Monty Python and the Holy Grail Quotes

Dennis : Oh but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away.

Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Dennis : Come and see the violence inherent in the system. Help! Help! I'm being repressed!
King Arthur : Bloody peasant!
Dennis : Oh, what a giveaway! Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about! Did you see him repressing me? You saw him, Didn't you?

Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Sir Bedevere : ...and that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana shaped.
King Arthur : This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.

Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
[ the King gestures to the window ]
King of Swamp Castle : One day, lad, all this will be yours.
Prince Herbert : What, the curtains?
King of Swamp Castle : No, not the curtains, lad, all that you can see stretched out over the valleys and the hills! That'll be your kingdom, lad.

Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
King of Swamp Castle : When I first came here, this was all swamp. Everyone said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built in all the same, just to show them. It sank into the swamp. So I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. And that's what you're going to get, Lad, the strongest castle in all of England.

Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Sir Lancelot : Look, my liege! [ trumpets play a fanfare as the camera cuts briefly to the sight of a majestic castle ]
King Arthur : [ in awe ] Camelot!
Sir Galahad : [ in awe ] Camelot!
Sir Lancelot : [ in awe ] Camelot!
Patsy : [ derisively ] It's only a model!
King Arthur : Shh!

Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
King Arthur : On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.

Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds : Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Bridgekeeper : Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Lancelot : Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
Bridgekeeper : What... is your name?
Sir Lancelot : My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper : What... is your quest?
Sir Lancelot : To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper : What... is your favourite colour?
Sir Lancelot : Blue.
Bridgekeeper : Go on. Off you go.
Sir Lancelot : Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
Sir Robin : That's easy.
Bridgekeeper : Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Robin : Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.
Bridgekeeper : What... is your name?
Sir Robin : Sir Robin of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper : What... is your quest?
Sir Robin : To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper : What... is the capital of Assyria? [ pause ]
Sir Robin : I don't know that. [ he is thrown over the edge into the volcano ]
Sir Robin : Auuuuuuuugh.
Bridgekeeper : Stop. What... is your name?
Galahad : Sir Galahad of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper : What... is your quest?
Galahad : I seek the Grail.
Bridgekeeper : What... is your favourite colour?
Galahad : Blue. No, yel... [ he is also thrown over the edge ]
Galahad : auuuuuuuugh.
Bridgekeeper : Hee hee heh. Stop. What... is your name?
King Arthur : It is 'Arthur

Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
[ the Black Knight continues to threaten Arthur despite getting both his arms and one of his legs cut off ]
Black Knight : Right, I'll do you for that!
King Arthur : You'll what?
Black Knight : Come here!
King Arthur : What are you gonna do, bleed on me?
Black Knight : I'm invincible!
King Arthur : ...You're a loony.

Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Dingo : You must spank her well, and after you are done with her, you may deal with her as you like... and then... spank me.
All : And me. And me too. And me.
Dingo : Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking.

Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Dingo : And after the spanking, the oral sex.
Galahad : Well, I could stay a bit longer...

Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Knight 1 : We are the Knights who say... NI.

Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
King Arthur : Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done. [ the Knights of Ni scream and cover their ears ]
Knight 1 : Don't say that word!
King Arthur : What word?
Knight 1 : I cannot tell! Suffice to say, is one of the words the Knights of Ni cannot hear!
King Arthur : How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is? [ the Knights of Ni scream again ]
Knight 1 : He said it again!
King Arthur : What,"is"?
Knight 1 : No, no, not "is". Wouldn't get very far in life not saying "is".

Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
King Arthur : You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight. [ the Black Knight doesn't respond ]
King Arthur : I am Arthur, King of the Britons. [ no response ]
King Arthur : I seek the bravest and the finest knights in the land who will join me in my court at Camelot. [ no response ]
King Arthur : You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me? [ no response ]
King Arthur : You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy! [ attempts to get around the Black Knight ]
Black Knight : None shall pass.
King Arthur : What?
Black Knight : None shall pass!
King Arthur : I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight. But I must cross this bridge.
Black Knight : Then you shall die.
King Arthur : I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside!
Black Knight : I move for no man.
King Arthur : So be it! [ they fight until Arthur cuts off Black Knight's left arm ]
King Arthur : Now, stand aside, worthy adversary!
Black Knight : 'Tis but a scratch!
King Arthur : A scratch? Your arm's off!
Black Knight : No, it isn't!
King Arthur : Well, what's that then?
King Arthur : I've had worse.
King Arthur : You liar!
Black Knight : Come on, you pansy! [ they fight again. Arthur cuts off the Knight's right arm ]
King Arthur : Victory is mine! [ kneels to pray ]
King Arthur : We thank thee, Lord, that in thy mercy - [ cut off by the Knight kicking him ]
Black Knight : Come on, then.
King Arthur : What?
Black Knight : Have at you!

Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Roger the Shrubber : Are you saying Ni to that old woman?
King Arthur : Um, yes.
Roger the Shrubber : Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say Ni at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress in this period in history.
King Arthur : Did you say shrubberies?
Roger the Shrubber : Yes, shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.

Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Knight 1 : We are now no longer the Knights who say Ni.
Knight 2 : NI.
Other Knights : Shh...
Knight 1 : We are now the Knights who say... "Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-PTANG. Zoom-Boing. Z'nourrwringmm.

Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
King of Swamp Castle : We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get.
Prince Herbert : But I don't like her.
King of Swamp Castle : Don't like her? What's wrong with her? She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land.

Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Tim : Follow. But. Follow only if ye be men of valour, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived. Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth.
King Arthur : What an eccentric performance.

Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
[ Holding the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch ]
King Arthur : How does it... um... how does it work?
Sir Lancelot : I know not, my liege.
King Arthur : Consult the Book of Armaments.
Brother Maynard : Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one.
Cleric : [ reading ] And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large chu...
Brother Maynard : Skip a bit, Brother...
Cleric : And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.
Brother Maynard : Amen.
All : Amen.
King Arthur : Right. One... two... five.
Galahad : Three, sir.
King Arthur : Three.

Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Sir Bedevere : Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise - not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!

Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
The Dead Collector : Bring out yer dead. [ a man puts a body on the cart ]
Large Man with Dead Body : Here's one.
The Dead Collector : That'll be ninepence.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't : I'm not dead.
The Dead Collector : What?
Large Man with Dead Body : Nothing. There's your ninepence.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't : I'm not dead.
The Dead Collector : 'Ere, he says he's not dead.
Large Man with Dead Body : Yes he is.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't : I'm not.
The Dead Collector : He isn't.
Large Man with Dead Body : Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't : I'm getting better.
Large Man with Dead Body : No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment.
The Dead Collector : Well, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't : I don't want to go on the cart.
Large Man with Dead Body : Oh, don't be such a baby.
The Dead Collector : I can't take him.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't : I feel fine.
Large Man with Dead Body : Oh, do me a favor.
The Dead Collector : I can't.
Large Man with Dead Body : Well, can you hang around for a couple of minutes? He won't be long.
The Dead Collector : I promised I'd be at the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today.
Large Man with Dead Body : Well, when's your next round?
The Dead Collector : Thursday.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't : I think I'll go for a walk.
Large Man with Dead Body : You

Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
King Arthur : Can we come up and have a look?
French Soldier : Of course not. You're English types.
King Arthur : What are you then?
French Soldier : I'm French. Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king?
Sir Galahad : What are you doing in England?
French Soldier : Mind your own business.

Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
King of Swamp Castle : You only killed the bride's father, you know.
Sir Lancelot : Well, I didn't mean to.
King of Swamp Castle : Didn't mean to? You put your sword right through his head.
Sir Lancelot : Oh dear... is he all right?

Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds : Who goes there?
King Arthur : It is I, Arthur, Son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, sovereign of all England.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds : Pull the other one.

Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Sir Bedevere : There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.
Peasant 1 : Are there? Oh well, tell us.
Sir Bedevere : Tell me. What do you do with witches?
Peasant 1 : Burn them.
Sir Bedevere : And what do you burn, apart from witches?
Peasant 1 : More witches.
Peasant 2 : Wood.
Sir Bedevere : Good. Now, why do witches burn?
Peasant 3 : ...because they're made of... wood?
Sir Bedevere : Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood?
Peasant 1 : Build a bridge out of her.
Sir Bedevere : But can you not also build bridges out of stone?
Peasant 1 : Oh yeah.
Sir Bedevere : Does wood sink in water?
Peasant 1 : No, no, it floats!... It floats! Throw her into the pond!
Sir Bedevere : No, no. What else floats in water?
Peasant 1 : Bread.
Peasant 2 : Apples.
Peasant 3 : Very small rocks.
Peasant 1 : Cider.
Peasant 2 : Gravy.
Peasant 3 : Cherries.
Peasant 1 : Mud.
Peasant 2 : Churches.
Peasant 3 : Lead! Lead!
King Arthur : A Duck.
Sir Bedevere : ...Exactly. So, logically...
Peasant 1 : If she weighed the same as a duck... she's made of wood.
Sir Bedevere : And therefore...
Peasant 2 : ...A witch!

Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Sir Galahad : What a strange person.

Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Sir Lancelot : [ Bursts into the Prince's room and kneels before him after killing the guards ] Oh, fair one, behold, I am you humble servant Sir Launcelot. I have come to take [ looks up and realizes that he is kneeling before an effeminate Prince, not a Princess ]
Sir Lancelot : Oh, I'm terribly sorry!
Prince Herbert : You got my note!
Sir Lancelot : Uh, well, I got a note.
Prince Herbert : You've come to rescue me! I knew someone would! I knew that somewhere out there, there must be someone who [ Music swells ]
King of Swamp Castle : Stop that! Stop it! Stop it! [ Music stops ]
King of Swamp Castle : Who are you?
Prince Herbert : I'm your son!
King of Swamp Castle : No, not you!
Sir Lancelot : I am Sir Launcelot, sir.
Prince Herbert : He's come to rescue me, father!
Sir Lancelot : Well, let's not jump to conclusions.
King of Swamp Castle : Did you kill all those guards?
Sir Lancelot : Um... oh, yes! Sorry.
King of Swamp Castle : They cost fifty pounds each!
Sir Lancelot : Well, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.
King of Swamp Castle : Well, I can understand that.

Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Zoot : Welcome, brave sir Knight. Welcome to the Castle Anthrax.
Sir Galahad : The Castle Anthrax?
Zoot : Yes... it's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice, and we'll attend to your every need.

Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
[ after slicing one of the Black Knight's arms off ]
King Arthur : Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
Black Knight : 'Tis but a scratch.
King Arthur : A scratch? Your arm's off.
Black Knight : No it isn't.
King Arthur : What's that, then?
Black Knight : [ after a pause ] I've had worse.
King Arthur : You liar.
Black Knight : Come on ya pansy.

Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail