Steven Wright Quotes

Steven Wright Quotes. Below is a collection of famous Steven Wright quotes. Here you can find the most popular and greatest quotes by Steven Wright. Share these quotations with your friends and family.

Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.

By Steven Wright
They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

By Steven Wright
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

By Steven Wright
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

By Steven Wright
The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

By Steven Wright
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

By Steven Wright
The past week our bullpen threw a lot, especially with the doubleheaders in the (Rainbow) tournament, and we have five games this weekend, so I figure if I can finish the game off, I can give 'em a little rest so they can go out and get the next four games.

By Steven Wright
The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

By Steven Wright
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

By Steven Wright
The Meaning Of Life The reason that we're all here is that it was too crowded where we were supposed to go.

By Steven Wright
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

By Steven Wright
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

By Steven Wright
So, do you live around here often?

By Steven Wright
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

By Steven Wright
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

By Steven Wright
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

By Steven Wright
My girlfriend sleeps in a queen-sized bed and I sleep in a court jester-sized bed.

By Steven Wright
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

By Steven Wright
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

By Steven Wright
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

By Steven Wright
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you'

By Steven Wright
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

By Steven Wright
Last night I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died

By Steven Wright
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

By Steven Wright
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

By Steven Wright
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

By Steven Wright
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

By Steven Wright
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

By Steven Wright
In terms of visits, we're probably going to wind up 3 to 5 percent ahead in visits and probably double that in revenue.

By Steven Wright
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

By Steven Wright