV Show: Green Acres
Lisa Douglas: When you married me you knew that I couldn't cook, I couldn't sew, and I couldn't keep house. All I could do was talk Hungarian and do imitations of Zsa Zsa Gabor.
Oliver Douglas: Who?
Oliver Douglas: Who?
TV Show: Green Acres
Oliver Wendell Douglass: Gentlemen, I'm surprised at you. The American farmer didn't get where he is today by celebrating Christmas with phony trees and wax popcorn, plastic candy canes. Gentlemen, to the American farmer Christmas is real. He goes out with ax in hand, chops down his own tree, brings it back, garlands it with strings of popcorn from his own corn crib, makes cider from his own apple trees. And when Christmas carols ring out in the still of the night, he looks up to the sky and says, 'I'm proud to be an American farmer on Christmas.'
TV Show: Green Acres
Sam Drucker: How 'bout a dehydrated chicken?
Oliver Douglas: A dehydrated chicken?
Sam Drucker: Yeah. Just add water and bones, and let it sit for a couple hours, and you might have your own reconstituted chicken.
Oliver Douglas: That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard.
Oliver Douglas: A dehydrated chicken?
Sam Drucker: Yeah. Just add water and bones, and let it sit for a couple hours, and you might have your own reconstituted chicken.
Oliver Douglas: That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard.
TV Show: Green Acres
[Oliver Wendell Douglas's old tractor has just broken down again]
Oliver Wendell Douglass: There's something wrong with the carburetor.
Eb Dawson: Yeah, it needs a new tractor on it!
Oliver Wendell Douglass: There's something wrong with the carburetor.
Eb Dawson: Yeah, it needs a new tractor on it!
TV Show: Green Acres
[the Douglases are looking for clothes to donate to a rummage sale]
Oliver Douglas: Why don't we give away this one?
Lisa Douglas: No that's the dress I graduated from high school in.
Oliver Douglas: How about this one?
Lisa Douglas: That's the dress I wore the first day of college.
Oliver Douglas: [holding a black, low-cut dress] What about this one?
Lisa Douglas: That's the one I got expelled in.
Oliver Douglas: Why don't we give away this one?
Lisa Douglas: No that's the dress I graduated from high school in.
Oliver Douglas: How about this one?
Lisa Douglas: That's the dress I wore the first day of college.
Oliver Douglas: [holding a black, low-cut dress] What about this one?
Lisa Douglas: That's the one I got expelled in.
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Oliver Douglas: But he couldn't be dead.
Fred Ziffel: Oh, yes he could, I personally attended his funeral.
Oliver Douglas: Are you sure?
Fred Ziffel: I don't know what you do in New York, but around here we don't give a man a funeral unless we're pretty sure he needs one.
TV Show: Green Acres
Oliver Wendell Douglass: [after watching a "conversation" between Lisa and an oinking Arnold] How can you carry on a conversation with him? I can't understand a thing he's saying!
Lisa Douglas: That's because you don't LISTEN!
TV Show: Green Acres
Oliver Wendell Douglass: Gentlemen, I'm surprised at you. The American farmer didn't get where he is today by celebrating Christmas with phony trees and wax popcorn, plastic candy canes. Gentlemen, to the American farmer Christmas is real. He goes out with ax in hand, chops down his own tree, brings it back, garlands it with strings of popcorn from his own corn crib, makes cider from his own apple trees. And when Christmas carols ring out in the still of the night, he looks up to the sky and says, 'I'm proud to be an American farmer on Christmas.'
TV Show: Green Acres
Lisa Douglas: Are you happy with the corns I strung for you?
Oliver Douglas: Lisa, you're supposed to take the kernels off the cob and string them.
Lisa Douglas: Well, don't blame me, I never did it before. In the old country, we used to string caviar.
Oliver Douglas: Caviar?
Lisa Douglas: We'd have caviar on one string and crackers on the other...
Oliver Douglas: Oh, for...
Lisa Douglas: And then we'd play the Hungarian Christmas game called 'Smear the crackers with caviar.'
TV Show: Green Acres
Lisa Douglas: Could you keep it a secret from my husband? You see, I want to surprise him.
Ralph Monroe: My lips are sealed.
Hank Kimball: Now if we could only keep them that way.
Ralph Monroe: If you weren't so sexy, I'd beat your brains out!
TV Show: Green Acres
Lisa Douglas: When you married me you knew that I couldn't cook, I couldn't sew, and I couldn't keep house. All I could do was talk Hungarian and do imitations of Zsa Zsa Gabor.
Oliver Douglas: Who?
TV Show: Green Acres
Lisa Douglas: Why do you want to irritate your corn?
Oliver Douglas: Irrigate. It means put water on it.
Lisa Douglas: Won't that irritate it?
TV Show: Green Acres
Eustace Charleton Haney: [after learning Oliver and Lisa are going to be out of town for a few days] While yer away on yer trip, I thought you might like to avail yerself of Haney's Farm Mindin' Service.
Oliver Wendell Douglass: HANEY'S FARM MINDING SERVICE?
Eustace Charleton Haney: Yessir, at Haney's Farm Mindin' Service, for a nom-yew-nal fee we will move into yer house, eat yer food, drink yer likker, and turn away any unwanted relatives that might show up at yer door.
TV Show: Green Acres
Eustace Charleton Haney: [as he and Mr. Ziffel are going into Oliver's house] Make sure you wipe yer feet.
Fred Ziffel: You don't ever wipe YOUR feet!
Eustace Charleton Haney: That's 'cause I don't own a pig farm.
TV Show: Green Acres
Eustace Charleton Haney: [trying to hawk some worthless ceramic figurines off and claiming they're valuable] These are gen-yew-wine Siamese Catfish.
Oliver Wendell Douglass: SIAMESE CATFISH?
Eustace Charleton Haney: Well, they're still in the pussy stage.
TV Show: Green Acres
Sam Drucker: Call the sheriff.
Hank Kimball: OK. Sheriff.
Sam Drucker: No. On the phone.
TV Show: Green Acres
Sam Drucker: How 'bout a dehydrated chicken?
Oliver Douglas: A dehydrated chicken?
Sam Drucker: Yeah. Just add water and bones, and let it sit for a couple hours, and you might have your own reconstituted chicken.
Oliver Douglas: That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard.
TV Show: Green Acres
Eb Dawson: Morning! Breakfast ready?
Lisa Douglas: Yes.
Eb Dawson: Well, let's have the hotcakes and get it over with.
Lisa Douglas: We're not having any hotscakes this morning.
Oliver Douglas: No hotcakes?
Lisa Douglas: I've made something different.
Oliver Douglas: Hey, wonderful!
Eb Dawson: Let's not go off half-cocked till we get a look at it.
Oliver Douglas: Knock it off, anything's better than the hotcakes.
Lisa Douglas: Here we are. [Holds up what looks like a long, lumpy pastry on a baking sheet]
Oliver Douglas: It looks like a boa constrictor with lumps.
Lisa Douglas: That's the last time I cook you a Spanish omelette.
TV Show: Green Acres
Eb Dawson: Mr. Ziffel, notice where your wife's standing? Under the mistletoe!
Fred Ziffel: Why don't you mind your own business?
TV Show: Green Acres
Eb Dawson: What do you do for a livin'?
Mort Warner: I write for Newsweek.
Eb Dawson: I write for Newsweek too, but they never send it.
TV Show: Green Acres
Mr. Kimball: Tomatoes are the dumbest of all plants. Did you know their IQ is hardly above what a 6-year old child's is?
TV Show: Green Acres
Doris Ziffel: Mrs. Douglas came over here this afternoon and wanted to know how to make a fruitcake. And it's been so long since I made one, I had to look up the recipe.
Fred Ziffel: Is she gonna make a fruitcake for Mr. Douglas?
Doris Ziffel: She sure is.
Fred Ziffel: Doris, that could make you an accessory to manslaughter.
TV Show: Green Acres
TV Kiddie Show Host: Sure, I remember that kid, he had on the most realistic looking pig costume I've ever seen. He won first prize!
Oliver Douglas: No, you don't understand, Arnold is a REAL PIG!
TV Kiddie Show Host: I'll say he is! We had five gallons of ice cream for those kids, and he ate every bit of it himself!
TV Show: Green Acres