Joan Rivers Quotes

Joan Rivers Quotes. Below is a collection of famous Joan Rivers quotes. Here you can find the most popular and greatest quotes by Joan Rivers. Share these quotations with your friends and family.

Your anger can be 49 % and your comedy 51 %, and you're okay. If the anger is 51 %, the comedy is gone.

By Joan Rivers

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

By Joan Rivers

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

By Joan Rivers

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, Get the hell off my property.

By Joan Rivers

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

By Joan Rivers

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

By Joan Rivers

I don't know why they're around.

By Joan Rivers

Elizabeth Taylor's so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

By Joan Rivers

DonÃ¢â?¬â?¢t talk to me about ValentineÃ¢â?¬â?¢s Day. At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!

By Joan Rivers

Dont talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!

By Joan Rivers

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

By Joan Rivers

Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly -- hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.

By Joan Rivers

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

By Joan Rivers

A child of one can be taught not to do certain things such as touch a hot stove, turn on the gas, pull lamps off their tables by their cords, or wake mommy before noon

By Joan Rivers

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

By Joan Rivers

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

By Joan Rivers