Bad Moms Quotes

Dr. Karl: Okay, remember when I said that all marriages are savable? Well, it ain't gonna happen for you guys.
Amy: So what do you think we should do?
Dr. Karl: Well, as a therapist, I'm not allowed to tell you what do to. But, uh, as a human being with two fucking eyes in my head, yeah I think you should get divorced as soon as possible. This is some catastrophic shit.

Movie: Bad Moms
Gwendolyn: I'm pretty sure my brother-in-law just joined ISIS and he's a Jew.

Movie: Bad Moms
Dylan: Hey so, where's my science project?
Amy: Oh, I didn't do it.
Dylan: What? But it's due today!
Amy: Yeah. I know, I know. I'm so sorry, but you're going to actually have to start doing your own homework from now on.
Dylan: I am a slow learner, remember?
Amy: You're not a slow learner, you're just entitled... do you know what 'entitled' means?
Dylan: No. Because I'm a slow learner.
Amy: It means that mummy and daddy have been spoiling you, and now you think that the world owes you something, but it doesn't. And if you don't learn how to work hard now, then you're going to just grow up to be like another entitled little white dude who thinks he's awesome for no reason. And then you'll start a Ska Band and it'll be awful and you'll be mean to girls, and you'll grow this ironic moustache to look interesting but you won't actually be interesting, and I'm not okay with that so would you please, please just do your own homework?

Movie: Bad Moms
Carla: First of all, you're so not a failure as a mother. In fact, you're the best mother that we've ever seen.
Kiki: True that!
Carla: You give your kids salad. Your remember your kids birthdays! I mean, I've sat here and watched you wait until your kid fell asleep before you got high.
Amy: Most moms do that, Carla.

Movie: Bad Moms
Kiki: Sometimes when I'm driving all by myself, I have this fantasy that I get into a car crash. Not a big one with fire and explosions, but just like a little one, but I do get injured and I get to go to the hospital for two weeks and I sleep all day and I eat Jell-O and I watch so much TV and it's all covered by my insurance. My kids bring me balloons, and the nurses rub cream on my feet, and oh, my God, it's so amazing. Is that like something you guys fantasize about, too?
Amy: No.
Carla: You're batshit crazy.
Amy: Yeah.
Carla: And I'm never gonna get into a car with you.

Movie: Bad Moms
Carla: [to Kiki]Oh, hey, I know you. You're that chick that always picks up my kid from school when I forget-slash-don't want to.

Movie: Bad Moms
Kiki: Do you go to all of his games?
Carla: No. No, I don't. The last game I went to was six hours long and the final score was one to two. So, I'd rather go to Afghanistan than another kids' baseball game.

Movie: Bad Moms
Amy: [after catching Mike with his pants down in front of the PC]Oh, my God, are you...?
Mike: No, no, no, I was just checking my prostate.
Amy: You know, I've always wondered what kind of porn you like.
Mike: Why won't this fucking window close?
Amy: [Sees Sharon naked on the screen]Oh, my God, that's a giant bush!
Sharon: Uh, who the hell are you?
Amy: I'm his wife.
Sharon: Oh, shit.

Movie: Bad Moms
Amy: This party is raging.
Kiki: What a turnout.
Martha Stewart: Hi, would you ladies like a Jell-O shot?
Amy: Is that, is that? Martha Stewart! Martha, Oh, my God.
Kiki: Thank you. Oh, my God.
Martha Stewart: Good, right?
Carla: I'm cumming.
Kiki: Oh, my God. What's in this?
Martha Stewart: Well, it's bespoke lingonberry gelatin... and a shitload of vodka.
Kiki: They're delicious!
Martha Stewart: I start my day with six of these.

Movie: Bad Moms
Principal Burr: I found marijuana cigarettes in your daughter's locker. Now, it looks like Sour Diesel or a little Afghan Kush.
Amy: That's impossible; she's only twelve!
Principal Burr: It happens. Snoop's been smoking since he was five.

Movie: Bad Moms
Kiki: Kent is a never-hard.
Amy: Ooh, what's a never-hard?
Kiki: Well, he never gets fully hard. So I just have to kinda fold his penis up like a balloon animal and shove it up in my vagina.
Carla: That sounds horrible!
Amy: Yeah...
Kiki: Sometimes, I take the balls and shove em up there too because at least, you know, they're firm.
Carla: Honey, that is a lot of shit to shove up your cooter.
Kiki: I mean, I'm just happy he's circumcised.
Amy: Agh! What if I get somebody who's not circumcised?
Kiki: Run out of the room screaming. It's like finding a gun in the street; just scream and get out of there!

Movie: Bad Moms
[Carla explained uncut cock to Amy using Kiki's sweatshirt as model] Kiki: I'm not gonna wear this sweatshirt ever again.

Movie: Bad Moms
Jane: How do you know?
Amy: Because I'm your mom. I know what you're made of.

Movie: Bad Moms
Gwendolyn: [about Kiki]Oh my gosh, she just got her sadness all over me.

Movie: Bad Moms
Carla: So get up off this couch, turn off 12 Years a Slave, and let's bodyslam this bitch.
Kiki: Come on, Amy.
Carla: Come on. Get those tits up.
Kiki: Get 'em up.
Carla: Get 'em up.
Kiki: Get your boobs up.
Carla: Get those tits right up.

Movie: Bad Moms
Stacy: You know what, I think I'd let him put it in my butt. I'm not really into the butt thing but I would let him go to town back there.
Vicky: I'm with you.

Movie: Bad Moms
Carla: My kid still watches Sesame Street and he doesn't get it.

Movie: Bad Moms
Carla: Hey, Jaxon. I made you lunch today. It's some humus wrap with some kale.
Jaxon: Gross!
Carla: Yeah, I know, it sounds totally disgusting, but it's supposed to be good for you, so... And I'm gonna come to your baseball game tomorrow night.
Jaxon: For real?
Carla: I'm gonna stay the whole stupid game. Mmm-hmm. Because... I love you, and stuff. Still cannot believe I pushed that thing outta my chooch.

Movie: Bad Moms
Kiki: Oh, wow. This bra will be the death of your vagina!

Movie: Bad Moms
Kiki: Quitting is for dads!

Movie: Bad Moms
Gwendolyn: That bitch is playing a dangerous game...

Movie: Bad Moms