Ralphie as Adult: My father's spare tires were only tires on the academic sense. They were round,and had once been made of rubber.

Movie / TV: A Christmas Story
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Ralphie as Adult: I slowly began to realize that i was not going to be destroyed.

Movie / TV: A Christmas Story
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Mother: Ralphie, you're lucky it didn't cut your eye! Those icicles have been known to kill people.

Movie / TV: A Christmas Story
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Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] There has never been a kid who didn't believe vaguely but insistently that he would be stricken blind before he reached 21, and then they'd be sorry.

Movie / TV: A Christmas Story
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Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Next to me in the blackness lay my oiled blue steel beauty. The greatest Christmas gift I had ever received, or would ever receive. Gradually, I drifted off to sleep, pranging ducks on the wing and getting off spectacular hip shots.

Movie / TV: A Christmas Story
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Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Oh, life is like that. Sometimes, at the height of our revelries, when our joy is at it's zenith, when all is most right with the world, the most unthinkable disasters decend upon us.

Movie / TV: A Christmas Story
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Mr. Parker: [after Mother "accidentally" breaks the Old Man's leg lamp] Don't you touch that! You were always jealous of this lamp.
Mother: Jealous of a plastic...
Mr. Parker: Jealous! Jealous because I WON.
Mother: That's ridiculous. Jealous. Jealous of WHAT? That is... the ugliest lamp I have ever seen in my entire LIFE!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Now it was out.

Movie / TV: A Christmas Story
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Ralphie as Adult: [narrating, after Mother breaks the Old Man's Major Award, and he is unsuccessful at repairing it] With as much dignity as he could muster, the Old Man gathered up the sad remains of his shattered major award. Later that night, alone in the backyard, he buried it next to the garage. Now I could never be sure, but I thought that I heard the sound of "Taps" being played, gently.

Movie / TV: A Christmas Story
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Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] The snap of a few sparks, a quick whiff of ozone, and the lamp blazed forth in unparalleled glory.
Mr. Parker: Oh, look at that! Will you look at that? Isn't that glorious? It's... it's... it's indescribably beautiful! It reminds me of the Fourth of July!

Movie / TV: A Christmas Story
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Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] My father worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium, a master.

Movie / TV: A Christmas Story
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Miss Shields: Where's Flick? Has anyone seen Flick?
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating as Ralphie feigns ignorance] Flick? Flick who?

Movie / TV: A Christmas Story
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Mother: Randy? What's wrong? Whatcha cryin' for?
Randy: Daddy's gonna kill Ralphie!
Mother: No he's not...
Randy: Yes he is!
Mother: No, I promise, Daddy is not going to kill Ralphie!

Movie / TV: A Christmas Story
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Mr. Parker: A can of Simonize!

Movie / TV: A Christmas Story
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Schwartz: Hey, smart ass. I asked my old man about sticking your tongue to a flagpole in the winter, and he says that it'll freeze right to the pole, just like I told ya.
Flick: Ah, baloney. What would your old man know about anything?
Schwartz: He knows, because he once saw a guy stick his tongue to a railroad track on a bet, and the fire department had to come get the guy's tongue off the track, because he couldn't get it off.
Randy: [is trying to catch up] C'mon, guys! Wait up! C'mon, guys! Wait up!

Movie / TV: A Christmas Story
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Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] The line waiting to see Santa Claus stretched all the way back to Terre Haute. And I was at the end of it.

Movie / TV: A Christmas Story
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Flick: Are you kidding? Stick my tongue to that stupid pole? That's dumb!
Schwartz: That's 'cause you know it'll stick!
Flick: You're full of it!
Schwartz: Oh yeah?
Flick: Yeah!
Schwartz: Well I double-DOG-dare ya!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] NOW it was serious. A double-dog-dare. What else was there but a "triple dare you"? And then, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple-dog-dare.
Schwartz: I TRIPLE-dog-dare ya!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Schwartz created a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the triple dare and going right for the throat!

Movie / TV: A Christmas Story
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Ralphie: Scut Farkus!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Scut Farkus! What a rotten name! We were trapped. There he stood, between us and the alley. Scut Farkus staring out at us with his yellow eyes. He had yellow eyes! So, help me, God! Yellow eyes!

Movie / TV: A Christmas Story
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Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Grover Dill! Farkus's crummy little toadie. Mean! Rotten! His lips curled over his green teeth.

Movie / TV: A Christmas Story
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Goggles: I like The Wizard of Oz. I like the Tin Man.

Movie / TV: A Christmas Story
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Randy: I can't put my arms down!
Mother: Well... put your arms down when you get to school.

Movie / TV: A Christmas Story
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Mr. Parker: He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny.
Mother: He does not!
Mr. Parker: He does too, he looks like a pink nightmare!

Movie / TV: A Christmas Story
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Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Over the years I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. My personal preference was for Lux, but I found Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor - heady, but with just a touch of mellow smoothness. Life Buoy, on the other hand...
Ralphie: YECCHH!

Movie / TV: A Christmas Story
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Mr. Parker: Fra-gee-lay. That must be Italian.
Mrs. Parker: Uh, I think that says FRAGILE, dear.
Mr. Parker: Oh, yeah.

Movie / TV: A Christmas Story
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Ralphie: [Reading it] Be sure to drink your Ovaltine. Ovaltine? A crummy commercial? Son of a bitch!

Movie / TV: A Christmas Story
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Mr. Parker: It's a Major Award!
Swede: Shucks, I wouldn't know that. It looks like a lamp.
Mr. Parker: What is a lamp, you nincompoop? It's a Major Award. I won it!
Swede: Damn, hell, you say won it?
Mr. Parker: Yeah, mind power, Swede; mind power.

Movie / TV: A Christmas Story
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Narrator: Aunt Clara had for years labored under the delusion that I was not only perpetually 4 years old, but also a girl.

Movie / TV: A Christmas Story
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Ralphie: Oooh fuuudge!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Only I didn't say "Fudge." I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!
Mr. Parker: [stunned] *What* did you say?
Ralphie: Uh, um...
Mr. Parker: That's... what I thought you said. Get in the car. Go on!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] It was all over - I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.

Movie / TV: A Christmas Story
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Ralphie: I want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle!
Mrs. Parker: No, you'll shoot your eye out.

Movie / TV: A Christmas Story
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Ralphie as Adult: [narrating, after BB gun shot bounces off target and hits his face] Oh my god, I shot my eye out!

Movie / TV: A Christmas Story
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Santa Claus: How about a nice football?
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Football? Football? What's a football? With unconscious will my voice squeaked out 'football'.
Santa Claus: Okay, get him out of here.
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] A football? Oh no, what was I doing? Wake up, Stupid! Wake up!
Ralphie: [Ralphie is shoved down the slide, but he stops himself and climbs back up] No! No! I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!
Santa Claus: You'll shoot your eye out, kid.

Movie / TV: A Christmas Story
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Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Only one thing in the world could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window.

Movie / TV: A Christmas Story
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Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] My little brother had not eaten voluntarily in over three years.

Movie / TV: A Christmas Story
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Mr. Parker: What is the name of the Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?
Mother: Ah... Victor! His name is Victor.
Mr. Parker: How the hell did you know that?
Mother: Everybody knows that!

Movie / TV: A Christmas Story
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Ralphie as Adult: I slowly began to realize that i was not going to be destroyed.

Movie / TV: A Christmas Story
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Ralphie as Adult: [narrating about diving with his brother into the gifts under the Christmas tree] We plunged into the cornucopia quivering with desire and the ecstasy of unbridled avarice.
Mr. Parker: Didn't I get a tie this year?

Movie / TV: A Christmas Story
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Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] The line waiting to see Santa Claus stretched all the way back to Terre Haute. And I was at the end of it.

Movie / TV: A Christmas Story
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Olivia: If John doesn't get home soon with money, all we'll have for Christmas dinner is my applesauce cake. We won't even have that if I don't get a move on.

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Olivia: What were you doing up there?
John-Boy: Nothing, Mama.
Olivia: Then what's the door locked for?
John-Boy: I reckon it just got locked.
Olivia: A door don't get locked all by itself. Now what were you doing up there behind locked doors?
John-Boy: Sometimes I like a little privacy, Mama.

Movie / TV: The Homecoming - A Christmas Story
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Narrator: Aunt Clara had for years labored under the delusion that I was not only perpetually 4 years old, but also a girl.

Movie / TV: A Christmas Story
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Mother: Is this another one of your silly puzzles?
Mr. Parker: Yeah, another one of my silly puzzles. This one could be worth FIFTY THOUSAND BUCKS.
Mother: What is it this time?
Mr. Parker: Name the great characters in American literature.
Mr. Parker: Victor? The Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?

Movie / TV: A Christmas Story
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Charlie Sneed: Ike, you got any Christmas cheer in this place?
Ike Godsey: I got a little of Miss Emily and Miss Maime's recipe for snake bite.
Charlie Sneed: [Pretend a snake bit him] Hot doggies! I believe he got me just now. Looky there.

Movie / TV: The Homecoming - A Christmas Story
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Ben: John Boy, did you go crazy when you were 13.
John-Boy: I didn't have time. I was so busy taking care of YOU CHILDREN!

Movie / TV: The Homecoming - A Christmas Story
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Randy: Daddy's gonna kill Ralphie!

Movie / TV: A Christmas Story
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Ralphie: Oooh fuuudge!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Only I didn't say "fudge." I said THE word, the big one, the Queen-Mother Of Dirty Words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!
Mr. Parker: [stunned] WHAT did you say?
Ralphie: Uh, um...
Mr. Parker: That's... what I thought you said. Get in the car. Go on!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] It was all over - I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.

Movie / TV: A Christmas Story
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