Dave Barry Quotes
Dave Barry Quotes. Below is a collection of famous Dave Barry quotes. Here you can find the most popular and greatest quotes by Dave Barry. Share these quotations with your friends and family.
The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.
By Dave Barry
The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.
By Dave Barry
Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
By Dave Barry
Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
By Dave Barry
Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter
By Dave Barry
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them
By Dave Barry
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
By Dave Barry
Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.
By Dave Barry
My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
By Dave Barry
Most married couples, even though they love each other very much in theory, tend to view each other in practice as large teeming flaw colonies, the result being that they get on each other's nerves and regularly erupt into vicious emotional shouting matches over such issues as toaster settings.
By Dave Barry
Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate
By Dave Barry
Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
By Dave Barry
It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.
By Dave Barry
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
By Dave Barry
In the past decade or so, the women's magazines have taken to running home-handyperson articles suggesting that women can learn to fix things just as well as men. These articles are apparently based on the ludicrous assumption that men know how to fix things, when in fact all they know how to do is look at things in a certain squinty-eyed manner, which they learned in Wood Shop eventually, when enough things in the home are broken, they take a job requiring them to transfer to another home.
By Dave Barry
In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.
By Dave Barry
In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.
By Dave Barry
If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.
By Dave Barry
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
By Dave Barry
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
By Dave Barry
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
By Dave Barry
I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.
By Dave Barry