Woody Allen Quotes

Woody Allen Quotes. Below is a collection of famous Woody Allen quotes. Here you can find the most popular and greatest quotes by Woody Allen. Share these quotations with your friends and family.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

By Woody Allen

Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.

By Woody Allen

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

By Woody Allen

For the first year of marriage I had basically a bad attitude. I tended to place my wife underneath a pedestal

By Woody Allen

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

By Woody Allen

Eternity is a long time, especially towards the end.

By Woody Allen

Eternity is very long, especially towards the end.

By Woody Allen

Eighty percent of success is showing up

By Woody Allen

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

By Woody Allen

Doing abominations is against the law, particularly if the abominations are done while wearing a lobster bib.

By Woody Allen

Bisexuality automatically doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

By Woody Allen

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

By Woody Allen

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

By Woody Allen

At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time.

By Woody Allen

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

By Woody Allen

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A DOE

Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles slowly at some leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts coughing and drops dead.

By Woody Allen

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best.

By Woody Allen

I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

By Woody Allen

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

By Woody Allen

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.

By Woody Allen

I am at two with nature.

By Woody Allen

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

By Woody Allen

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

By Woody Allen

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things.

By Woody Allen

It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.

By Woody Allen

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

By Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

By Woody Allen

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

By Woody Allen