Seinfeld Quotes
[phone rings and George's answering machine comes on while he's home]
George Costanza: Believe it or not, George isn't at home. Please leave a message at the beep. I must be out or I'd pick up the phone. Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not home. [beep]
George Costanza: Believe it or not, George isn't at home. Please leave a message at the beep. I must be out or I'd pick up the phone. Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not home. [beep]
TV Show: Seinfeld
[pretending they haven't seen each other in years]
George Costanza: So, what've you been doing with yourself?
Jerry: I'm a comedian.
George Costanza: Yeah, well... I really wouldn't know about that. I don't watch much TV. I like to read. What do you do, a lot of that 'Did you ever notice' kind of stuff? It strikes me a lot of guys are doing that kind of humor.
Jerry: Yeah, yeah... [long pause]
Jerry: Boy, you really went bald there, didn't you?
George Costanza: So, what've you been doing with yourself?
Jerry: I'm a comedian.
George Costanza: Yeah, well... I really wouldn't know about that. I don't watch much TV. I like to read. What do you do, a lot of that 'Did you ever notice' kind of stuff? It strikes me a lot of guys are doing that kind of humor.
Jerry: Yeah, yeah... [long pause]
Jerry: Boy, you really went bald there, didn't you?
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Puddy is wearing a bright orange jacket with an 8 ball on it]
Elaine: What's this? What happened to your fur?
David Puddy: I saw Jerry wearing his. He looked like a bit of a dandy. Check this out. 8 ball. You got a question, you ask the 8 ball.
Elaine: So you're going to wear this all the time?
David Puddy: All signs point to yes.
Elaine: What's this? What happened to your fur?
David Puddy: I saw Jerry wearing his. He looked like a bit of a dandy. Check this out. 8 ball. You got a question, you ask the 8 ball.
Elaine: So you're going to wear this all the time?
David Puddy: All signs point to yes.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[staff meeting at J. Peterman; Anna, one of Elaine's employees, enters wearing George's Yankee jacket]
Elaine: Anna, whose jacket is that?
Anna: It's mine.
Elaine: Oh really? Because, it looks a bit big on you. It looks like something a short, stocky, slow-witted bald man would wear.
Elaine: Anna, whose jacket is that?
Anna: It's mine.
Elaine: Oh really? Because, it looks a bit big on you. It looks like something a short, stocky, slow-witted bald man would wear.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Susan has become a lesbian]
George Costanza: About your... metamorphosis. When did it happen?
Susan Biddle Ross: About right after I broke up with you.
George Costanza: About your... metamorphosis. When did it happen?
Susan Biddle Ross: About right after I broke up with you.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[talking about being on the dating scene]
Estelle Costanza: Well, I'm out there.
George Costanza: No, you're not.
Estelle Costanza: Yes I am.
George Costanza: No, you're not! Because I'm out there, and if I see *you* out there, there's not enough voltage in the universe to electroshock me back into coherence.
Estelle Costanza: Well, I'm out there.
George Costanza: No, you're not.
Estelle Costanza: Yes I am.
George Costanza: No, you're not! Because I'm out there, and if I see *you* out there, there's not enough voltage in the universe to electroshock me back into coherence.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[talking about his love of the word "manure"]
George Costanza: When you consider the other choices, "manure" is actually pretty refreshing.
George Costanza: When you consider the other choices, "manure" is actually pretty refreshing.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[the last lines of dialogue of the last show are the same as the first lines of dialogue of the pilot]
Jerry: See, now to me, that button is in the worst possible spot.
George Costanza: Really?
Jerry: Oh, yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it. It's too high. It's in no man's land.
George Costanza: Haven't we had this conversation before?
Jerry: You think?
George Costanza: I think we have.
Jerry: Yeah, maybe we have.
Jerry: See, now to me, that button is in the worst possible spot.
George Costanza: Really?
Jerry: Oh, yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it. It's too high. It's in no man's land.
George Costanza: Haven't we had this conversation before?
Jerry: You think?
George Costanza: I think we have.
Jerry: Yeah, maybe we have.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Tim Whatley converted to Judaism]
Jerry: Don't you see what Whatley is after? Total joke immunity. He's already got the two major religions covered. If he ever gets Polish citizenship, there'll be no stopping him.
Jerry: Don't you see what Whatley is after? Total joke immunity. He's already got the two major religions covered. If he ever gets Polish citizenship, there'll be no stopping him.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[two noisy people behind him in cinema]
Corinne: George maybe we should move away.
George Costanza: That won't be necessary. [Stands up and turns around to address the noise-makers]
George Costanza: Shut your traps and stop kicking the seats! We're trying to watch the movie. And if I have to tell you again, I'm gonna take you outside and show you what it's like. Do you understand me? Now, shut your mouths or else I'll shut them for you... and if you think I'm kidding, just try me. Try me. Because, I would LOVE IT! [Applause]
Corinne: George maybe we should move away.
George Costanza: That won't be necessary. [Stands up and turns around to address the noise-makers]
George Costanza: Shut your traps and stop kicking the seats! We're trying to watch the movie. And if I have to tell you again, I'm gonna take you outside and show you what it's like. Do you understand me? Now, shut your mouths or else I'll shut them for you... and if you think I'm kidding, just try me. Try me. Because, I would LOVE IT! [Applause]
TV Show: Seinfeld
Elaine Benes: Perhaps there's more to Newman than meets the eye.
Jerry: No, there's less.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Elaine: [about Newman] Maybe he's an enigma, a mystery wrapped in a riddle.
Jerry: Yeah, he's a mystery wrapped in a twinkie.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Elaine: [after seeing an employee remove a "Vincent" picks sign from the movie store] What are you doing?
Video store employee: Vincent stopped making picks.
Elaine: Well, how am I gonna know what movies to see?
Video store employee: We have a wide variety of Gene Picks.
Elaine: Gene's trash.
Video store employee: I'm Gene.
Elaine: [embarassed] Hi.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Elaine: [Elaine's is in pain from her neck] Ah, I think I really strained it. Ow.
Jerry: Aw, I doubt you strained it. Maybe you pulled it.
Elaine: Ach, maybe.
Jerry: Did you twist it? You coulda twisted it.
Elaine: I don't know
Jerry: Did you wrench it? Did you jam it? Maybe you squeezed it. Turned it...
Elaine: [patience exhausted] You know what, why don't you just shut the hell up?
Jerry: Awright.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Elaine: [grabs George's wig] I DON'T LIKE THIS THING. AND HERE'S WHAT I'M DOING WITH IT.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Elaine: [making a toast] Here's to those who wish us well, and those who don't can go to hell.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Elaine: [walking over to a party at a Chinese restaurant] Excuse me, my friends over there are going to pay me fifty bucks if I take one of your eggrolls.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Elaine: A gigolo? Did I drive you to this kind of lifestyle?
George Costanza: Yes, you. You and every woman like you.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Elaine: All right, let's go, I'll give you half an hour.
Jerry: You're serious?
Elaine: Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship.
Jerry: Sex to SAVE the friendship. Well if we have to, we have to.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Elaine: David and I will not get back together.
Jerry: Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can't do it in one push, you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Elaine: Hey, Jerry, when do you consider sex has taken place?
Jerry: I'd say when the nipple makes its first appearance.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Elaine: Hey, Kramer, listen, you've seen The Omen right? What exactly was that kid?
Cosmo Kramer: Who, Damien? Nothing, just a mischievous, rambunctious kid.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Elaine: I got shooshed during Desperado.
Jerry: Desperado? And you're still dating him? I'll tell you who sounds a little desperado...
TV Show: Seinfeld
Elaine: I stopped having sex three days ago and I don't know no Portuguese.
Jerry: You see what's happening here? Your lack of sex is having the opposite effect on you that it is on George.
Elaine: What?
Jerry: You're stupid, dumb!
Elaine: I don't understand.
Jerry: Exactly.
TV Show: Seinfeld