[on why Ricky should resume his racing career]
Susan: It's because it's what you love, Ricky. It is who you were born to be. And here you sit, thinking. Well, Ricky Bobby is not a thinker. Ricky Bobby is a driver. He is a doer. And that's what you need to do. You don't need to think. You need to drive. You need speed. You need to go out there, and you need to rev your engine. You need to fire it up. You need to grab a hold of that line between speed and chaos, and you need to wrestle it to the ground like a demon cobra! And then, when the fear rises up in your belly, you use it. And you know that fear is powerful, because it has been there for billions of years. And it is good. And you use it. And you ride it; you ride it like a skeleton horse through the gates of hell, and then you win, Ricky. You WIN! And you don't win for anybody else. You win for you, you know why? Because a man takes what he wants. He takes it all. And you're a man, aren't you? Aren't you?
Ricky Bobby: [pauses] Susan, I've never heard you talk like that... Are we about to get it on? Because I'm as hard as a diamond in an ice storm right now.

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Susan: Ricky Bobby is not a thinker. Ricky Bobby is a driver!

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Ricky Bobby: Dear little baby Jesus, who's sittin' in his crib watchin the Baby Einstein videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors. I would like to thank you for bringin' me and my moma together, and also that my kids no longer sound like retarded gang-bangers.

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Ricky Bobby: Wow. I feel like I'm Highlander!
Jean Girard: [Jean chuckles, confused] What is the Highlander?
Ricky Bobby: It's a movie. It won the Academy Award.
Jean Girard: Oh for what?
Ricky Bobby: Best movie ever made.

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Ricky Bobby: Well let me just quote the late-great Colonel Sanders, who said..."I'm too drunk to taste this chicken."

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Ricky Bobby: I'm just a big hairy American winning machine, you know?

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Ricky Bobby: I came here to tell you one thing. Come race time tomorrow I'm coming for you.
Jean Girard: Do you know why I came to America Monsieur Bobby?
Ricky Bobby: Health care systems, giant water parks. The same reason anyone comes to America.
Jean Girard: I came here for you to beat me.
Ricky Bobby: What are you talking about?
Jean Girard: My husband Gregory and I want only that what every other couple wants. To tame komodo dragons in Sri Lanka and teach them to perform Hamlet but before I can do that...
Ricky Bobby: That's dumb.
Jean Girard: It's not dumb.
Ricky Bobby: It is dumb.
Jean Girard: Why is it dumb?
Ricky Bobby: I don't know.
Jean Girard: But before I can do that I must be beaten by a driver who is truly better than me.
Ricky Bobby: You saying you're going to lose to me on purpose?
Jean Girard: No.
Ricky Bobby: No?
Jean Girard: NO! I will battle you with the entirety of my heart and you will probably lose. But maybe, just maybe. You might challenge me. The Beatles needed the Rolling Stones. Even Diane Sawyer needed Katie Couric. Will you be my Katie Couric?
Ricky Bobby: Wow I feel like I'm in the Highlander.
Jean Girard: What's the Highlander?
Ricky Bobby: It's a movie.
Jean Girard: Oh any good?
Ricky Bobby: Very good. It won the academy award.
Jean Girard: Oh for what?
Ricky Bobby: Best movie ever made. Look I came here to tell you tomorrow I'm coming for you.
Jean Girard: May god be with you Monsieur Bobby. Because although today I am friendly. Tomorrow will be war!
Ricky Bobby: Alright.

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Ricky Bobby: This sticker is dangerous and inconvenient, but I do love fig newtons.

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Jean Girard: Hakuna Matata, *****es!

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Cal Naughton, Jr.: Shake and bake!

Jean Girard: Is that a catchphrase or epilepsy?

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Ricky Bobby: I've sent in my application to the Real World. So I'm hoping to hear back from that. I'm putting A LOT of my eggs into that basket, the MTV basket. I'm also thinking about getting a gun, and dealing crack. Being a crack dealer. Not like a mean crack dealer, but like... like a nice one. Kinda friendly like, hey, what's up guys? Want some crack? I'm just waiting on those two things to flesh themselves out.

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[repeated line]

Ricky Bobby, Cal Naughton, Jr.: Shake and bake!

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Schoolteacher: Okay, next up is Ricky Bobby. Ricky, is your father here?

10-year-old Ricky: No, ma'am. I haven't seen my daddy in years. But, my mama say he's out racing cars, and, well, dipping his wick in anything that moves.

Classmates: [Laugh at what Ricky said]

Schoolteacher: Okay, kids, that's enough. Were gonna move on to Brennan.

10-Year-Old Cal: Don't pay them no mind, Ricky.

10-year-old Ricky: Thanks, Cal. Shake and Bake. You'll be my best friend forever.

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Chip: Jesus was a man! He had a beard!

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Bill Weber: We'd like to thank you for joining us for NBC's coverage of NASCAR. Coming up next, it's Ice Dancing to the hits of Motown.

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Cal Naughton, Jr.: I wet the bed until I was 19. There's no shame in that.

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Texas Ranger: [complaining about doing community service] When do we get to stop doing this, Grandma?

Lucy Bobby: Well, I don't know, honey. When are you boys going to stop tossing me the radio in the bathtub?

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Texas Ranger: The teacher asked me what was the capital of North Carolina. I said Washington, D.C.

Cal Naughton, Jr.: Bingo.

Ricky Bobby: Nice.

Texas Ranger: She said No, you're wrong. I said You got a lumpy butt. She got mad at me and yelled at me and I pissed in my pants and I never did change my pee-pants all day. I'm still sittin' in my dirty pee-pants.

Cal Naughton, Jr.: I wet my bed until I was nineteen. There's no shame in that.

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Ricky Bobby: Slingshot: engaged.

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Ricky Bobby: I'm going fast again!

Cal Naughton, Jr.: How fast is he going?

Lucius Washington: 26 miles per hour.

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Jean Girard: Bon. So, what if you just said: I love really thin pancakes? That is a fair compromise, no?

Kyle: That is a fair compromise.

Herschell: Very fair, actually.

Ricky Bobby: No! Because then everyone would know I really meant crepes!

Kyle: That's actually a pretty good compromise right there.

Jean Girard: Why do you want me to break your arm so badly?

Ricky Bobby: You don't understand. You don't understand because you don't understand liberty. You don't understand freedom. So you put a crack in my arm like the crack in the Liberty Bell! You hear me?

Cal Naughton, Jr.: [leans down to talk to Ricky in a low voice] Hey. This is just between you and me, okay? I mean, forget all these other guys. But he did give you a pretty decent out. But it's your call.

Ricky Bobby: [whispering] What do you think?

Cal Naughton, Jr.: Don't say it.

Ricky Bobby: Yeah. I'm not gonna say it. Nope. Break it, Pepe Le Pew!

Jean Girard: As you wish.
[He breaks Ricky's arm]

Ricky Bobby: [in pain] He actually did it!

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Jean Girard: My name is Jean Girard and I am a racing-car driver just like you except I am from Formula Un. I am the greatest one in the whole world. I have been following your career with great interest, Monsieur Bobby.

Ricky Bobby: I can't understand a word you've said the whole time.

Cal Naughton, Jr.: Did you eat some peanut butter or something?

Ricky Bobby: Yeah, you sound like a dog with peanut butter on the roof of your mouth

Jean Girard: I think what you are hearing is my accent. I am French.

Ricky Bobby: You say you're French?

Jean Girard: Oui.
[sounds like 'We']

Ricky Bobby: We? No, we are not French. We're American, because you're in America, okay? Greatest country on the planet

Jean Girard: Well, what have you given the world apart from George Bush, Cheerios, and the ThighMaster?

Ricky Bobby: Chinese food?

Cal Naughton, Jr.: Chinese food.

Jean Girard: That's from China.

Ricky Bobby: Pizza.

Jean Girard: Italy.

Cal Naughton, Jr.: Chimichanga.

Jean Girard: Mexico.

Ricky Bobby: Really, smarty-pants? What did French land give us?

Jean Girard: We invented democracy, existentialism, and the Ménage à Trois.

Cal Naughton, Jr.: Those are three pretty good things.

Ricky Bobby: Hey.

Cal Naughton, Jr.: Well that last one's pretty cool.

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Cal Naughton, Jr.: I like to think of Jesus like with giant eagles wings, and singin' lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd with like an angel band and I'm in the front row and I'm hammered drunk!

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Texas Ranger: Shut those mutts up before I cook 'em and eat 'em!

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Jean Girard: Ricky... I watched the Highlander movie. It was shit!

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Cal Naughton, Jr.: Hey, when you have the stereo and TV on, how do you change the volume on the stereo?

Ricky Bobby: "If you have the stereo on..." Why do you have the stereo on while you're watching TV?

Cal Naughton, Jr.: 'Cause I like to party.

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Ricky Bobby: [running around on the track in his underwear] Help me Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me Allah! AAAAAHHH! Help me Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!

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Ricky Bobby: I wanna thank little baby Jesus, who's sittin' in his crib watchin the Baby Einstein videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors.

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Ricky Bobby: If you ain't first, you're last.

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Ricky Bobby: I hope you have sons. Beautiful, handsome boys. Articulate, educated, and athletic. And I hope they have their legs taken from them, so you can know what this pain is like.

Lucius Washington: [enraged] Don't you put that evil on me, Ricky Bobby! You are NOT paralyzed!

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Cal Naughton, Jr.: [On the telephone] Ricky, I think your house is haunted.

Ricky Bobby: Cal, that is a new house! It just has a lot of creaks and moans and groans in it!
[pauses]

Ricky Bobby: Why the hell am I even talking to you anyway?

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Reese Bobby: [walks into the classroom] Excuse me, darling. I'm Reese Bobby. I'm here for career day with my son, Ricky.

10-year-old Ricky: Dad!

Reese Bobby: Hey there, boy! Man, you got big. How long's it been? Three, four months?

10-year-old Ricky: Ten years.

Reese Bobby: Ten years? Man, I gotta lay off the peyote.
[puts a cigarette in his mouth]

Schoolteacher: Mr. Bobby, there's no smoking in here.

Reese Bobby: Oh, it's all right, darling, I'm a volunteer fireman. Okay, I am a semi-professional racecar driver and an amateur tattoo artist.

Classmates: OOO0HHHH!

Reese Bobby: And the first thing you gotta learn if you're gonna be a racecar driver, is that you don't listen to losers like your know-it-all teacher here.

Schoolteacher: Okay, I think that's enough.

Reese Bobby: Your teacher wants you to go slow, and she's wrong because it's the fastest who get paid and it's the fastest who get laid.

Classmates: [they all cheer]

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Jean Girard: Now it is time for the matador to dance with the blind shoe-maker!

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Jean Girard: Now it is time for the matador to dance with the blind shoe-maker!

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Texas Ranger: You look old, Granny are you gonna die today?

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Cal Naughton, Jr.: Please don't let the invisible fire burn my friend!

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Texas Ranger: [after Reese getting in an argument with an Applebee's waitress] Please let us not resolve our problems with fighting.

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Texas Ranger: Hey there, Popeye!

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Cal Naughton, Jr.: I like to think of Jesus like with giant eagles wings, and singin' lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd with like an angel band and I'm in the front row and I'm hammered drunk!

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Cal Naughton, Jr.: I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo T-Shirt because it says I want to be formal, but I'm here to party.

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Cal Naughton, Jr.: Remember that time in tenth grade when we got kicked out of class for playing with Matchbox cars? Who's the retard now?

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Lucius Washington: [to the crew as they are speed-changing a customer's tire] Guys! No tires! We're not a pit crew anymore, we're a car wash team.

Glenn: Sorry, Lucius. Hard habit to break. Like stalking an ex-girlfriend.

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Herschell: Yeah? Well we invented the missionary position... You're welcome.

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Opening text: America is all about speed. Hot, nasty, badass speed. -Eleanor Roosevelt, 1936

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Walker: [the boys are running around when they should be in Sunday school] ANARCHY! ANARCHY!

Texas Ranger: I don't know what that means, but I LOVE it!

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Texas Ranger: Why, if it isn't our mangy, transient grandfather.

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[last lines]
[after the credits]

Texas Ranger: Great analysis, Walker.

Walker: Thanks.

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Texas Ranger: Old man, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey!

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Walker: Shut up in here I'm trying to sleep

Texas Ranger: One of you turds is about to get smacked in the mouth

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Cal Naughton, Jr.: So when you say psychosomatic, you mean like he could start a fire with his thoughts?

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Cal Naughton, Jr.: Abracadabra homes

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Texas Ranger: Shut those mutts up before I cook 'em and eat 'em!

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Jean Girard: Hakuna Matata, bitches!

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Cal Naughton, Jr.: I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo T-Shirt because it says I want to be formal, but I'm here to party.

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Cal Naughton, Jr.: Remember that time in tenth grade when we got kicked out of class for playing with Matchbox cars? Who's the retard now?

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Chip: Jesus was a man! He had a beard!

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Texas Ranger: The teacher asked me what the capitol of North Carolina was. I said, Washington DC. She said, You're wrong. I said, You have a lumpy butt.

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Lucius Washington: [to the crew as they are speed-changing a customer's tire] Guys! No tires! We're not a pit crew anymore, we're a car wash team.

Glenn: Sorry, Lucius. Hard habit to break. Like stalking an ex-girlfriend.

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Jean Girard: You spilled my macchiato!

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Bill Weber: Up next on NBC, Ice Dancing to the hits of Mo-Town.

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Opening text: America is all about speed. Hot, nasty, badass speed. -Eleanor Roosevelt, 1936

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Walker: [the boys are running around when they should be in Sunday school] ANARCHY! ANARCHY!

Texas Ranger: I don't know what that means, but I LOVE it!

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Texas Ranger: Why, if it isn't our mangy, transient grandfather.

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Texas Ranger: One of you turds is gonna get smacked in the mouth!

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Texas Ranger: I'm all jacked up on mountain dew!

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Texas Ranger: Old man, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey!

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Jean Girard: Will you be my... Katie Couric?

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Walker: Shut up in here I'm trying to sleep

Texas Ranger: One of you turds is about to get smacked in the mouth

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Cal Naughton, Jr.: I wet my bed until i was 19. No shame in that.

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Walker: [to Granny's neighbor] Go shave your balls, you dusty old fart!

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Cal Naughton, Jr.: So when you say psychosomatic, you mean like he could start a fire with his thoughts?

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Cal Naughton, Jr.: Abracadabra homes

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Walker: My friends and I skipped school and we filled up a cup of pee and tried to get our neighbors dog to drink it. But he wouldn't

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Cal Naughton, Jr.: I like to picture Jesus as a figure skater. He wears like a white outfit, and He does interpretive ice dances of my life's journey.

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Cal Naughton, Jr.: I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger.

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Cal Naughton, Jr.: I like to think of Jesus as an Ice Dancer, dressed in an all-white jumpsuit, and doing an interpretive dance of my life.

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Walker: My friends and I skipped school and we filled up a cup of pee and tried to get our neighbors dog to drink it. But he wouldn't

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Cal Naughton, Jr.: I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger.

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Texas Ranger: [complaining about doing community service] When do we get to stop doing this, Grandma?

Lucy Bobby: Well, I don't know, honey. When are you boys going to stop tossing me the radio in the bathtub?

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Carley Bobby: [During a fight with grandpa about the children] If we wanted us some wusses we would have named them Dr. Quinn and Medicine Woman.

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Reese Bobby: Hey shut up you little pot-licker I'll stick you in a microwave!

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Reese Bobby: There's nothing more frightening then driving with a live goddamn cougar next to you.

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Texas Ranger: Someone didn't love you enough when you were little, did they?

Reese Bobby: That's a good call.

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Reese Bobby: Hey shut up you little pot-licker I'll stick you in a microwave!

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Reese Bobby: There's nothing more frightening then driving with a live goddamn cougar next to you.

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Texas Ranger: Did someone not love you enough as a child?

Reese Bobby: That's a good call.

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Glenn: Peaches and Cream!
[while watching Ricky crash]

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Lucius Washington: [trying to remove a knife in Ricky's leg] Let's use this knife to pry it out!

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Lucius Washington: [trying to remove a knife in Ricky's leg] Let's use this knife to pry it out!

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Waffle House Manager: [it's career day at Ricky's school and a girl is introducing her father] I'm happy that Waffle House was okay with me coming here to talk to y'all about my day-to-day. And, y'all, that's pretty much, in a shell what it's like to manage a Waffle House. Ma'am, I don't know what else you want me to say to them. And I'm also gonna need to know where your commode's at.

Schoolteacher: Okay, let's give him a round of applause. Thank you.

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Waffle House Manager: [it's career day at Ricky's school and a girl is introducing her father] I'm happy that Waffle House was okay with me coming here to talk to y'all about my day-to-day. And, y'all, that's pretty much, in a shell what it's like to manage a Waffle House. Ma'am, I don't know what else you want me to say to them. And I'm also gonna need to know where your commode's at.

Schoolteacher: Okay, let's give him a round of applause. Thank you.

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PA Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, that is a new track record. As it stands now, Jean Girard is sitting on the pole, which is a statement of fact, and is in no way a comment on the driver's sexual orientation.

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Reese Bobby: [When introduced to his grandsons for the first time... ever] I'm gonna need a DNA test before I recognize them as my grand kids

Reese Bobby: [Moments after recieving a barrage of insults from Texas Ranger] Okay... They're my grandkids

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Frank: Will you people shut the hell up! I've got my wife trying to sleep in an oxygen tent over here!

Reese Bobby: If you don't shut up I'm going to come rip a hole in that tent!

Texas Ranger: Go shave your balls, you dusty old fart!

Lucy Bobby: Yeah, Frank, SHUT UP!

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Reese Bobby: Now, you show me the DNA test and then maybe I'll, uh... I'll say hello to these swamp rats.

Frank: You people shut the hell up! I got a wife in an oxygen tent tryin' to sleep!

Reese Bobby: You better shut the hell up or I'll come over there and rip a hole in that tent!

Lucy Bobby: Yeah, shut up, Frank!

Walker: Go shave your balls, you dusty old fart!

Walker: Okay, I guess they are my grandkids.

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Jarvis: Cal, Ricky's passing you.

Cal Naughton, Jr.: Do you think Ricky is passing me in my subconscious?

Jarvis: No, he's actually passing you. That's happening right now.

Movie / TV: Talladega Nights - The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
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Reese Bobby: Now, you show me the DNA test and then maybe I'll, uh... I'll say hello to these swamp rats.

Frank: [from the house next door] You people shut the hell up! I got a wife in an oxygen tent tryin' to sleep!

Reese Bobby: You better shut the hell up or I'll come over there and rip a hole in that tent!

Lucy Bobby: Yeah, shut up, Frank!

Walker: Go shave your balls, you dusty old fart!

Reese Bobby: Okay, I guess they are my grandkids.

Movie / TV: Talladega Nights - The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
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Reese Bobby: [First lines in the movie and Reese is speeding] Guess how fast were going now.

Lucy Bobby: [screams] I don't care, I'm having a baby!

Reese Bobby: Hundred and five miles an hour, you believe that?

Movie / TV: Talladega Nights - The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
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[first lines]

Reese Bobby: [Reese is speeding] Guess how fast were going now.

Lucy Bobby: [screams] I don't care, I'm having a baby!

Reese Bobby: Hundred and five miles an hour, you believe that?

Movie / TV: Talladega Nights - The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
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Cal Naughton, Jr.: Hey, when you have the stereo and TV on, how do you change the volume on the stereo?

Ricky Bobby: Why do you have the stereo on while you're watching TV?

Cal Naughton, Jr.: 'Cause I like to party.

Movie / TV: Talladega Nights - The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
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