The IT Crowd Quotes
Douglas: I can't seem to get it open.
Roy: You want me to open it. that's why you called me all the way up here. To open your laptop?
Douglas: I would be beholden to you.
Roy: You want me to open it. that's why you called me all the way up here. To open your laptop?
Douglas: I would be beholden to you.
TV Show: The IT Crowd
Douglas: I don't think I've ever looked in this drawer... [opens the drawer and pulls out a revolver] Wow! A gun!
TV Show: The IT Crowd
Moss: Well, if someone called me a "big, ugly builder", I'd be furious - and not just because I'm actually an IT consultant. Revenge, that would be uppermost on my mind: "I'm going to wee on everything. I'm going to taint her abode. I'm going to strain my personal potatoes throughout her premises."
TV Show: The IT Crowd
Person 1: Did you see that ludicrous display last night?
Person 2: What was Wenger thinking sending Walcott on that early?
Person 1: The problem with Arsenal is that they always try to walk it in!
Person 2: What was Wenger thinking sending Walcott on that early?
Person 1: The problem with Arsenal is that they always try to walk it in!
TV Show: The IT Crowd
Moss: Just promise me we won't do anything else with them. I want to go back to being weird. I like being weird. Weird is all I've got. That and my sweet style.
TV Show: The IT Crowd
Interviewer: What does IT stand for?
Jen: What does it stand for? What doesn't it stand for?
Interviewer: Yes, yes, but what does it stand for?
Jen: It stands for, it stands for commitment. It stands for audacity. It stands for courage in the face of.
Interviewer: Yes, yes I can see what you're getting at, but the specific letters "IT", what do they stand for?
Jen: What do you think they stand for?
Interviewer: No, no, perhaps I'm not making myself clear. I'm not looking for an interpretation, I really don't know what the letters actually stand for. So, let's start with the I. What does the I stand for?
Jen: I... need... to [nervously laughs] wee wee.
Jen: What does it stand for? What doesn't it stand for?
Interviewer: Yes, yes, but what does it stand for?
Jen: It stands for, it stands for commitment. It stands for audacity. It stands for courage in the face of.
Interviewer: Yes, yes I can see what you're getting at, but the specific letters "IT", what do they stand for?
Jen: What do you think they stand for?
Interviewer: No, no, perhaps I'm not making myself clear. I'm not looking for an interpretation, I really don't know what the letters actually stand for. So, let's start with the I. What does the I stand for?
Jen: I... need... to [nervously laughs] wee wee.
TV Show: The IT Crowd
Douglas: You there, computer man. Fix my pants!
Moss: Beg your pardon?
Douglas: Pull down my trousers and do your job!
Moss: Beg your pardon?
Douglas: Pull down my trousers and do your job!
TV Show: The IT Crowd
[Jen looks at small black box equipped with a single red LED light in the middle of the top side. Moss stands next to her.]
Jen: What is it?
Moss: This, Jen, is the Internet.
Jen: What?
Moss: That's right.
Jen: This is the Internet? [Moss nods][suspiciously] the whole Internet?
Moss: Yep. I asked for a loan of it, so that you could use it in your speech.
Jen: It's so small...
Moss: That's one of the surprising things about it.
Jen: ...Hang on, it doesn't have any wires or anything...
Moss: [rolling his eyes] It's wireless!
Jen: Oh, yes, everything's wireless these days ,isnt it? So i can really use it in my speech? What if someone needs it?
Moss: Oh no, people will still be able to go online and everything; it'll still work.
Jen: Oh, good.
Moss: I tell you: you present this to the shareholders, and you'll get quite the response.
Jen: Can I touch it? [Moss nods; Jen picks the box up] Ooh, it's so light.
Moss: Of course it is, Jen! The internet doesn't weigh anything!
Jen: [laugh] No, no, of course it doesn't! [laugh]
[Roy enters the room]
Roy: (irritated) Hey! What is Jen doing with the Internet?
Jen: Moss said I could use it for my speech.
Roy: Are you insane? What if she drops it?
Jen: I won't drop it, I'll look after it!
Roy: No. No, no, no, no, Jen. [Takes the box back from Jen.] No, this needs to go straight back to Big Ben.
Jen: Big Ben?
Moss: Yep. It goes on top of Big Ben. That's where you get the best reception.
Jen: I promise I won't let anything happen to it.
Roy: No, Jen, I'm sorry. [Jen b
Jen: What is it?
Moss: This, Jen, is the Internet.
Jen: What?
Moss: That's right.
Jen: This is the Internet? [Moss nods][suspiciously] the whole Internet?
Moss: Yep. I asked for a loan of it, so that you could use it in your speech.
Jen: It's so small...
Moss: That's one of the surprising things about it.
Jen: ...Hang on, it doesn't have any wires or anything...
Moss: [rolling his eyes] It's wireless!
Jen: Oh, yes, everything's wireless these days ,isnt it? So i can really use it in my speech? What if someone needs it?
Moss: Oh no, people will still be able to go online and everything; it'll still work.
Jen: Oh, good.
Moss: I tell you: you present this to the shareholders, and you'll get quite the response.
Jen: Can I touch it? [Moss nods; Jen picks the box up] Ooh, it's so light.
Moss: Of course it is, Jen! The internet doesn't weigh anything!
Jen: [laugh] No, no, of course it doesn't! [laugh]
[Roy enters the room]
Roy: (irritated) Hey! What is Jen doing with the Internet?
Jen: Moss said I could use it for my speech.
Roy: Are you insane? What if she drops it?
Jen: I won't drop it, I'll look after it!
Roy: No. No, no, no, no, Jen. [Takes the box back from Jen.] No, this needs to go straight back to Big Ben.
Jen: Big Ben?
Moss: Yep. It goes on top of Big Ben. That's where you get the best reception.
Jen: I promise I won't let anything happen to it.
Roy: No, Jen, I'm sorry. [Jen b
TV Show: The IT Crowd
[During Jen's speech]
Shareholder: Is it heavy? [indicates the box]
Jen: [laughs] That's a bit of a silly question. The Internet doesn't weigh anything!
Indistinguishable shareholder: Fucking idiot!
Shareholder: Is it heavy? [indicates the box]
Jen: [laughs] That's a bit of a silly question. The Internet doesn't weigh anything!
Indistinguishable shareholder: Fucking idiot!
TV Show: The IT Crowd
Moss: My mum's on Friendface! My Mum! I've opened up another line of communication with her!
Roy: Isn't that a good thing?
Moss: She's set her "current mood" to "sensual"!
Roy: Why didn't you just not accept her friend request?
Moss: What are you, an animal?
Roy: Isn't that a good thing?
Moss: She's set her "current mood" to "sensual"!
Roy: Why didn't you just not accept her friend request?
Moss: What are you, an animal?
TV Show: The IT Crowd
Roy: Oh no, it's all coming back to me now. She used to slap [make-up] on with a trowel.
Jen: [applying more lipstick] Why don't women have the confidence to know that less is more?
Roy: Then, when she started crying, it all ran down her face. It was like breaking up with the Joker.
Jen: [applying more lipstick] Why don't women have the confidence to know that less is more?
Roy: Then, when she started crying, it all ran down her face. It was like breaking up with the Joker.
TV Show: The IT Crowd
Jen: Why are you doing this?
Roy: Same reason I do everything: to have sex with a lady.
Roy: Same reason I do everything: to have sex with a lady.
TV Show: The IT Crowd
[Moss talking about Mysterious Music]
Moss: Does this sound mysterious?
Jen: Yeah, yeah it's quite mysterious.
Moss: I was hoping for "ruddy mysterious".
Moss: Does this sound mysterious?
Jen: Yeah, yeah it's quite mysterious.
Moss: I was hoping for "ruddy mysterious".
TV Show: The IT Crowd
Jen: Mr Reynholm, I don't need to remind you of the report that denounced Reynholm Industries as an institutionally sexist organisation.
Mr. Reynholm: Now, you hold on a minute, sugar-tits.
Mr. Reynholm: Now, you hold on a minute, sugar-tits.
TV Show: The IT Crowd
[Moss bursts into the office]
Moss: I did it! I did it! I've been accepted!
Roy: [in disbelief] No!
Jen: What's going on?
Moss: I've been accepted! I applied, and they said yes!
Jen: Who said yes? What are you talking about? Moss... Moss, you're shaking!
[Scene quickly changes to the set of Countdown, with Moss sitting behind a desk]
Moss: Consonant, please.
Moss: I did it! I did it! I've been accepted!
Roy: [in disbelief] No!
Jen: What's going on?
Moss: I've been accepted! I applied, and they said yes!
Jen: Who said yes? What are you talking about? Moss... Moss, you're shaking!
[Scene quickly changes to the set of Countdown, with Moss sitting behind a desk]
Moss: Consonant, please.
TV Show: The IT Crowd
[The 8+ Club are playing Street Countdown]
Prime: Eighteen letters, I've never seen so many... he is the One.
Roy: [incredulously] What are you...
Prime: Shh! This is the longest word yet on Street Countdown! Unlike normal Countdown, you see—
Roy: I don't care.
[The 8+ Club finish an acapella version of the Countdown music]
Prime: Negative One?
Negative One: Twelve.
Moss: Sixteen.
Prime: Your word, Negative One.
Negative One: Enormousness.
Moss: I shall give my answer, if I may, in the form of a joke.
Prime: This is most irregular...
Moss: What do you call Negative One sitting alone in an empty room?
Prime: I don't know, what do you call Negative One sitting alone in an empty room?
Moss: Overnumerousness!
Prime: Gyles?
[Pan to Gyles Brandreth in Dictionary Corner]
Gyles: Yes, that is a word! And the joke makes sense!
Prime: Eighteen letters, I've never seen so many... he is the One.
Roy: [incredulously] What are you...
Prime: Shh! This is the longest word yet on Street Countdown! Unlike normal Countdown, you see—
Roy: I don't care.
[The 8+ Club finish an acapella version of the Countdown music]
Prime: Negative One?
Negative One: Twelve.
Moss: Sixteen.
Prime: Your word, Negative One.
Negative One: Enormousness.
Moss: I shall give my answer, if I may, in the form of a joke.
Prime: This is most irregular...
Moss: What do you call Negative One sitting alone in an empty room?
Prime: I don't know, what do you call Negative One sitting alone in an empty room?
Moss: Overnumerousness!
Prime: Gyles?
[Pan to Gyles Brandreth in Dictionary Corner]
Gyles: Yes, that is a word! And the joke makes sense!
TV Show: The IT Crowd
[Douglas is presenting an advert for "Spaceology"]
Douglas: Space: what is it? The simple answer is, we don't know. Or at least we didn't know until now. Hello, I'm Douglas Reynholm, and I'm not a scientist, but I do have a better understanding of what space is than any scientist living today. Where did I gain these insights? From this man, the founder of Spaceology. Beth Gaga Shaggy—no relation to Lady Gaga or Shaggy—is the founder of Spaceology, a religion, not a cult. In other words, when it comes to space, he's the man with his head screwed on tight. This is what he told me when I met him on holiday two weeks ago.
Beth Gaga Shaggy: Space is invisible mind dust, and stars are but wishes.
Douglas: I mean, think about that! That means every star you can see in the night sky is a wish that has come true. And they've come true because of something he calls Spacestar Ordering. Spacestar Ordering is based on the twin scientific principles of star maths and wishy thinking. If you'd like to know more, there are thousands of Spaceology centres all over the UK. If that doesn't convince you, well, then, maybe you just don't deserve to get what you want.
[Camera changes to Roy and Douglas watching the advert on Roy's computer]
Douglas: Wow. You're a genius, Ray! Love the special effects! How did you do that thing where I'm spinning around?
Roy: Well, in that bit, you're actually spinning around.
Douglas: Space: what is it? The simple answer is, we don't know. Or at least we didn't know until now. Hello, I'm Douglas Reynholm, and I'm not a scientist, but I do have a better understanding of what space is than any scientist living today. Where did I gain these insights? From this man, the founder of Spaceology. Beth Gaga Shaggy—no relation to Lady Gaga or Shaggy—is the founder of Spaceology, a religion, not a cult. In other words, when it comes to space, he's the man with his head screwed on tight. This is what he told me when I met him on holiday two weeks ago.
Beth Gaga Shaggy: Space is invisible mind dust, and stars are but wishes.
Douglas: I mean, think about that! That means every star you can see in the night sky is a wish that has come true. And they've come true because of something he calls Spacestar Ordering. Spacestar Ordering is based on the twin scientific principles of star maths and wishy thinking. If you'd like to know more, there are thousands of Spaceology centres all over the UK. If that doesn't convince you, well, then, maybe you just don't deserve to get what you want.
[Camera changes to Roy and Douglas watching the advert on Roy's computer]
Douglas: Wow. You're a genius, Ray! Love the special effects! How did you do that thing where I'm spinning around?
Roy: Well, in that bit, you're actually spinning around.
TV Show: The IT Crowd
[Roy and Jen are at a Sweet Billy Pilgrim gig]
Roy: I'm going to go dance at the front.
Jen: Aren't you a bit old for the front?
Roy: I'm 31!
Teenager: Good for you mate!
Roy: I'm going to go dance at the front.
Jen: Aren't you a bit old for the front?
Roy: I'm 31!
Teenager: Good for you mate!
TV Show: The IT Crowd
[The computer controlling the bomb-disposal robot has crashed]
Moss: What kind of operating system does it use?
Police: Err... its... Vista!
Moss: We are going to die!
Moss: What kind of operating system does it use?
Police: Err... its... Vista!
Moss: We are going to die!
TV Show: The IT Crowd
Roy: Balloons explode, Jen. They explode suddenly, and unexpectedly. They are filled with the capacity to give me a little fright, and I find that unbearable.
TV Show: The IT Crowd
Moss: When I was eleven I broke the patio window and my mother sued me... She's always been a very aggressive litigator.
TV Show: The IT Crowd