George Carlin Quotes. Below is a collection of famous George Carlin quotes. Here you can find the most popular and greatest quotes by George Carlin. Share these quotations with your friends and family.

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"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

by George Carlin

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"Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong."

by George Carlin

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"Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook"

by George Carlin

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"'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?"

by George Carlin

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"A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff."

by George Carlin

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"Always do whatever's next."

by George Carlin

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"As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything."

by George Carlin

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"As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything"

by George Carlin

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"Electricity is really just organized lightning."

by George Carlin

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"Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?"

by George Carlin

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"Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it."

by George Carlin

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"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."

by George Carlin

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"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck"

by George Carlin

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"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? by"

by George Carlin

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"Hobbies cost money but interests are free."

by George Carlin

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"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."

by George Carlin

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"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy"

by George Carlin

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"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."

by George Carlin

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"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately"

by George Carlin

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"I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?"

by George Carlin

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"I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend -- I didn't bother with him."

by George Carlin

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"I went straight from shenanigans to cries against humanity"

by George Carlin

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"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."

by George Carlin

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"I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect."

by George Carlin

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"If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?"

by George Carlin

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"If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categorize them, combining them alongside existing ideas, and eventually put a piece together."

by George Carlin

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"If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him"

by George Carlin

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"If you�re reading it in a book, folks, it ain�t self-help. It�s help."

by George Carlin

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"In labor news, longshoremen walked off the piers today; rescue operations are continuing"

by George Carlin

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"Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist."

by George Carlin

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"Keep thy religion to thyself."

by George Carlin

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"Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers."

by George Carlin

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"Life.....is a series of dogs."

by George Carlin

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"Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong"

by George Carlin

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"The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity"

by George Carlin

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"The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in the oposite direction"

by George Carlin

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"The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions."

by George Carlin

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"The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election"

by George Carlin

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"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.'"

by George Carlin

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"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls."

by George Carlin

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"There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past"

by George Carlin

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"Weather forecast for tonight dark."

by George Carlin

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"Weather forcast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning."

by George Carlin

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"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"

by George Carlin

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"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight They never mention that part to us, do they"

by George Carlin

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"When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?"

by George Carlin

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"Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?"

by George Carlin

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"You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar"

by George Carlin

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"You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montanta, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time."

by George Carlin

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"Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it."

by George Carlin

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"A whole lot of people are really not good at anything."

by George Carlin

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"Don't you think it's just mildly ironic that most of the people against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?"

by George Carlin

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"I’d like to take advantage of this early opportunity to wish all of you an enjoyable Christmas season and a happy New Year filled with good fortune. Of course I realize this can’t happen for everyone. Some of you are going to die next year, and others will be crippled and maimed in accidents, perhaps even completely paralyzed. Still others will be stricken with diseases that can’t be cured, or will be horribly scarred in fires. And lets not forget the robberies and rapes – there’ll be lots of them. Therefore many of you will not be able to enjoy the happy and fortunate New Year I’m wishing for you. So just try and do the best you can."

by George Carlin

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"We're all fucked. It helps to remember that."

by George Carlin

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"Try to explain Hitler to a kid."

by George Carlin

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"Think of how stupid the average person is. Now remember: approximately half of everyone is stupider than that."

by George Carlin (paraphase)

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"Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established."

by George Carlin

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"Those who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the music."

by George Carlin

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"I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for minor infractions: No Smoking, Stay Off the Grass, Keep Out, and they seem to work fairly well. I think we should also have signs for major crimes: Murder Strictly Prohibited, NO Raping People, Thank You for Not Kidnapping Anyone. It's certainly worth a try. I'm convinced Watergate would never have happened if there had just been a sign in the Oval Office that said, Malfeasance of Office Is Strictly Against the Law, or Thank You for Not Undermining the Constitution."

by George Carlin

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"Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things."

by George Carlin

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"It is impossible to see accurately how you look in your sunglasses."

by George Carlin

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"I use the word 'fat.' I use that word because that's what people are: they're fat. They're not bulky; they're not large, chunky, hefty or plump. And they're not big-boned. Dinosaurs were big-boned. These people are not overweight: this term somehow implies there is some correct weight... There is no correct weight. Heavy is also a misleading term. An aircraft carrier is heavy; it's not fat. Only people are fat, and that's what fat people are! They're fat!"

by George Carlin

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"Some people say 'shoot' instead of 'shit.' They can't fool me, man. 'Shoot' is 'shit' with two o's."

by George Carlin

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"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

by George Carlin

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"Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time! But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit!"

by George Carlin

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"We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing."

by George Carlin

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"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.'"

by George Carlin

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