Steven Wright Quotes

Steven Wright Quotes. Below is a collection of famous Steven Wright quotes. Here you can find the most popular and greatest quotes by Steven Wright. Share these quotations with your friends and family.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

By Steven Wright

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

By Steven Wright

I hate it when my leg falls sleep in the middle of the day, because that means it'll be up all night

By Steven Wright

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

By Steven Wright

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

By Steven Wright

I cried because I had no shoes, 'till I met a man who had no feet. So I said, 'You got any shoes you're not using'? by

By Steven Wright

I bought some batteries but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again

By Steven Wright

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

By Steven Wright

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

By Steven Wright

I broke a mirror the other day. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five

By Steven Wright

I almost had a pyschic girlfriend, but she left me before we met

By Steven Wright

How young can you die of old age?

By Steven Wright

Hermits have no peer pressure.

By Steven Wright

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

By Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

By Steven Wright

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

By Steven Wright

Every now and then I like to lean out my window, look up and smile for a satellite picture.

By Steven Wright

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

By Steven Wright

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

By Steven Wright

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

By Steven Wright

Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect.

By Steven Wright

Curiousity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect

By Steven Wright

Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

By Steven Wright

Black holes are where God divided by zero

By Steven Wright

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

By Steven Wright

At one point he decided enough was enough.

By Steven Wright

A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, Wish you were here.

By Steven Wright

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

By Steven Wright

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

By Steven Wright

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

By Steven Wright