Red vs. Blue - The Blood Gulch Chronicles Quotes

Church: [watching red team through a sniper scope] Okay, so the red guy is Sarge, their leader, which is lucky for us, because he's not a very good leader.
Simmons: Yeah.
Church: And that's Donut. I like Donut. He's pretty harmless, I don't think he'd hurt a fly.
Simmons: Plus he's kinda...
Church: What?
Simmons: Well... y' know...
Church: Actually, I don't know.
Simmons: Well, he's kinda into girly things. Like, feelings, and...
Church: I think you're projecting.
Simmons: I'm not projecting, I'm just stating an observation.
Church: I don't know. You seem pretty defensive for someone who's not projecting.
Simmons: His armour is PINK.
Church: Pink? I wouldn't say pink. More of a... slightly less red.
Simmons: It's pink, okay? I know pink when I see it!
Church: I'm sure you do! You wanna talk about it?
Simmons: NO.
Church: And last is Grif. He's really lazy, and really annoying. But at least he's smart. I think he's smarter than anyone, really.
Simmons: You mean smarter than all the people there are now, right?
Church: No, I mean all of them put together! There was this one guy, in maroon armour, I haven't seen him in a while, but he was a frickin' KNOW IT ALL! He walked around like he owned the place, but no one listened to him, and they didn't really like him.
Simmons: What did they say?
Church: Oh, just that he wasn't good at stuff, and he was dumb

TV Show: Red vs. Blue - The Blood Gulch Chronicles
Sarge: I love blood and violence! I've got a boner for murder!

TV Show: Red vs. Blue - The Blood Gulch Chronicles
Caboose: I knew it... we're all gonna die... [aims gun at the back of Tucker's head]
O'Malley: ...starting with you!

Movie: Red vs. Blue - The Blood Gulch Chronicles
Church: [re-enters the Blue Base and hears some racket going on*] Hey Doc, what the hell is going on in there?
Frank DuFresne: Church, everything's fine. Basically, he's just resting.
Church: Doesn't sound like he's resting.
Frank DuFresne: That's not Tucker; that's our new arrival! He got a lot of energy since his first feeding.
Church: Tucker... *fed*... the baby? Gross.
Frank DuFresne: Actually, Caboose was kind enough to donate some blood. You know what they say: it takes a village.
Church: How'd you get him to agree to that?
Frank DuFresne: It's amazing what Caboose will do if you promise him a cookie and a glass of orange juice.
Church: But he hates needles!
Frank DuFresne: No needles! It turns out if you just expose some bare skin, the little guy just digs right in! It's like a miracle to see nature at work!
Caboose: [arriving on the scene, looking very weak*] I feel dizzy!
Church: Uhm... is he gonna be okay?
Frank DuFresne: Tucker's kid drank half a gallon in one go. Isn't that cool? I think he's gonna be a linebacker. Or a vampire. Or a vampire linebacker! That'll be crazy!
Caboose: [looking up at the ceiling*] Ooooooooo...
Frank DuFresne: Anyway, blood is pretty important. So Caboose is bound to have some side effects like dizziness or nausea or sensitivity to light...
Caboose: I think I'm going to stop standing up now. [falls to the ground*]
Frank DuFresne: Or passing out.
Caboose: Church, if I die, I want you to have my orange

Movie: Red vs. Blue - The Blood Gulch Chronicles
Church: All right you, Doc, get over there and help Caboose!
Frank DuFresne: My name isn't Doc, it's DuFresne.
Church: Yeah. I can't pronounce that, so from now on, your name is Doc.
Frank DuFresne: I'm not really comfortable with that; I'm not a doctor, I'm a medic.
Church: What's the difference?
Frank DuFresne: Well, a doctor cures people. A medic just makes them more comfortable. While they die.
Pvt. Lavernius Tucker: [to himself] Mental note: don't ever get shot.
Church: It's settled then. Your name is now Doc.
Frank DuFresne: All right, but I don't think it'll stick. [the background goes greyscale and DuFresne separates further to the foreground while the name "DOC" slides across behind him and a thematic sting from "Blood Gulch Blues" plays]
Pvt. Lavernius Tucker: Oh, trust us, it'll stick.

Movie: Red vs. Blue - The Blood Gulch Chronicles
Red Zealot: [in the midst of a huge battle] Stop fighting! Stop fighting! Everyone, *stop fighting*! [the fighting stops]
Red Zealot: Everyone, everyone, look unto me! I possess the blue flag!
Red Grunt: [reverently] It's more beautiful than I ever imagined!
Red Zealot: I have seen the top of the mountain, and you will all worship me, as though I were a *god*! [several Blue grunts run up and mob him]
Red Zealot: I regret nothing! I lived as few men dared to dream! [dies]

Movie: Red vs. Blue - The Blood Gulch Chronicles
Simmons: Just a little further, guys.
Sarge: You stole that thing all by yourself?
Donut: Yep, and then I ran over the guy that was chasing us. And a few other innocent pedestrians.
Sarge: I'm so proud of you.
Donut: Yeah, stealing and killing are a huge rush. I wish I'd started at a much younger age. I caught the fever!
Simmons: Okay, the source for the distress signal is right outside this... crap!
Grif: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! [the camera zooms out to reveal Blood Gulch]
Grif: This sucks.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue - The Blood Gulch Chronicles
Sister: [*Simmons has threatened to call Red Command to confirm that Grif and his sister have to run*] You keep talking about them! Why don't you call *our* guys?
Grif: Our guys?
Sister: Yeah! The Blue guys!
Simmons: Excuse me, the wazza-wha?
Sister: The Blue guys! The guys that sent me here! In the big ship!
Simmons: Grif?
Grif: Uh, yeah... this might be a bad time to bring up the fact that my sister is colorblind.
Simmons: WHAT?
Sister: I don't get it! What's the gray guy so upset about?
Simmons: But girls can't be colorblind!
Sister: Yeah? Well, they say girls can't ejaculate either! But guess what?
Grif: Yeah! Wait, what?
Simmons: I can't believe it! It was such a simple espionage plan, the Blues have decimated our forces. Quick, quick, get me a shovel! Oh, Sarge is gonna be pissed!...

Movie: Red vs. Blue - The Blood Gulch Chronicles
Tex: [the Reds and Blues have just rendezvoused with Tex at Zansibar] What took you guys so long to get here?
Simmons: There's six of us, and this is only a three-seater jeep. Half of us had to sit on someone else's lap.
Donut: [enthusiastically] It was a great road trip! My favorite part was when Grif tried to change gears, and he accidentally...
Grif: [disgusted sigh] Ugh, *please*, let's not tell this story. Is there somewhere I can wash my hands?
Sarge: What'd you find, Tex?
Tex: Well, O'Malley's holed up in his fortress. He's been fortifying his defenses for a few days, now. And he's got some help. One of those religious nuts you guys picked up.
Caboose: [excited] Oh, I liked them. They were funny.
Tucker: Caboose, they tried to kill you because of a *flag*.
Caboose: I try not to remember the bad things about people.
Tucker: That's *all* they tried to do! There *were* no good things!
Caboose: That's okay. I have a really bad memory - wow, look, a beach!
Sarge: Shut up, Caboose.

Movie: Red vs. Blue - The Blood Gulch Chronicles
[Simmons and Grif of Red Army are faced with the Blue Army's tank, manned by Caboose. The tank is pointing its cannon at them]
Simmons: OK, you ready? Let's do this on three. One...
Grif: Wait. On three, or three and then go?
Simmons: On three. It's always faster to go on three.
Grif: OK. OK. On three.
Caboose: Here!
Sheila: Tutorial deactivated. AutoFire sequence activated.
Simmons: Ready?
Sheila: Acquiring targets.
Church: [to Tucker] I'm going for the jeep. Cover me.
Simmons: One... [Grif starts backing away, then turns and runs like hell]
Sheila: Target acquired.
Grif: Oh ****, oh ****, oh ****...
Simmons: Two...
Sheila: Target locked.
Simmons: Three! [Simmons turns and sees that Grif is long gone]
Simmons: Oh, you backstabbing cockbite!
Sheila: Firing main cannon. [Sheila fires her cannon and blows up the Warthog]
Simmons: Son of a *****!
Grif: Son of a *****!
Church: Son of a *****!
Sheila: Firing main cannon. [Sheila continues firing while everyone runs away from the tank]
Tucker: [to Church] Hey dude, the jeep blew up!
Church: No kidding. Thanks for the update, Tucker!
Simmons: [hiding with Grif behind a rock that Sheila continues to shoot at] Hey, I have a great idea. Let's get out of the jeep, a

TV Show: Red vs. Blue - The Blood Gulch Chronicles
[the Blues have Lopez and have delivered an ultimatum to Sarge and the mostly robotic Simmons]
Sarge: I'm torn between my intense distrust of the blue team and the need for the plans stored in my favorite robotic creation! [beat]
Sarge: No offense, Simmons.
Simmons: None taken, sir! You removed the negative emotional center of my brain, and implanted it in Grif!
Grif: [sobbing] I... I just can't take this, we're all going to *die*!

TV Show: Red vs. Blue - The Blood Gulch Chronicles
[Tucker has just overheard the Red Team leader talking to Red Command, who is the same person as Blue Command']
Tucker: What the hell, Vic? How do you know the Red Team? What are you helping them against the Blues? What the **** is going on here?
Blue Command: Ohh. Private Tucker. You're on here too Um... See, I um... you guys are... uh, I gotta go, bad connection. [Command turns off their radio]

TV Show: Red vs. Blue - The Blood Gulch Chronicles