Dumb and Dumber To Quotes

Lloyd Christmas: Hey, Har. You wanna hear the second most annoying sound in the world?
Harry Dunne: Sure. [constantly rings the doorbell]
Harry Dunne: Yeah, that's pretty annoying.
Lloyd Christmas: No, not that.
Lloyd Christmas: That!

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Harry Dunne: Whoa! Lloyd! Check out the hotties at 12 o'clock.
Lloyd Christmas: That's almost three hours away. Can't I check them out now?

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Harry Dunne: I'm his associate, Dr. Christmas.
Dr. Meldmann: Ah. Christmas, like the holiday?
Lloyd Christmas: No, Like the tree.

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Harry Dunne: [Going through his extremely old mail left at his childhood home]Whoa. I got accepted at Arizona State.

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Harry Dunne: Lloyd, did you say something? That's it, kid. You can do it. Come on! Come on, come on, come on! Spit it out!
Lloyd Christmas: GOT YA!
Harry Dunne: Wh- Wh- Wh- What-What-What?
Lloyd Christmas: You should see the look on your face! I got you so good!
Harry Dunne: W- W- W- Wait, wait. Wait a second! Are you telling me that you were faking for 20 years?
Lloyd Christmas: Uh-huh.
Harry Dunne: So you mean you just wasted the best years of your life.
Lloyd Christmas: Out the window.
Harry Dunne: And you let me come here every Wednesday for like a thousand weeks and it was all just for a gag?
Lloyd Christmas: Uh-huh!
Harry Dunne: That's... awesome!

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Harry Dunne: How many days are in April?
Lloyd Christmas: 30 days have September, all the rest I can't remember
Harry Dunne: Must be 31 because nothing rhymes with August
Lloyd Christmas: Nah I think it's 32 Harry. April's a leap month

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Lloyd Christmas: Hey, who's this?
Harry Dunne: That's Butthole. I found him out in the alley.
Lloyd Christmas: Why did you name him Butthole?
Harry Dunne: Oh. 'Cause of this. [shows the cat's butthole]
Lloyd Christmas: Oh, yeah. Good name. Totally fits.

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Lloyd Christmas
Harry Dunne: [to Dr. Walcott]Show us your tits!
Harry Dunne: Both of 'em!

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Harry Dunne: Wait a minute. I know what you're up to mister. You wanna stay 'cause you're hot for my daughter.
Lloyd Christmas: What?
Harry Dunne: Am I right?
Lloyd Christmas: What?
Harry Dunne: Am I right?
Lloyd Christmas: That's insane!

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Captain Lippencott: Where is the invention? WHERE IS THE GODDAMN BILLION DOLLAR INVENTION!

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Lloyd Christmas: Hey, you guys want to play He Who Smelt It?
Harry Dunne: Yeah.
Travis: What's that?
Lloyd Christmas: It's complicated, so pay attention. We put the windows up, first one who smells a fart gets a point. If you say who dealt it, double points.
Harry Dunne: But if you say you smelled a fart and nobody farted, like if we were passing a slaughterhouse.
Lloyd Christmas: False fart!
Harry Dunne: You lose a point. And you can't smell your own farts either.
Travis: What, are you kidding? No! No! I'm not gonna sit around sniffin' you guys's farts like some kind of truffle pig. Forget it!
Harry Dunne: Okay, fine. Lloyd and I will play one-on-one.
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, head-to-head.
Travis: How can you play one-on-one? If you smell a fart, and you didn't do it, isn't it obvious the other guy did?
Lloyd Christmas: I thought you said you never played before.
Harry Dunne: Yeah. Sound like he wrote the rule book.
Lloyd Christmas: I think we might have a hustler, Har.

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Harry Dunne: Okay, Dr. Picasso, what's your definition of sex?
Fraida Felcher: Well... [whispers to Harry and Lloyd]
Lloyd Christmas: No way! That's just... Not my mom! Ew!
Harry Dunne: But that's where she pees!
Lloyd Christmas: It's in my head, and I can't unlearn it! You're bad!
Harry Dunne: Can you show us?
Lloyd Christmas: I call sloppy seconds.

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Lloyd Christmas: Legs are a little rubbery after all that time sitting here. Why don't you roll me inside? We'll get the nurse take the catheter out of me. I wanna see if my lizard's still spitting straight.
Lloyd Christmas: We don't need nurses for that. I know how to do it.
Lloyd Christmas: Don't you have to... [Harry pulls on the catheter, yanking Lloyd off the wheelchair]
Lloyd Christmas: Oh, God!
Harry Dunne: That things really taken root!

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Harry Dunne: Lloyd? I think that was her gran-gina.
Mrs. Snergle: That's right. So you can cross that one off your bucket list.

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Lloyd Christmas: [Lloyd notices Harry has a meth dealer in their apartment]Who's the astronaut?
Harry Dunne: Oh, that's my new roommate.
Lloyd Christmas: [Shocked and slightly disappointed]Roommate? You have a new roommate?
Harry Dunne: Well, I mean, I had to get someone to pay half of the rent while you were in hospital. How's it going, Ice Pick?
Ice Pick: [Sarcastically]Best day ever. Greatest day of my life, really.
Harry Dunne: Pick cooks up a rock candy that'll make you dizzy. Folks come from all over the city to buy it.
Lloyd Christmas: It's burning my eyes. Must be Cajun style,

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Lloyd Christmas: [Lloyd meets the now adult Billy 4C for the first time in 20 years]Hey Billy! I hear you got a lot of flockin' birds!
Billy: Is that you, Lloyd?
Lloyd Christmas: Very good. I didn't think you'd recognize me after all these years. So what you been up to, buddy boy? Seen any good movies lately? [Harry nudges him]
Lloyd Christmas: I mean, you know, like, on the radio?
Billy: [Lloyd feeds some of Billy's parrots candy]What was that? Did you just feed them something?
Lloyd Christmas: Relax. Just a little candy.
Billy: You can't feed candy to birds! They're stomachs'll explode!
Lloyd Christmas: Even if it's just a few Pop Rocks?
Billy: Are you crazy? Pick those up! Pick 'em up!
Lloyd Christmas: All right, all right! Sheesh. Well, nice catching up. See you later.
Billy: Not If I see you first!
Lloyd Christmas: Ha-ha! Good one!
Billy: No, no, no. It's okay, Siskel. Daddy's not going to let them get anywhere near you.
Lloyd Christmas
Harry Dunne: [Together at once]BOOGA! [the pair frighten Billy]
Lloyd Christmas: See? I told you that hearing thing was a wives' tail.

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Lloyd Christmas: [Harry and Lloyd mistake Freida as her daughter]Suck me sideways!
Harry Dunne: You're the spitting image of her!
Fraida Felcher: You morons! This is the return address. Her's is on the side with the stamp.
Lloyd Christmas: But it's still uncanny!

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Harry's Dad: We love you, Harry.
Lloyd Christmas: Do you love him long time?

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Trucker's Pal: Kick his ass, Sea Bass!

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[first lines] Asylum Nurse No. 1: There he is again.
Asylum Nurse
2: Almost two decades and he still comes.
Asylum Nurse No. 1: So sad.

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Harry Dunne: Mr Stainer, Mrs Stainer so nice to see you.
Mr. Stainer: Harry, Lloyd. To what do we the owe the honour at this late hour gentlemen?
Lloyd Christmas: We were just wondering if Pee Stain wanted to come out for some suds snd maybe having his ass handed to him in a couple of games of Dig Dug.
Mr. Stainer: Lloyd. Peter is dead.
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah right. Since when?
Mr. Stainer: Since 1991. Remember?
Lloyd Christmas: The motorcycle accident? But I thought he pulled through. The obituary said he was survived by his parents.
Mr. Stainer: No he did mot pull through.
Lloyd Christmas: Are you sure?
Mr. Stainer: Yes. [Shows the duo a poster of their late son]
Lloyd Christmas: You guys are right. Anyway sorry about that whole thing. Pee Stain and I were close friends.
Mr. Stainer: Yeah we know. You were the one who sold him the motorcycle.
Lloyd Christmas: And if I recall I made him a sweet deal. My bike for his helmet straight up. That thing was a rocket. A little squirrelly on the corners, and when you got on it straight away...
Mr. Stainer: Good night Lloyd. Good night Harry.

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Harry Dunne: I don't know about this, Lloyd. I haven't been home for over 20 years.
Lloyd Christmas: Come on, Harry! You need a genital organ match. They're your parents.
Harry Dunne: I'm not gonna go crawling back to them, Lloyd. Not after what they did to me.
Lloyd Christmas: What'd they do?
Harry Dunne: They threw me out of the house.
Lloyd Christmas: Why?
Harry Dunne: Just 'cause I told them I was gay.
Lloyd Christmas: Why'd you tell them that?
Harry Dunne: I was sick of mowing the lawn.

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Lloyd Christmas: Cheers!
Fraida Felcher: Whoa! Wait. Where'd you get that?
Lloyd Christmas: The Slurpee machine in the back.
Fraida Felcher: That's embalming fluid.
Lloyd Christmas: Oh. Does it have aspartame?
Fraida Felcher: No.
Lloyd Christmas: Cool.

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Dr. Pinchelow: You know, I always wondered what Penny's natural father was like. When my late wife and I adopted her, we didn't have much information her birth parents. We were told her mother was single, and that she was... Well...
Adele: You can say it, dear. She was rumored to be a titanic whore.
Harry Dunne: That's a lie! Fraida never stepped foot on the Titanic!
Lloyd Christmas: You must be talking about the time she did the night crew on the Block Island Ferry.

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[after Mrs. Snergle convinces Lloyd there are diamonds under her blanket] Lloyd Christmas: Did you hide them inside this turkey?
Mrs. Snergle: Yeah, right. [starts moaning]
Lloyd Christmas: [wiggling his arm]Wait. There's no diamonds here.
Mrs. Snergle: [sternly]And you're not my grandson!

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Dr. Pinchelow: I know she will appreciate all the trouble you have come to find her. Let's call her. [Hands over to Harry his cellphone]
Harry Dunne: It's ringing!
Lloyd Christmas: [Lloyd answers Penny's discarded cellphone]Whoever this is, we're in the middle of something very important here.
Harry Dunne: [Oblivious Lloyd is speaking]This is your Dad!
Lloyd Christmas: [to Penny's foster parents]Guys I know this is weird timing but I got to take this. It's my dead Dad!

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Harry Dunne: [Lloyd is in a catatonic state at a mental hospital]Come on, Lloyd. You gotta get over her. Mary Samsonite was just a girl. Besides, she's married. And even if it had worked out, would you really want ginger babies? Gross

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Harry Dunne: Let me ask you something Freida. If I'm not Penny's father and Lloyd's not her father then who's her father?
Fraida Felcher: Funny you should ask. [to Penny]
Fraida Felcher: Honey how would uou like to meet some relatives? [Points towards the Stainers]
Lloyd Christmas: Mr Stainer? I should have known. You horny old goat!
Fraida Felcher: No Lloyd. Mr Stainer is Penny's grandfather.
Harry Dunne: You mean Pee Stain's the dad?
Lloyd Christmas: Duh!

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Lloyd Christmas: Wow. Think about it. If I hadn't sold that crotch rocket to Pee Stain, you wouldn't have a bastard child who's gonna save your life.
Harry Dunne: God's got a pretty warped sense of humor, huh?
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah. I bet he smokes weed. Otherwise, why he put our testicles outside our bodies, where someone can do this? [hits Harry in his crotch]

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Fraida Felcher: Look, guys. It's me. Fraida Felcher.
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, right. Like we'd be fighting over those blowfish jowls. No offense.
Fraida Felcher: Harry, Lloyd, I'm gonna say this one more time. I'm Fraida.
Lloyd Christmas: [whispers to Harry]Tattoo.
Harry Dunne: Oh, yeah. Then show us your tattoo. 'Cause Fraida had a cute little smiley face on her back, right above her bikini line. Well? [Fraida shows her tattoo]
Harry Dunne: Hmm. It's close.
Lloyd Christmas: Mmm. [Fraida pushes up the smiley face]
Lloyd Christmas: Oh. Hi, Fraida.
Harry Dunne: Oh, hey! How ya been?
Lloyd Christmas: Have you been doing yoga?

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