Derek Zoolander: We're back!

Movie / TV: Zoolander 2
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Hansel: WHO AM I!

Movie / TV: Zoolander 2
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Matt Lauer: And finally tonight, here's something to make you feel old. Incredible as it may sound, of the over 3.7 million high school graduates this year, less than 2 can tell you what a fax machine is, name a Caucasian president, or know who Derek Zoolander was!

Movie / TV: Zoolander 2
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Hansel: [Talking to Derek Jr. about his mother]I remember there was one night, she had me and your dad absolutely twisted in knots. I was driving the freak train, your dad's tearing tickets in the caboose... She had a mouth like Chinese finger cuffs, you know, where, like, you try to pull out but it just keeps getting tighter...

Movie / TV: Zoolander 2
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Mugatu: Prison changed me. I'm a psycho!

Movie / TV: Zoolander 2
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Justin Bieber: You can't kill us all, we will protect the Chosen One!

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Derek Zoolander: [Driving with his son, taking lots of Selfies with a Selfie Stick. The car drifts lanes and he swerves it back, sending it flying through the air until it comes crashing to a standstill]Hashtag Oops!

Movie / TV: Zoolander 2
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Hasidic Man: Hansel, meaningless sex always makes me feel better about myself.

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Mugatu: They're Sexy Fighting!

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Valentina: [from trailer]Someone's trying to kill the world's most beautiful people.
Justin Bieber: [getting hunted by snipers]Oh, fudge!

Movie / TV: Zoolander 2
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Chazz Spencer: Members only. Members only. Epaulets are not a crime. Smart casual. Smart casual. Smart casual. Mr. Hammer is wrong!

Movie / TV: Zoolander 2
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Wise Village Man: [to Latex BDSM]Hey... you are a basic bitch.

Movie / TV: Zoolander 2
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Mugatu: Prison changed me! I'm bad to the core now!

Movie / TV: Zoolander 2
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Derek Zoolander: I'm sorry, I can't understand a word that you're saying.

Movie / TV: Zoolander 2
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Valentina: Who says swimsuit models are useless? Take me from behind, Zoolander. Grab on for safety... and buoyancy! We're going to swim to Rome.

Movie / TV: Zoolander 2
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Derek Zoolander: I've missed not knowing things with you.

Movie / TV: Zoolander 2
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Hansel: I'll go get Derek, tell my Orgy I love them!

Movie / TV: Zoolander 2
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Valentino Garavani: Blood of Steve! Blood of Steve!

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Half Cow Half Zoolander: Moooo!

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Don Atari: [to Mugatu]You and SpongeBob were my biggest influence ever!

Movie / TV: Zoolander 2
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Hansel: Neil, I gotta say, you're totally blowing my mind right now.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: That's what I do. I'm Neil deGrasse Tyson, bitch.

Movie / TV: Zoolander 2
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Billy Zane: Got your Netflix!
Derek Zoolander: [Opening envelopes]Jack Ryan! and Jack Reacher! Tonight's going to be a total jack off!

Movie / TV: Zoolander 2
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Derek Jr.: You're the most narcissistic person I've ever met.
Derek Zoolander: But that's not how I see myself.

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Hansel: My mom told me my dad was a beat cop.

Movie / TV: Zoolander 2
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Katy Perry: Who-oo-oo-ooohh am-mm-mm-mm I-ah-ah-aye?
Hansel: That was beautiful...

Movie / TV: Zoolander 2
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Derek Zoolander: I hope you're not apopleptic because they're going to take a lot of pictures.

Movie / TV: Zoolander 2
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Mugatu: You really are amazingly stupid, aren't you?

Movie / TV: Zoolander 2
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Hansel: Neil Degrasse Tyson? You don't know who you are, either?

Movie / TV: Zoolander 2
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Derek Zoolander: Does being fat mean you're a terrible person? I'm really asking you, Hansel.

Movie / TV: Zoolander 2
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Sting: If you want to find the spirits in the material world you need to talk to the ghost in the machine.
Hansel: What? Who is this?
Sting: I have a message in a bottle for you, so don't go to the police.

Movie / TV: Zoolander 2
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Mugatu: He's still so hot right now!

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Hansel: [from trailer]OLD?
Derek Zoolander: [pronouncing the sign incorrectly]LAM??

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All: All is All.

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Billy Zane: Think about it, man. This could be a sign!
Derek Zoolander: What if it's a stop sign, Billy?

Movie / TV: Zoolander 2
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Alexanya Atoz: Do you ever have feeling, where you see young teenage girl with perfect skin, and you want to kill her? And take her skin, and put it on your skin? We've bottled that feeling.

Movie / TV: Zoolander 2
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One tenth of Hansel's Orgy: Where'd everybody go? I wasn't finished with that Hippo!

Movie / TV: Zoolander 2
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Mugatu: Shut up, Valentino! Just shut up! Everyone shut up! There is no Fountain of Youth!
Tommy Hilfiger: What?
Mugatu: I mean, Adam and Eve and Steve? Are you serious? You actually believed that crap?
Alexander Wang: What?
Mugatu: It's literally... it's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! I get it if Alexander Wang believes it, but the rest of you, come on!
Anna Wintour: Oh, please. Without me, you'd still be cutting patterns at Men's Wearhouse.
Mugatu: Oh, look, it's the White Witch from Narnia! Oh, no, I'm sorry, it's just Anna Wintour! I'll knock your teeth out.
Anna Wintour: I'll rip your goddamn tongue out.
Mugatu: Check out the new spring collection from Hilfiger, brought to you by white privilege.
Tommy Hilfiger: You couldn't make a down jacket to save your life!
Mugatu: Asshole.

Movie / TV: Zoolander 2
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Kiefer Sutherland: [to Hansel]I lost my baby.

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[from trailer] Mugatu: TODD! Where's my goddamn lattÚ? [he gets a cup, then pours it over him]

Movie / TV: Zoolander 2
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Hansel: Is it true you have sex for ten hours?
Sting: No comment. [silently]
Sting: Fifteen...

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Valentina: Please accept my apologies.
Derek Zoolander: None taken.

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Derek Zoolander: I'm going to retire, withdraw from public life, and become a hermit crab.

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Mugatu: You're asking me why I killed Justin Bieber?

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Hansel: So I'm repelling down Mount Vesuvius when suddenly I slip, and I start to fall. Just falling, ahh ahh, I'll never forget the terror. When suddenly I realize Holy ****, Hansel, haven't you been smoking Peyote for six straight days, and couldn't some of this maybe be in your head?
Derek Zoolander: And?
Hansel: And it was. I was totally fine. I've never even been to Mount Vesuvius.

Movie / TV: Zoolander
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Hansel: The results are in amigo. What's left to ponder? [Derek glares at him]
Hansel: Nice Comeback! Ha ha.

Movie / TV: Zoolander
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Derek Zoolander: Nothing means more to me than having one of my former students come up to me and say Derek, thanks for helping me, or Derek, thanks for being so helpful, or Derek, me help you did.

Movie / TV: Derek Zoolander University
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Derek Zoolander: I'm not an ambi-turner.

Movie / TV: Zoolander
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Derek Zoolander: I guess I'm also known for Blue Steel.
Interviewer: Can we see that one?
Derek Zoolander: Blue Steel?
Interviewer: Yeah.

Movie / TV: Derek Zoolander - Male Model
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Billy Zane: Hey, Derek, back on top, man.
Derek Zoolander: Thanks, Billy. You rock.
Billy Zane: No, you rock. When you gonna drop Magnum on us, buddy?
Derek Zoolander: Not yet. You gotta tame the beast before you let it out of its cage.

Movie / TV: Zoolander
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Larry Zoolander: Damnit Derek, I'm a coal miner, not a professional film or television actor.

Movie / TV: Zoolander
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