Yes Minister Quotes
Sir Humphrey: I wonder if I might crave your momentary indulgence in order to discharge a by-no-means disagreeable obligation which has, over the years, become more or less established practice within government circles as we approach the terminal period of the calendar year, of course, not financial. In fact, not to put too fine a point on it, Week Fifty-One and submit to you, with all appropriate deference, for your consideration at a convenient juncture, a sincere and sanguine expectation -- indeed confidence, indeed one might go so far as to say hope -- that the aforementioned period may be, at the end of the day, when all relevant factors have been taken into consideration, susceptible to being deemed to be such as to merit a final verdict of having been by no means unsatisfactory in its overall outcome and, in the final analysis, to give grounds for being judged, on mature reflection, to have been conducive to generating a degree of gratification which will be seen in retrospect to have been significantly higher than the general average.
Hacker: Are you trying to say 'Happy Christmas,' Humphrey?
Sir Humphrey: Yes, Minister.
Hacker: Are you trying to say 'Happy Christmas,' Humphrey?
Sir Humphrey: Yes, Minister.
TV Show: Yes, Minister
Sir Humphrey: The relationship which I might tentatively venture to aver has been not without some degree of reciprocal utility and perhaps even occasional gratification, is emerging a point of irreversible bifurcation and, to be brief, is in the propinquity of its ultimate regrettable termination.
TV Show: Yes, Minister
Sir Humphrey: Open government, Prime Minister. Freedom of information. We should always tell the press freely and frankly anything that they could easily find out some other way.
TV Show: Yes, Minister
Sir Humphrey: With Trident we could obliterate the whole of Eastern Europe.
Jim Hacker: I don't want to obliterate the whole of Eastern Europe.
Sir Humphrey: It's a deterrent.
Jim Hacker: It's a bluff. I probably wouldn't use it.
Sir Humphrey: Yes, but they don't know that you probably wouldn't.
Jim Hacker: They probably do.
Sir Humphrey: Yes, they probably know that you probably wouldn't. But they can't certainly know.
Jim Hacker: They probably certainly know that I probably wouldn't.
Sir Humphrey: Yes, but even though they probably certainly know that you probably wouldn't, they can't certainly know that although you probably wouldn't, there is no probability that you certainly would!
Jim Hacker: I don't want to obliterate the whole of Eastern Europe.
Sir Humphrey: It's a deterrent.
Jim Hacker: It's a bluff. I probably wouldn't use it.
Sir Humphrey: Yes, but they don't know that you probably wouldn't.
Jim Hacker: They probably do.
Sir Humphrey: Yes, they probably know that you probably wouldn't. But they can't certainly know.
Jim Hacker: They probably certainly know that I probably wouldn't.
Sir Humphrey: Yes, but even though they probably certainly know that you probably wouldn't, they can't certainly know that although you probably wouldn't, there is no probability that you certainly would!
TV Show: Yes, Minister
Sir Humphrey: Bernard, what is the purpose of our defence policy?
Bernard: To defend Britain.
Sir Humphrey: No, Bernard. It is to make people believe Britain is defended.
Bernard: The Russians?
Sir Humphrey: Not the Russians, the British! The Russians know it's not.
Bernard: To defend Britain.
Sir Humphrey: No, Bernard. It is to make people believe Britain is defended.
Bernard: The Russians?
Sir Humphrey: Not the Russians, the British! The Russians know it's not.
TV Show: Yes, Minister
Godfrey: Will you be wearing those glasses?
Hacker: Oh, well, what do you think?
Godfrey: Well, it's up to you, obviously. With them on, you look authoritative and commanding; with them off, you look honest and open. Which do you want?
Hacker: Well, really, I want to look authoritative and honest.
Godfrey: It's one or the other, really.
Hacker: What about starting with them off, and then just putting them on when I talk?
Godfrey: That just looks indecisive.
Hacker: I see.
Bernard: What about a monocle?
Hacker: Oh, well, what do you think?
Godfrey: Well, it's up to you, obviously. With them on, you look authoritative and commanding; with them off, you look honest and open. Which do you want?
Hacker: Well, really, I want to look authoritative and honest.
Godfrey: It's one or the other, really.
Hacker: What about starting with them off, and then just putting them on when I talk?
Godfrey: That just looks indecisive.
Hacker: I see.
Bernard: What about a monocle?
TV Show: Yes, Minister
Permanent Secretary for Health: It would be different if the Government were a team, but in fact they're a loose confederation of warring tribes.
TV Show: Yes, Minister
Hacker: The statistics are irrefutable...
Humphrey: Statistics? You can prove anything with statistics.
Hacker: Even the truth.
Humphrey: Yes... No!
Humphrey: Statistics? You can prove anything with statistics.
Hacker: Even the truth.
Humphrey: Yes... No!
TV Show: Yes, Minister
Humphrey: Notwithstanding the fact that your proposal could conceivably encompass certain concomitant benefits of a marginal and peripheral relevance, there is a countervailing consideration of infinitely superior magnitude involving your personal complicity and corroborative malfeasance, with a consequence that the taint and stigma of your former associations and diversions could irredeemably and irretrievably invalidate your position and culminate in public revelations and recriminations of a profoundly embarrassing and ultimately indefensible character.
Hacker: Perhaps I can have a précis of that?
Hacker: Perhaps I can have a précis of that?
TV Show: Yes, Minister
Bernard: Well, I believe it's the Prime Minister's decision who comes into his house. After all, I don't give my mother-in-law the key to my house.
Sir Humphrey: [furiously] I am not the Prime Minister's mother-in-law, Bernard!
Sir Humphrey: [furiously] I am not the Prime Minister's mother-in-law, Bernard!
TV Show: Yes, Minister
Sir Humphrey: Prime Minister, I must protest in the strongest possible terms my profound opposition to the newly instituted practice which imposes severe and intolerable restrictions on the ingress and egress of senior members of the hierarchy and will, in all probability, should the current deplorable innovation be perpetuated, precipitate a progressive constriction of the channels of communication, culminating in a condition of organisational atrophy and administrative paralysis, which will render effectively impossible the coherent and co-ordinated discharge of the function of government within Her Majesty's United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland!
Hacker: You mean you've lost your key?
Hacker: You mean you've lost your key?
TV Show: Yes, Minister
[Hacker has just had a stormy cabinet meeting over a sudden financial crisis.]
Hacker: Bernard, Humphrey should have seen this coming and warned me.
Bernard: I don't think Sir Humphrey understands economics, Prime Minister; he did read Classics, you know.
Hacker: What about Sir Frank? He's head of the Treasury!
Bernard: Well I'm afraid he's at an even greater disadvantage in understanding economics: he's an economist.
Hacker: Bernard, Humphrey should have seen this coming and warned me.
Bernard: I don't think Sir Humphrey understands economics, Prime Minister; he did read Classics, you know.
Hacker: What about Sir Frank? He's head of the Treasury!
Bernard: Well I'm afraid he's at an even greater disadvantage in understanding economics: he's an economist.
TV Show: Yes, Minister
Sir Humphrey: Real reductions in the size of the Service?! It'd be the end of civilisation as we know it!
TV Show: Yes, Minister
[Bernard is trying to tell Sir Humphrey about a confidential conversation.]
Sir Humphrey: You're speaking in riddles, Bernard.
Bernard: Oh, thank you, Sir Humphrey.
Sir Humphrey: That was not a compliment, Bernard!
Sir Humphrey: You're speaking in riddles, Bernard.
Bernard: Oh, thank you, Sir Humphrey.
Sir Humphrey: That was not a compliment, Bernard!
TV Show: Yes, Minister
[Hacker is discussing Humphrey's two responsibilities.]
Sir Humphrey: It's so difficult for me, you see, as I'm wearing two hats.
Hacker: Yes, isn't that rather awkward for you?
Sir Humphrey: Not if one is in two minds.
Bernard: Or has two faces.
Sir Humphrey: It's so difficult for me, you see, as I'm wearing two hats.
Hacker: Yes, isn't that rather awkward for you?
Sir Humphrey: Not if one is in two minds.
Bernard: Or has two faces.
TV Show: Yes, Minister
Hacker: I gather we're planning to vote against Israel in the UN tonight.
Foreign Secretary: Of course.
Hacker: Why?
Foreign Secretary: They bombed the PLO.
Hacker: But the PLO bombed Israel!
Foreign Secretary: Yes but the Israelis dropped more bombs than the PLO did!
Foreign Secretary: Of course.
Hacker: Why?
Foreign Secretary: They bombed the PLO.
Hacker: But the PLO bombed Israel!
Foreign Secretary: Yes but the Israelis dropped more bombs than the PLO did!
TV Show: Yes, Minister
[Bernard pulls the Prime Minister away from Luke for a private conversation.]
Hacker: You just said that the foreign office was keeping something from me! How do you know if you don't know?
Bernard: I don't know specifically what, Prime Minister, but I do know that the Foreign Office always keep everything from everybody. It's normal practice.
Hacker: Who does know?
Bernard: May I just clarify the question? You are asking who would know what it is that I don't know and you don't know but the Foreign Office know that they know that they are keeping from you so that you don't know but they do know and all we know there is something we don't know and we want to know but we don't know what because we don't know! Is that it?
Hacker: May I clarify the question: Who knows Foreign Office secrets, apart from the Foreign Office?
Bernard: Oh, that's easy: only the Kremlin.
Hacker: You just said that the foreign office was keeping something from me! How do you know if you don't know?
Bernard: I don't know specifically what, Prime Minister, but I do know that the Foreign Office always keep everything from everybody. It's normal practice.
Hacker: Who does know?
Bernard: May I just clarify the question? You are asking who would know what it is that I don't know and you don't know but the Foreign Office know that they know that they are keeping from you so that you don't know but they do know and all we know there is something we don't know and we want to know but we don't know what because we don't know! Is that it?
Hacker: May I clarify the question: Who knows Foreign Office secrets, apart from the Foreign Office?
Bernard: Oh, that's easy: only the Kremlin.
TV Show: Yes, Minister
[Hacker has just requested a good will visit to St George's Island.]
Hacker: Seemed to think 800 fully armed paratroopers was an awful lot to send on a good will visit.
Israeli Ambassador: No... it is just an awful lot of good will!
Hacker: Seemed to think 800 fully armed paratroopers was an awful lot to send on a good will visit.
Israeli Ambassador: No... it is just an awful lot of good will!
TV Show: Yes, Minister
Hacker: Oh, this is nice. The Americans are delighted by our little visit to St. George's Island. That's good, isn't it?
Sir Humphrey: [resigned] Excellent...
Hacker: They say they have got a whole airborne division ready if we want reinforcements.
Sir Humphrey: [sharply] Reinforcements of what?
Hacker: Reinforcements of goodwill, Humphrey!
Sir Humphrey: [resigned] Excellent...
Hacker: They say they have got a whole airborne division ready if we want reinforcements.
Sir Humphrey: [sharply] Reinforcements of what?
Hacker: Reinforcements of goodwill, Humphrey!
TV Show: Yes, Minister
Peter Harding: Soames has been waiting for a bishopric for years.
Sir Humphrey: Long time, no see.
Sir Humphrey: Long time, no see.
TV Show: Yes, Minister
Bernard: It's one of those irregular verbs, isn't it: I have an independent mind; you are an eccentric; he is round the twist.
TV Show: Yes, Minister
[Sir Humphrey is suspected of having once been a Russian spy.]
Sir Humphrey: So what do you think I should do, Arnold?
Sir Arnold Robinson: [calmly pours his coffee] Hmm, difficult. Depends a bit on whether you actually were spying or not. [notices Sir Humphrey's horrified expression] One must keep an open mind.
Sir Humphrey: But I couldn't have been! I wasn't atCambridge!
Sir Humphrey: So what do you think I should do, Arnold?
Sir Arnold Robinson: [calmly pours his coffee] Hmm, difficult. Depends a bit on whether you actually were spying or not. [notices Sir Humphrey's horrified expression] One must keep an open mind.
Sir Humphrey: But I couldn't have been! I wasn't atCambridge!
TV Show: Yes, Minister
Sir Arnold: If once they accepted the principle that senior Civil Servants could be removed for incompetence, that would be the thin end of the wedge. We could lose dozens of our chaps. Hundreds, perhaps.
Sir Humphrey: Thousands.
Sir Humphrey: Thousands.
TV Show: Yes, Minister
Sir Humphrey: It is characteristic of all committee discussions and decisions that every member has a vivid recollection of them and that every member’s recollection of them differs violently from every other member’s recollection. Consequently, we accept the convention that the official decisions are those and only those which have been officially recorded in the minutes by the officials, from which it emerges with an elegant inevitability that any decision which has been officially reached will have been officially recorded in the minutes by the officials and any decision which is not recorded in the minutes has not been officially reached even if one or more members believe they can recollect it, so in this particular case, if the decision had been officially reached it would have been officially recorded in the minutes by the officials, and it isn’t so it wasn’t.
TV Show: Yes, Minister
Bernard: That's another of those irregular verbs, isn't it? I give confidential press briefings; you leak; he's being charged under section 2A of the Official Secrets Act.
TV Show: Yes, Minister
[Lunch with a newspaper editor]
Hacker: So I want you to retract that suppression story.
Derek Burnham: I don't see how I can.
Hacker: Well, of course you can! You're the editor, aren't you?
Burnham: Yes, but an editor isn't like a general commanding an army; he's just the ringmaster of a circus. I mean I can book the acts, but I can't tell the acrobats which way to jump!
Hacker: So I want you to retract that suppression story.
Derek Burnham: I don't see how I can.
Hacker: Well, of course you can! You're the editor, aren't you?
Burnham: Yes, but an editor isn't like a general commanding an army; he's just the ringmaster of a circus. I mean I can book the acts, but I can't tell the acrobats which way to jump!
TV Show: Yes, Minister
Sir Humphrey: What I want is irrelevant, Bernard, it's up to you - what do you want?
Bernard: I want to have a clear conscience.
Sir Humphrey: A clear conscience?
Bernard: Yes!
Sir Humphrey: I see. And when did you acquire this taste for luxuries?
Bernard: I want to have a clear conscience.
Sir Humphrey: A clear conscience?
Bernard: Yes!
Sir Humphrey: I see. And when did you acquire this taste for luxuries?
TV Show: Yes, Minister
Hacker: Don't we ever get our own way with the French?
Sir Humphrey: Well, sometimes.
Hacker: When was the last time?
Sir Humphrey: Battle of Waterloo, 1815.
Sir Humphrey: Well, sometimes.
Hacker: When was the last time?
Sir Humphrey: Battle of Waterloo, 1815.
TV Show: Yes, Minister
Bernard: [on the phone] Yes, we will want simultaneous translators. ... No, not when the PM meets the leaders of the English-speaking nations. ... Yes, the English-speaking nations can be said to include the United States. With a certain generosity of spirit.
TV Show: Yes, Minister