The Show Quotes
Basil Brush: If walls had earsâ?¦
[camera pans to walls to show ears]
Basil Brush: Ha ha ha ha ha! Boom! Boom!
[camera pans to walls to show ears]
Basil Brush: Ha ha ha ha ha! Boom! Boom!
Movie: The Show
Blanche: Drink and sex. That's what killed your uncle - drink and sex!
Harry: Yeah. He couldn't get either, so he shot himself.
Harry: Yeah. He couldn't get either, so he shot himself.
Movie: The Show
Bullwinkle: Got the wrong script from the teleprompter. As you know this is really the Humphley/Brinley report. No no. The Bullwinkle Show. And I am your moose-ster of ceremonies for the next half-hour: Bullwinkle his-self. As if you couldn't tell. I mean what other show has a host who sings, dances, recites poetry and has antlers? Well, on this network anyway...
Movie: The Show
Director Sam Speiler: [reminiscing about an actress who was in one of his films] Oh God, she couldn't sing, she couldn't dance, she couldn't act . . .
Lesley Goldie: Well, what could she do?
Director Sam Speiler: With difficulty, stand up!
Lesley Goldie: Well, what could she do?
Director Sam Speiler: With difficulty, stand up!
Movie: The Show
George Burns: [Aside] You know, universal military training is a great idea. It prepares a kid for marriage.
Movie: The Show
Harold Green: Boy, people who don't even like the show are watching it now, ya know. It's like we're some big American network program or somethin'. Uncle Red, that is the power of hype. Hype works. Hype is cool. You don't have to have talent, good looks, brains, nothing, if you got enough hype.
Red Green: You know I was thinking hype could really help you, Harold. You're hyper now, so just back off one letter, and you're there.
Red Green: You know I was thinking hype could really help you, Harold. You're hyper now, so just back off one letter, and you're there.
Movie: The Show
Harry von Zell: Julie has been dying to meet the star of the Carnation television show...
George Burns: Why, thank you.
Harry von Zell: ...and George is her husband.
George Burns: Why, thank you.
Harry von Zell: ...and George is her husband.
Movie: The Show
Interviewer: I have noticed in the Italian press recently that your name has been linked with, eh, Sofia Loren...
Vincerre G. Ventenove: Poppycock!
Interviewer: Am I to take it, sir, that that means that it's not true?
Vincerre G. Ventenove: Oh, no, no, no, I mean Sofia Poppycock. See, she's a much bigger star than Sofia Loren.
Vincerre G. Ventenove: Poppycock!
Interviewer: Am I to take it, sir, that that means that it's not true?
Vincerre G. Ventenove: Oh, no, no, no, I mean Sofia Poppycock. See, she's a much bigger star than Sofia Loren.
Movie: The Show
Jackie Gleason: [at the end of each show] The Miami Beach audience is the greatest audience in the world!
Movie: The Show
Kermit: [during Talk spot] Well, Rita, what we have now is what we call our 'Talk Spot', where the guest star sits and talks casualy with the frog.
Rita Moreno: Yeah, yeah, I know, Kermit. But can I say something? Haven't you noticed that on all these varity shows, the guess stars always come off so phony? I mean, you KNOW that they're rehearced. You KNOW that they are reading cue cards.
Kermit: But, Rita, on our show...
[looks past the camera as if reading que cards]
Kermit: But, Rita... wait a minuet... But, but Rita on our show WE do not use any cue cards, Rita... On our show... we do not...
Rita Moreno: KERMIT!
Rita Moreno: Yeah, yeah, I know, Kermit. But can I say something? Haven't you noticed that on all these varity shows, the guess stars always come off so phony? I mean, you KNOW that they're rehearced. You KNOW that they are reading cue cards.
Kermit: But, Rita, on our show...
[looks past the camera as if reading que cards]
Kermit: But, Rita... wait a minuet... But, but Rita on our show WE do not use any cue cards, Rita... On our show... we do not...
Rita Moreno: KERMIT!
Movie: The Show
Little Girl: Dad, will you tell me a bedtime story?
Dad: Of course! Once upon a time, there was a man named Freddy Krueger...
Mum: Let me do it!
Dad: Of course! Once upon a time, there was a man named Freddy Krueger...
Mum: Let me do it!
Movie: The Show
Lucy Carmichael: [Lucy and Mr. Mooney are trying to think of someone to endorse their bank] How about the Maharajah of Beverly Hills?
Theodore J. Mooney: Who?
Lucy Carmichael: Jack Benny!
Theodore J. Mooney: Jack Benny?
Lucy Carmichael: Sure! Everybody knows that Jack Benny doesn't trust banks. He keeps all his money in his house. If we could get his business we could get everyone else's business!
Theodore J. Mooney: If we could get Jack Benny's business, we wouldn't need anyone else's business!
Theodore J. Mooney: Who?
Lucy Carmichael: Jack Benny!
Theodore J. Mooney: Jack Benny?
Lucy Carmichael: Sure! Everybody knows that Jack Benny doesn't trust banks. He keeps all his money in his house. If we could get his business we could get everyone else's business!
Theodore J. Mooney: If we could get Jack Benny's business, we wouldn't need anyone else's business!
Movie: The Show
Mannequin Cher: What really bothers me is that every time somebody gets popular on TV they mold us to look like them.
Mannequin Farrah: I know, this month I'm that dizzy blonde from Charlie's Angels. You know her name? Farrah something.
Mannequin Cher: Fawcett.
Mannequin Farrah: Right. I knew it had something to do with being a drip.
Mannequin Farrah: I know, this month I'm that dizzy blonde from Charlie's Angels. You know her name? Farrah something.
Mannequin Cher: Fawcett.
Mannequin Farrah: Right. I knew it had something to do with being a drip.
Movie: The Show
Otis Campbell: Every man needs a hobby.
Barney Fife: But, Otis; you ain't got a hobby!
Otis Campbell: I do have a hobby; drinkin'!
Barney Fife: But, Otis; you ain't got a hobby!
Otis Campbell: I do have a hobby; drinkin'!
Movie: The Show
Pat Buttram: And this time I don't want to get paid off in counterfeit money.
George Elkhart, Gang Leader: Counterfeit?
Pat Buttram: Don't play games. Either I get some real dough and pronto or I'm gonna fill you full of holes.
George Elkhart, Gang Leader: Counterfeit?
Pat Buttram: Don't play games. Either I get some real dough and pronto or I'm gonna fill you full of holes.
Movie: The Show
Penelope Keith: I can't get down there in this dress.
Eric Morecambe: Well do something with the dress.
Penelope Keith: It's been specially made.
Eric Morecambe: Yes, I realise that.
Ernie Wise: Just climb down that.
Penelope Keith: I really don't like that.
Eric Morecambe: Now can you get that leg down.
Ernie Wise: Yes. I'll hold onto it.
Eric Morecambe: Dignity at all times.
Ernie Wise: Yes.
Eric Morecambe: Well do something with the dress.
Penelope Keith: It's been specially made.
Eric Morecambe: Yes, I realise that.
Ernie Wise: Just climb down that.
Penelope Keith: I really don't like that.
Eric Morecambe: Now can you get that leg down.
Ernie Wise: Yes. I'll hold onto it.
Eric Morecambe: Dignity at all times.
Ernie Wise: Yes.
Movie: The Show
Ralph Garman: What would you do if your entire world turned out to be fake? If an army of writers, producers and actors spent over a year creating TV's most elaborate experiment around YOU? If they plotted your every move, recorded it 24 hours a day and put it on National television? Well, that's EXACTLY what happened... to THIS guy. Meet Matt Kennedy Gould: One REAL guy competing for $100,000 on a reality show that HE doesn't know... is FAKE. Starring nine actors: Melissa Yvonne Lewis as Ashleigh -- The Rich Bitch; David Hornsby as Hutch -- The Asshole; Angela Dodson as Molly -- The Virgin; Franklin Jones as Earl -- The Veteran; Nikki Davis as Gina -- The Schemer; Lance Krall as Kip -- The Gay Guy; Brian Keith Etheridge as Brian -- The Buddy; Kristen Wiig as Dr. Pat -- The Quack; And me, Ralph Garman as The Smarmy Host. All playing for the one guy who thinks it's real.
Matt Kennedy Gould: This place is f***in' startin' to drive me crazy.
Ralph Garman: This is "The Joe Schmo Show."
Matt Kennedy Gould: This place is f***in' startin' to drive me crazy.
Ralph Garman: This is "The Joe Schmo Show."
Movie: The Show
Ralph Hanley: For medical you put down one full length mirror, $50.
Gracie Allen: That's right, I got it for my father so he won't get pnuemonia.
Ralph Hanley: How's that?
Gracie Allen: Well you see before he only had a half-length mirror, so when he went outside he forgot his pants.
Gracie Allen: That's right, I got it for my father so he won't get pnuemonia.
Ralph Hanley: How's that?
Gracie Allen: Well you see before he only had a half-length mirror, so when he went outside he forgot his pants.
Movie: The Show
Red Green: [Introducing the "Auto Biography" section of the show] This week we have Winston Rothschild of Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services.
Winston Rothschild: [motto] "No tank too big, no tank too small, teacup or cesspool, we suck 'em all."
Winston Rothschild: [motto] "No tank too big, no tank too small, teacup or cesspool, we suck 'em all."
Movie: The Show
Red Green: I love the Americans. I'm really happy the Americans are watching our show. But I'm not gonna change my tune now, okay? My tune is O Canada!
Harold Green: That's wonderful! That's fantastic! I just thought I might mention at this point and time that American TV stars get $50,000 an episode.
Red Green: All right. Well, my new tune is I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy.
Harold Green: That's wonderful! That's fantastic! I just thought I might mention at this point and time that American TV stars get $50,000 an episode.
Red Green: All right. Well, my new tune is I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy.
Movie: The Show
Ren: At last I have control of your TV set. Are you receiving me? Welcome to our secret headquarters.
Stimpy: Thousands of miles beneath the earth's crust.
Ren: Shut up you fool! How do we know we can trust them?
Stimpy: We could make them take the oath!
Ren: Perfect! The oath! Put your hand on the TV screen and repeat after me. I do hereby promise only to watch the Ren and Stimpy show. To make underleg noises during the good scenes. To wear unwashed Lederhosen every single day of the rest of my life! That's it, you're in our secret club! Alright Stimpy, they're OK. Show them the stuff.
Stimpy: Congratulations...
Ren: Shut up and show them.
Stimpy: I'm showing them, I'm showing them. OK kids, its time for a secret cartoon!
Stimpy: Thousands of miles beneath the earth's crust.
Ren: Shut up you fool! How do we know we can trust them?
Stimpy: We could make them take the oath!
Ren: Perfect! The oath! Put your hand on the TV screen and repeat after me. I do hereby promise only to watch the Ren and Stimpy show. To make underleg noises during the good scenes. To wear unwashed Lederhosen every single day of the rest of my life! That's it, you're in our secret club! Alright Stimpy, they're OK. Show them the stuff.
Stimpy: Congratulations...
Ren: Shut up and show them.
Stimpy: I'm showing them, I'm showing them. OK kids, its time for a secret cartoon!
Movie: The Show
Richard Pryor: I'm doing this stand-up on the show because the people at NBC said that well America don't know who you are and you come out and they're scared. They just see black people and they get nervous if they don't know who they are.
Movie: The Show
Rob Petrie: I don't think we should end this week's show with a joke. I'd like Alan to come out and say something with meaning.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Yeah? What kind of meaning?
Rob Petrie: I wrote down a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: What show does he write for?
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Yeah? What kind of meaning?
Rob Petrie: I wrote down a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: What show does he write for?
Movie: The Show
Robert Downey Jr.: I play an evil scientist in The Shaggy Dog, and I'm a lot like the character I play. Except I'm not evil.
Ellen: Or a scientist.
[Audience laughs]
Robert Downey Jr.: [Closes eyes] This is one of those moments I just need to to stop and recollect my thoughts.
Ellen: Or a scientist.
[Audience laughs]
Robert Downey Jr.: [Closes eyes] This is one of those moments I just need to to stop and recollect my thoughts.
Movie: The Show
Rose Marie: They said you're to go over to Desilu and read for a new show called The Dick Van Dyke Show. I said 'What's a Dick Van Dyke?'... I said 'Who have you got for the third writer?' They said 'We haven't picked him yet.' I said, 'What about Morey Amsterdam?'... I went home and called him up and said 'They're going to call you to be in a show called The Dick Van Dyke Show'. HE said 'What's a Dick Van Dyke?' I said 'I don't know, but we're gonna be in it.'
Movie: The Show