The Last Straight Man Quotes

Cooper: Lewis, I've always felt that there was a spark between us. I don't know, I can't explain it. Something about you has always made my skin tingle when we touch. My heart pounds when I think about you naked. Every expression on your face is chiseled into my memory. I don't know why, it just is. And you're the only man who's made me feel like that. So am I gay? Am I bisexual? If I was, wouldn't I feel like that for another man? I don't, just you! Only you.

Movie: The Last Straight Man
Lewis: What's something else you've done that's sexually crazy?
Cooper: The dog licked my balls once. Does that count?
Lewis: Ewww! No! Why did you let the dog lick your balls?
Cooper: Well, I didn't LET him, he caught me by surprise.
Lewis: What were you doing so the dog could... Never mind.

Movie: The Last Straight Man
Lewis: Okay, let's hear it.
Cooper: Hear what?
Lewis: I'm not gay, I like women, I was just dot-dot-dot. Choose from the following. A: Curious. B: Drunk. C: Horny. Followed up by: And there was a willing mouth in the room, so...

Movie: The Last Straight Man
Lewis: You sure do make a lot of dramatic exits for a straight guy.

Movie: The Last Straight Man
Cooper: You got your Freud in my Dr. Ruth.
Lewis: You got your Dr. Ruth in my Freud.

Movie: The Last Straight Man
Lewis: To Cooper. May your hair never fall, your dick always rise, and your kids never call your brother-in-law daddy.

Movie: The Last Straight Man
Lewis: I don't like feet. Feet are suspicious. They never look you in the eye.

Movie: The Last Straight Man
[Best friends Lewis and Cooper had sex] Cooper: Lewis, it was fun and I'm glad that it was with you, but once is enough.
Lewis: You can't stop at just one. Think of me as your personal bag of potato chips.
Cooper: You both make my fingers greasy?

Movie: The Last Straight Man
Lewis: Hey, all new fathers get nervous.
Cooper: What if I sit on him?
Lewis: Why would you sit on him?
Cooper: Well, not intentionally!

Movie: The Last Straight Man
Lewis: I had a very handsome younger brother. When we were kids, people would look at him and say, You are so cute! And then they'd look at me and say, Uh, he must be the smart one.
Cooper: Hey, we can't all be Farrahs. Somebody's gotta be Kate Jackson.

Movie: The Last Straight Man
Lewis: Coop, what do you tell your wife?
Cooper: What do you mean?
Lewis: Well, every year for the past four years we've met in this same hotel room. It's the day before your anniversary. What does she think?
Cooper: I tell her one of my buddies is sick and in the hospital, I have to go see him. So far, four of my closest imaginary friends have died.
Lewis: Belinda doesn't strike me as being stupid.
Cooper: She's not. She's just... trusting.

Movie: The Last Straight Man
Lewis: You can't expect me to throw wood when your pregnant wife is calling wondering where you are.
Cooper: She's not here, Lewis. You are, and I am. Us! One day a year. Let's just hit the pause button on our lives, just turn the lights off on the world. For one day. We have one day to grind and sweat and moan and not care about anything.

Movie: The Last Straight Man
Cooper: She's not my other half. She doesn't complete me.
Lewis: Complete you? Has the Lifetime channel gone Clockwork Orange on your ass?

Movie: The Last Straight Man
Lewis: This scene is too sappy for a book. It's better suited for a drippy, melodramatic play or some dopey independent film.

Movie: The Last Straight Man