Ed Quotes

Eddie Brodsky: First dates go better when nothing dies.

TV Show: Ed
Edward D. Wood, Jr.: [talking on phone] Bunny? We're making another movie! Yes. I got the Baptist Church of Beverly Hills to put up the cash!
Paul Marco: [knocking on door] Ed, I got the Lugosi doubles outside!
Edward D. Wood, Jr.: Bunny, I gotta go... [Ed opens the door to find a short man, a fat man, and a Chinese man]
Edward D. Wood, Jr.: [sighs, shakes head] He's too short, he's too... tall, he's... just not going to work.
Paul Marco: Well, Ed. I was thinking like when Bela played Fu Manchu...
Edward D. Wood, Jr.: [Pulls Paul aside] [wispering]
Edward D. Wood, Jr.: Paul, that was Karloff.

TV Show: Ed
Emmanuelle: Try making a figure 8 with your tongue. It's a mind scrambler.

TV Show: Ed
Nancy Burton: I've always wondered where that phrase came from - speak of the devil.
Ed Stevens: Well, according to ancient legend, if you said the devil's name three times... he would appear.
Mike Burton: According to ancient legend? Dude, you got that from Beetlejuice.

TV Show: Ed
[Ed envisions his breakup with translators to help]
Anne, Ed's ex: I'm like a balloon and you're like a rock.
Female Translator: I'm open to change. You're an immovable objest who can't see the benefit of a little risk.
Eddie Brodsky: I think you're wrong.
Male Translator: I'm right, as usual.
Anne, Ed's ex: I just think we need to take some time to rethink what we're doing together, maybe make some things a little less exclusive.
Female Translator: There's a guy at work who makes the zipper on my jeans melt.
Eddie Brodsky: (to translator) No.
Female Translator: Yes.
Eddie Brodsky: I don't think it's healthy for us to see other people.
Male Translator: If I see you with that guy, I'll kill him, and/or separate him from his most precious organ with a dull butter knife.
Anne, Ed's ex: Look, I just need to take some time to figure things out. I just need some time. Is that too much to ask?
Female Translator: Wake up, it's over.
Eddie Brodsky: My head hurts.
Male Translator: My head hurts.
Anne, Ed's ex: Call me later. I'll be home.
Female Translator: If you think I'm going to change my mind, you're dreaming.
Eddie Brodsky: Yeah...fine...alright...okay.
Male Translator: I cannot put into word the feelings raging within me at this moment. Suffice it to say I am now envisioning putting a gun to my head the moment you walk away from me.

TV Show: Ed
[At Stuckeybowl]
Mike Burton: Ten bucks if you yell "I love kitties" at the top of your lungs.
Ed Stevens: I LOVE KITTIES! [everyone stares]

TV Show: Ed
[Dr. Jerome has hired another young doctor to compete with Mike]
Mike Burton: Dr. Jerome, what's going on?
Dr. Walter Jerome: Many things, Dr. Burton, many things. The universe is expanding, the art of cinema is dying, and my daughter Melissa is marrying a Moroccan. The man wears a fez.

TV Show: Ed
[Ed compliments Shirley's "S" on the Stuckeybowl wall]
Ed Stevens: It's very good Shirley.
Shirley Pifko: Are you coming on to me?

TV Show: Ed
[Ed is getting drunk with Nick, Carol's boyfriend]
Nick Stanton: A mailman? That's just... unbelievable!
Ed Stevens: Well, Nick... what can I tell you? Neither rain, nor sleet, nor gloom of night could stop him from having sex with my wife. [They both laugh. Carol smirks nervously]
Nick Stanton: I tell you... if I were you I'd just put the whole damn thing behind me. Get out there, find yourself a fine new woman.
Ed Stevens: [looks at Carol] Well, Nick... you know, as it turns out, I already have.
Nick Stanton: Then what's the problem?
Ed Stevens: She's in love with a pompous jackass.
Nick Stanton: [winces] Oh, man... I've been there! I feel for ya!

TV Show: Ed
[Ed is preparing Thanksgiving dinner]
Mike Burton: I've got my money on grease fire.

TV Show: Ed
[Ed is talking to Carol's class about being a lawyer]
Carol Vessey: Does anyone have any questions for Mr. Stevens? [Warren raises his hand]
Carol Vessey: Warren?
Warren Cheswick: Yeah, I was just wondering, umm... when you invite a client over to your office for the first time, and they see that it's, like... in a bowling alley, or whatever... umm... are they ever, like, "Thanks, but I think I'm gonna find a lawyer whose office is *not* in a bowling alley," or...
Ed Stevens: It happens. Sometimes.

TV Show: Ed
[Ed is throwing waffles on Carol's roof after she broke up with Nick because she couldn't throw HIM a waffle]
Ed Stevens: Hi!
Carol Vessey: I don't think I can handle you being adorable right now.
Ed Stevens: Sorry, I can't turn that off.

TV Show: Ed
[Ed just bought a bowling alley after Carol kissed him]
Molly Hudson: You're lucky you didn't sleep with him. He would have bought a strip mall.

TV Show: Ed
[Ed presses Carol to tell him about her boyfriend troubles]
Carol Vessey: Oh, God, this is gonna sound so stupid. All right. Nick and I were having breakfast at my house.
Ed Stevens: Came over for breakfast. Gotcha.
Carol Vessey: No, Ed. He did not come over. He was there. He slept there.
Ed Stevens: Crashed on your couch. Gotcha.
Carol Vessey: No, Ed. He slept with me.
Ed Stevens: You sleep with Nick? Eeeeewwwwwwwwwww!

TV Show: Ed
[Ed show up to the prom in a light blue tux with a yellow ruffled shirt underneath]
Carol Vessey: Hello my Powder blue friend.

TV Show: Ed
[Ed shows up at the high school in a suit of armor to give Carol flowers]
Warren Cheswick: This sucks! I was up all night carving Jello!

TV Show: Ed
[In a duck suit]
Ed Stevens: Quack quack. That's all I got... beer's over there.

TV Show: Ed
[To Ed]
Eli Cartwright Goggins III: You kill me with that surprised look on your face after you leave Phil here all day by himself.

TV Show: Ed
[Warren is talking with friends about the possibility of asking out Jessica Martel when he bumps into his girlfriend]
Donna Tozzi: What's so exciting?
Mark Vanacore: Uh... they're making Superman into a movie.
Donna Tozzi: Didn't they already do that?
Mark Vanacore: No.

TV Show: Ed

Phil Stubbs: Hey! You like sex? Come to the Festival of Ducks!

TV Show: Ed

Phil Stubbs: I never liked kids. They're like small drunk adults.

TV Show: Ed

Phil Stubbs: Oh man, I am so drunk! I drank too much alcohol! You can call me Mr. McDrunko!

TV Show: Ed

Phil Stubbs: Shave my poodle!

TV Show: Ed

Phil Stubbs: Wow, you think you know somebody. This has been a very educational night. *Very* educational. [when Molly refuses to float him through her class]

TV Show: Ed

Molly Hudson: I just thought I'd spice it up a bit. I mean, why say 'Hello' when you can say 'Hellooooooooo'?

TV Show: Ed

Molly Hudson: Mr. Nowell, your son is a geek. He's smart and he's witty and he's sensitive. All rare and wonderful qualities to have, but when you're 15 they get you duct taped to a locker.

TV Show: Ed

Carol Vessey: Here we are - Chez Stevens.
Ed Stevens: I prefer Casa Del Stevens.
Carol Vessey: My mistake.

TV Show: Ed

Carol Vessey: I can never decide if you're totally adorable or totally creepy.

TV Show: Ed

Carol Vessey: Mr. Calculus Teacher Man is in the hay-ouse!

TV Show: Ed

Carol Vessey: My one chance at something vaguely resembling happiness, and you destroyed it.
Ed Stevens: What?
Carol Vessey: You ruined my wedding, and... and you made me lose Dennis.
Ed Stevens: How could I have ruined your wedding? I wasn't even there.
Carol Vessey: Of course you were there. You're always there. Because no matter what I try to do Ed Stevens is always there.
Ed Stevens: I... I don't know... I don't know what you're so upset about.
Carol Vessey: Ed, do you want to know why Dennis walked out of the wedding?
Ed Stevens: Why?
Carol Vessey: I'll tell you why. I'll... I'll tell you why! Because he thought I was looking around the church for you. He thought I was looking for Ed Stevens.
Ed Stevens: Were you?
Carol Vessey: Yeah. Yeah, I was.
Ed Stevens: Why Carol?
Carol Vessey: Because you never stop. It's been this way ever since you came back to Stuckeyville. You didn't even know me. Ed, you did not even know me, and yet you made it your life's work to just, to wear me down. It's like, it's like you crawled into my skull, and you found a nice, comfy little place to rest, and you refuse to leave. No matter what I said, no matter what I did, you just never stopped coming after me. You, you just never stopped!
Ed Stevens: You never wanted me to stop! And you wanted me to stop. It's true Carol. I did all these things. I dressed up as a knight. I sang. I danced. I threw waffles at your bedroom window. I hired a skywriter. I got up on a horse named Crazy Jimmy, and you loved it. You loved it. And you hated it. Because you didn't think you deserved it. And you know what Carol? You were right. What, what are you doing?
Carol Vessey: I don't know. I don't know.
Ed Stevens: Carol, look at me. I'm dying. I gotta g

TV Show: Ed