Coupling Quotes
Sally: Having a bottom is living with the enemy. Not only do they spend their lives slowly inflating, they flirt with men while we're looking the other way.
TV Show: Coupling
Jeff: You know jelly-wrestling... which is basically jelly with women wrestling in it... OK, well, think about this. Afterwards, after the wrestling, what happens to the jelly? Because you could sell that. That is a missed opportunity. You could bottle it and sell it... You take the women out first, obviously.
TV Show: Coupling
Steve: What are they [cushions] for?
Store Manager: You sit on them.
Steve: Aha! I see that's where you're wrong! Nobody sits on them. Ok, watch this! Here's the cushion. I'm putting it on the sofa. Now, watch me! I'm sitting down, and what do I do on my final approach? I... [he moves the cushion from the seat] oop! Move the cushion! You see? It's not involved! It's not part of the whole sitting process! It just lies there, it's fat litter! It's a sofa parasite!
Jane: It's... you know, padding.
Steve: Oh, padding! Oh now that's interesting. See, I like padding. You know, if I was, say, an American football player with all those big bastards running at me, I would say, you know, "Give me some of that padding and be quick about it!" You know, if my job involved bouncing down jagged rocks, I would say, "In view of those jagged rocks down there, I'll have some of that padding, thank you very much!" But Susan, Sally, Jane, this... is a sofa. It is designed by clever scientists in such a way so is to shield the unprotected user from the way of skin abrasions, serious head trauma, and of course - [he collapses behind the sofa and reemerges] - Daleks! You lot, trust me girls, trust me on this one, you do not need padding to tackle upholstery! So please, once and for all, tell me, why on Earth you would want me to sit on one of THESE!
Susan: Because, if you pressed it firmly against your bottom it might stop you talking!
Store Manager: You sit on them.
Steve: Aha! I see that's where you're wrong! Nobody sits on them. Ok, watch this! Here's the cushion. I'm putting it on the sofa. Now, watch me! I'm sitting down, and what do I do on my final approach? I... [he moves the cushion from the seat] oop! Move the cushion! You see? It's not involved! It's not part of the whole sitting process! It just lies there, it's fat litter! It's a sofa parasite!
Jane: It's... you know, padding.
Steve: Oh, padding! Oh now that's interesting. See, I like padding. You know, if I was, say, an American football player with all those big bastards running at me, I would say, you know, "Give me some of that padding and be quick about it!" You know, if my job involved bouncing down jagged rocks, I would say, "In view of those jagged rocks down there, I'll have some of that padding, thank you very much!" But Susan, Sally, Jane, this... is a sofa. It is designed by clever scientists in such a way so is to shield the unprotected user from the way of skin abrasions, serious head trauma, and of course - [he collapses behind the sofa and reemerges] - Daleks! You lot, trust me girls, trust me on this one, you do not need padding to tackle upholstery! So please, once and for all, tell me, why on Earth you would want me to sit on one of THESE!
Susan: Because, if you pressed it firmly against your bottom it might stop you talking!
TV Show: Coupling
Steve: Should you kiss her now or does that mean you gotta start from the top again?
Jeff: Should you be making noises yet? Is it too soon to grunt?
Steve: [snaps fingers] And then, the killer - out of nowhere, for no reason you can think of, you call her [huskily] "baby."
Jeff: You never called her "baby" before.
Steve: You've never called anyone "baby" before.
Jeff: So why did you just call her "baby"? Suddenly you're starting to blush.
Steve: Now, you're blushing and you've got an erection. No-one's got enough blood!
Jeff: [Scotty voice] The engines, Cap'n! They cannae take it!
Steve: Then the Melty Man hits you with his secret weapon.
Jeff: Just one single thought is placed in your mind at this crucial time.
Steve: "Please God! Don't let me lose my erection!"
Jeff: [hand goes down] Pufff.
Patrick: [with terror and disbelief] How do you guys manage to have sex?
Steve: ["duh!" voice] We don't.
Jeff: I haven't had sex in years.
Steve: It's just not possible anymore.
Jeff: We are followers of the Melty Man.
Steve: And you're one of us now.
Jeff: Should you be making noises yet? Is it too soon to grunt?
Steve: [snaps fingers] And then, the killer - out of nowhere, for no reason you can think of, you call her [huskily] "baby."
Jeff: You never called her "baby" before.
Steve: You've never called anyone "baby" before.
Jeff: So why did you just call her "baby"? Suddenly you're starting to blush.
Steve: Now, you're blushing and you've got an erection. No-one's got enough blood!
Jeff: [Scotty voice] The engines, Cap'n! They cannae take it!
Steve: Then the Melty Man hits you with his secret weapon.
Jeff: Just one single thought is placed in your mind at this crucial time.
Steve: "Please God! Don't let me lose my erection!"
Jeff: [hand goes down] Pufff.
Patrick: [with terror and disbelief] How do you guys manage to have sex?
Steve: ["duh!" voice] We don't.
Jeff: I haven't had sex in years.
Steve: It's just not possible anymore.
Jeff: We are followers of the Melty Man.
Steve: And you're one of us now.
TV Show: Coupling
Jane: You know the real way to tell if a man likes you? Have a drink with him, and if he puts his glass down really close to yours, that means he really likes you and something's definitely going to happen.
Sally: You know, I think Patrick does that. I think he does that glass thing.
Jane: Of course, as indicators go, an enormous erection's a bit more reliable.
Sally: You know, I think Patrick does that. I think he does that glass thing.
Jane: Of course, as indicators go, an enormous erection's a bit more reliable.
TV Show: Coupling
Patrick: [learning about the Melty Man] So who is he?
Steve: The arch enemy of trouser confidence.
Jeff: Professor Moriarty in groin form.
Steve: Darth Vader...
Jeff: ...without the helmet.
Steve: The arch enemy of trouser confidence.
Jeff: Professor Moriarty in groin form.
Steve: Darth Vader...
Jeff: ...without the helmet.
TV Show: Coupling
Jane: I don't like to label everything in my medicine cabinet. You'd never have any surprises.
Steve: This week's top tip from Children's Hour.
Steve: This week's top tip from Children's Hour.
TV Show: Coupling
Sally: Did you know that your nose keeps growing all your life? If I don't get married soon, they're going to have to cut a hole in the veil!
TV Show: Coupling
Jeff: Steve, you know what the sentence of death is, don't you? I don't mean the sentence like in executions and stuff, I mean the scary one... Just five words, Steve. Five little words. "Where. Is. This. Relationship. Going?"
TV Show: Coupling
Jeff: You know what's great about skirts? When a woman's wearing a skirt, you know, you know that somewhere in that room, shifting all the time, there is the VAA: the Visual Access Angle. A clear line of sight back to base camp.
TV Show: Coupling
Patrick: [on inventing a fake marriage] What choice did I have? I'm thirty-three, single, with neat hair. Even I think I'm gay!
TV Show: Coupling
Jeff: [as Steve is on the phone] What's wrong?
Steve: It's Jane. She's stuck naked in someone else's flat!
Jeff: Naked?
Steve: Completely! She's only got her coat!
Jeff: Can I speak to her? [he takes the phone] Hi Jane, it's Jeff.
Jane: [bewildered] Hi, Jeff...
Jeff: [grins, pauses, then hands the phone back to Steve] Thanks. [he walks off]
Jane: Jeff?
Steve: Um, he's just gone to the loo... might be some time.
Steve: It's Jane. She's stuck naked in someone else's flat!
Jeff: Naked?
Steve: Completely! She's only got her coat!
Jeff: Can I speak to her? [he takes the phone] Hi Jane, it's Jeff.
Jane: [bewildered] Hi, Jeff...
Jeff: [grins, pauses, then hands the phone back to Steve] Thanks. [he walks off]
Jane: Jeff?
Steve: Um, he's just gone to the loo... might be some time.
TV Show: Coupling
Sally: It's a scientific fact that if you say "naked" three or more times, to any man, he has to cross his legs.
TV Show: Coupling
Steve: You think that if you kiss a woman, your mother will emasculate you with a miniature guillotine?
Jeff: I know. Mothers, eh? Did you ever find your mother would always appear at your bedroom door at the worst possible time and say 'Oh Jeffery'?
Steve: Well... not being called Jeffery.
Jeff: 'Oh Jeffery', always so disappointed.
Jeff: I know. Mothers, eh? Did you ever find your mother would always appear at your bedroom door at the worst possible time and say 'Oh Jeffery'?
Steve: Well... not being called Jeffery.
Jeff: 'Oh Jeffery', always so disappointed.
TV Show: Coupling
Jeff: I am a prison for sperms. Those poor little tadpoles have been sentenced to life in Jeff Murdock's groin. And let me tell you, that can be a pretty lonely place.
Steve: I'm sure you always... lend a hand.
Jeff: Well, yeah, there's that. But that's not what the boys are wanting, is it? See, they want to think they're going somewhere when they go. I keep thinking about my brave lads all excited on the launch pad, and then suddenly it's "Ohh, no! Daylight!"
Steve: I'm sure you always... lend a hand.
Jeff: Well, yeah, there's that. But that's not what the boys are wanting, is it? See, they want to think they're going somewhere when they go. I keep thinking about my brave lads all excited on the launch pad, and then suddenly it's "Ohh, no! Daylight!"
TV Show: Coupling
Jeff: You know what having a girlfriend is like? Having a girlfriend is like legalised sex.
Steve: Jeff, sex is legal. It always has been legal.
Jeff: You know what I mean, when I have sex with Julia, it's just so... realistic.
Steve: Jeff, sex is legal. It always has been legal.
Jeff: You know what I mean, when I have sex with Julia, it's just so... realistic.
TV Show: Coupling
Jane: I once went on holiday and pretended to be twins. It was amazing fun. I invented this mad, glamorous sister and went around really annoying everybody. And d'you know, I could get away with anything when I was my crazy twin Jane.
Sally: But you're Jane.
Jane: Kinda stuck. It's a long story.
Sally: But you're Jane.
Jane: Kinda stuck. It's a long story.
TV Show: Coupling
Patrick: Julia's pants... are they really tiny?
Jeff: You could accidentally swallow three whole pairs in one go!
Patrick: Jeff?
Jeff: Yeah?
Patrick: They spread.
Jeff: What?
Patrick: Pants. They spread, and grow.
Steve: Experts can determine the age of a relationship from pants spreadage alone.
Patrick: You start off with that sexy little thong...
Steve: And one day you're looking at the makings of a decent sized trampoline.
Jeff: [scared] It's not gonna be like that with me and Julia.
Steve: Jeff, Jeff. Before you know it, you'll be sitting on the sofa with Julia, she'll be wearing pants large enough to cover Switzerland, and you'll discover that you're unable to make the slightest movement without her asking, [high-pitched] "Where are you going?" Every time! "Where are you going?" She won't even know she's saying it! It's- it's like you've set off a motion sensor. And then, you'll notice that your house is covered in shoes. [gets up and picks up a shoe] Shoes! Shoes everywhere! Why do they have so many shoes? Do they have extra feet we don't know about? Do they sprout rows of additional feet while we're asleep and gallop around the streets at night shouting [screeching] "WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"
[Jeff and Patrick stare at him]
Steve: Uh... S-sorry. Dr-drifted a bit there.
Jeff: You could accidentally swallow three whole pairs in one go!
Patrick: Jeff?
Jeff: Yeah?
Patrick: They spread.
Jeff: What?
Patrick: Pants. They spread, and grow.
Steve: Experts can determine the age of a relationship from pants spreadage alone.
Patrick: You start off with that sexy little thong...
Steve: And one day you're looking at the makings of a decent sized trampoline.
Jeff: [scared] It's not gonna be like that with me and Julia.
Steve: Jeff, Jeff. Before you know it, you'll be sitting on the sofa with Julia, she'll be wearing pants large enough to cover Switzerland, and you'll discover that you're unable to make the slightest movement without her asking, [high-pitched] "Where are you going?" Every time! "Where are you going?" She won't even know she's saying it! It's- it's like you've set off a motion sensor. And then, you'll notice that your house is covered in shoes. [gets up and picks up a shoe] Shoes! Shoes everywhere! Why do they have so many shoes? Do they have extra feet we don't know about? Do they sprout rows of additional feet while we're asleep and gallop around the streets at night shouting [screeching] "WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"
[Jeff and Patrick stare at him]
Steve: Uh... S-sorry. Dr-drifted a bit there.
TV Show: Coupling
Sally: You've always got to send a man a book when you split up, to prove how you're a caring, giving person, and how they're going to die in a pit of their own filth.
TV Show: Coupling
Susan: [Asked by Sally if she wants to talk about her break-up with Steve] Okay... you know what's really getting me mad? My boyfriend... my fiance... the man who, against all my better judgment I actually love... chatted up a woman in a bar. And on the very same day – the very same day – I chatted up a man. Do you see? Do you get it? I'm equally at fault. How can I ever forgive him for that? But, of course, I'm not going to forgive him because... because men – and I don't mean to generalise – are CRAP! They're the human race's only failed gender! Who needs them? And why are they so difficult to keep hold of? Do you think they realise that, were it not for the genetic imperative to populate the earth, they wouldn't get a date? That's one hell of an inducement! "No pressure, girls, but shag one of these or it's curtains for all humankind!" That's harrassment! But you know what? Do you know what's even more crap than men? WE are more crap than men! All those stupid books you guys had and... and these magazines! A hundred pages of "Men are useless bastards" and an article on why you should wake them up with a blow job! Am I alone on spotting the inconsistency here? And these places [beauty parlours] 'cause, for God's sake, don't let them see what we really look like! Just let them enjoy the results; don't let them see how it all happens.
Jane: You know... I went out with Steve for six years...
Susan: No, you didn't. You went out with him for four years. I checked.
Jane: Oh... well it seemed longer.
Susan: Yeah! Yeah! Of course it seemed longer. I, myself, have been going out with him since the 12th century. Or possibly since last week; it's hard to keep track. Because how are you supposed to measure time with the man that you want to spend the rest of your life with? What would make sense? Centuries? Nanoseconds?
Sally: Eggs.
Jane: You know... I went out with Steve for six years...
Susan: No, you didn't. You went out with him for four years. I checked.
Jane: Oh... well it seemed longer.
Susan: Yeah! Yeah! Of course it seemed longer. I, myself, have been going out with him since the 12th century. Or possibly since last week; it's hard to keep track. Because how are you supposed to measure time with the man that you want to spend the rest of your life with? What would make sense? Centuries? Nanoseconds?
Sally: Eggs.
TV Show: Coupling
Jeff: Do you know what arses are, Patrick? Arses are the human race's favourite thing. We like them on each other, we like them on magazine covers, we even like them on babies! When it itches, we like to scratch them, when its cold, we like to warm them, and who among us, in a lonely moment hasn't reached back for a discreet fondle? When God gave us our arses he had to stick them round the back just so we wouldn't sit and stare at them all day. Cause when God made the arse he didn't say "Hey it's just your basic hinge, let's knock off early." He said "Behold ye angels, I have created the arse. Throughout the ages to come, men and women shall grab hold of these and shout my name!"
TV Show: Coupling
Steve: It is not scientifically possible for a man to know what a woman wants. And that's not fair! Because you always know what we want.
Patrick: Yeah, because we always have the decency to only want one thing.
Steve: And do you ever thank us for making it so simple?
Patrick: Never.
Patrick: Yeah, because we always have the decency to only want one thing.
Steve: And do you ever thank us for making it so simple?
Patrick: Never.
TV Show: Coupling
Patrick: [on the phone to Jeff] We have our advisors online.
Steve: [pointing at Susan and Sally] That's you two.
Susan: This is ridiculous! Why does he need us to translate for him? Women aren't a completely different species, you know.
Patrick: [on the phone] Jeff, women AREN'T a completely different species.
Steve: He just needs to find out if it's a friendly drink or a date drink. He'll do friendly but he won't do date.
Sally: Why doesn't he know already?
Steve: Because he is Jeff, and there's no known cure.
Steve: [pointing at Susan and Sally] That's you two.
Susan: This is ridiculous! Why does he need us to translate for him? Women aren't a completely different species, you know.
Patrick: [on the phone] Jeff, women AREN'T a completely different species.
Steve: He just needs to find out if it's a friendly drink or a date drink. He'll do friendly but he won't do date.
Sally: Why doesn't he know already?
Steve: Because he is Jeff, and there's no known cure.
TV Show: Coupling
Susan: Need any help translating THAT one?
Sally: These are my ovaries
Susan: Please come inside.
Patrick: [on the phone to Jeff] Careful, Jeff, she's packin' ovaries!
Sally: These are my ovaries
Susan: Please come inside.
Patrick: [on the phone to Jeff] Careful, Jeff, she's packin' ovaries!
TV Show: Coupling
Jeff: I have a girlfriend!
Wilma: So you keep saying, so why are you here?
Jeff: Well, I-I-I just...
Wilma: She really does exist, this girlfriend?
Jeff: Oh, oh yeah she exists. She's very much an existing person, she's got tons of existence. [beat] Well not too much existence, I don't mean she's huge or anything. She's somewhere between completely imaginary and a truck. If you can picture that.
Wilma: So you keep saying, so why are you here?
Jeff: Well, I-I-I just...
Wilma: She really does exist, this girlfriend?
Jeff: Oh, oh yeah she exists. She's very much an existing person, she's got tons of existence. [beat] Well not too much existence, I don't mean she's huge or anything. She's somewhere between completely imaginary and a truck. If you can picture that.
TV Show: Coupling
Susan: I'd like to think that the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with has a better reason for staying faithful than, "It might be a trick."
Steve: Well, it wasn't the only thing! It was just like the... deterrent.
Susan: The deterrent?
Steve: Well, yeah. You know, like nuclear weaponry. I mean, nobody likes it, but it can help to keep the peace.
Susan: Steve, you've just compared our relationship to the Cold War.
Steve: Which, may I remind you, really lasted.
Susan: So the nature of the bond between us is, in fact, the threat of mutually assured destruction?
Steve: Oh, among many other things.
Steve: Well, it wasn't the only thing! It was just like the... deterrent.
Susan: The deterrent?
Steve: Well, yeah. You know, like nuclear weaponry. I mean, nobody likes it, but it can help to keep the peace.
Susan: Steve, you've just compared our relationship to the Cold War.
Steve: Which, may I remind you, really lasted.
Susan: So the nature of the bond between us is, in fact, the threat of mutually assured destruction?
Steve: Oh, among many other things.
TV Show: Coupling