BASEketball Quotes

Bob Costas: And joining us in the booth this evening, big fan of BASEketball, Tony Nocholino, who plays, as you know, Latino cut-up Scooter on the new hit comedy series What's the Difference? airing between Recycled Junk starring Lisa Campbell and Same Old Crap featuring teen heartthrob Mark Swenson, all part of the great fall lineup on our network's Who gives a rat's ass? Thursdays.

Movie: BASEketball
Dan Patrick: With the first nine months of the Baseketball postseason out of the way, the playoff picture is starting to emerge.
Kenny Mayne: So, with last night's victory over Boston, next week the Milwaukee Beers must beat Indianapolis in order to advance to Charlotte. That's in an effort to reduce their magic number to three.
Dan Patrick: Right, and then the Beers can advance to the National Eastern Division North to play Tampa.
Kenny Mayne: So, if the Beers beat Detroit and Denver beats Atlanta in the American Southwestern Division East Northern, then Milwaukee goes to the Denslow Cup, unless Baltimore can upset Buffalo and Charlotte ties Toronto, then Oakland would play LA and Pittsburgh in a blind choice round robin. And if no clear winner emerges from all of this, a two-man sack race will be held on consecutive Sundays until a champion can be crowned.

Movie: BASEketball
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: He's flat-lining!
Joseph R. Cooper: Quick, where are those little heart paddles? The ones George Clooney uses!
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: No! Not those!
Joseph R. Cooper: Clear!
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Clear! [Takes Joey's pulse]
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: No pulse!
Joseph R. Cooper: Turn up the power! 10,000 volts!
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: 10,000 volts!
Joseph R. Cooper: Clear!
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Clear! [Speak fails to clear, gets electrocuted]
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude, it's not working!
Joseph R. Cooper: Turn it up! 15,000 volts!
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: 15,000 volts!
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: [ears smoking] No... [Speak is thrown back from the shock]
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude, do you even know what you're doing?
Joseph R. Cooper: What does it look like?
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: An execution?
Joseph R. Cooper: I love ya, always have! Heh.
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Heh.
Joseph R. Cooper: Clear!

Movie: BASEketball
Joseph R. Cooper: [Squeak is trying to shut off their gas] Shoot for it. Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Shoot for it? What are you, insane? This is my job, you assholes!
Joseph R. Cooper: Look, it's a good deal. All you gotta do is make a single from right here, and you can shut off our gas and we'll never call you "Squeak" again. Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Or bitch. Joseph R. Cooper, Douglas "Swish" Reemer: [Coop and Reemer exchange looks] Or bitch. [together] Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: [Squeak lines up, ready to shoot] All right. Check this shit out.
Joseph R. Cooper: [psyche-out] Steve Perry. Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Huh? [shoots and misses, ball bounces off roof and hits dog] Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Tough break, Squeak.
Joseph R. Cooper: Yeah, now you gotta fetch the ball, bitch. [agitated dog growls, and rocks gate vigorously]

Movie: BASEketball
Joseph R. Cooper: No, it's not like horse.

Movie: BASEketball
Joseph R. Cooper: What is something you really want?
Joey: Chelsea Clinton.
Joseph R. Cooper: That's a tough order, dude.
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: You'd have a better shot at Bill.

Movie: BASEketball