Woody Allen Quotes

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought---particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

By Woody Allen

Is it better to be the lover or the loved one? Neither, if your cholesterol is over six hundred. By love, of course, I refer to romantic love -- the love between man and woman, rather than between mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters.

By Woody Allen

Is sex dirty? Only if you do it right.

By Woody Allen

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.

By Woody Allen

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

By Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.

By Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.

By Woody Allen

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

By Woody Allen

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch

By Woody Allen

I'm not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens

By Woody Allen

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

By Woody Allen

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown

By Woody Allen

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

By Woody Allen

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead- not sick, not wounded - dead.

By Woody Allen

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick -- not wounded -- dead.

By Woody Allen

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded: dead.

By Woody Allen

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

By Woody Allen

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam. I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

By Woody Allen

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

By Woody Allen

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

By Woody Allen

I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

By Woody Allen

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

By Woody Allen

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

By Woody Allen

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

By Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.

By Woody Allen

I call that mind free which jealously guards its intellectual rights and powers, which calls no man master, which does not content itself with a passive or hereditary faith, and receives new truth as an angel from Heaven.

By Woody Allen

How to make God laugh: Tell him your future plans.

By Woody Allen

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size

By Woody Allen

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

By Woody Allen

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter

By Woody Allen