Jokes Quotes

'ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?'

By Anonymous
'A string walked into a bar, hopped on the barstool, and said, 'Bartender, gimme a beer.' The bartender said, 'I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here.' Disappointed, the string hopped down from the stool and went to the next bar. He hopped on the barstool and said, again, 'Bartender, gimme a beer.' The bartender said, 'I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here.' The string continued down the row of bars in this fashion. At every bar, he hopped on the barstool and said, 'Bartender, gimme a beer.' The bartender at every bar in turn said, 'I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here.' Finally he got to the last bar in the area. He was tired, he was sweaty, all he wanted was a beer. He trudged inside, climbed on the barstool, and said, 'Bartender, gimme a beer.' This bartender, too, said, 'I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here.' Tired and angry, the string walked outside to think. He was a hard-working string. He deserved a beer. Finally, he came up with an idea. He had a passerby tie him up into a bow and frazzle his ends. Then he went back into the bar, and climbed up on the barstool. 'Bartender, gimme a beer!' he said loudly. The bartender looked him over critically, and finally yelled, 'Hey, aren't you that string that was in here a few minutes ago?' The string replied coolly, 'Nope, I'm a frayed knot.''

By Anonymous
'A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?' 'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied. The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?' The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.''

By Anonymous
'A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, ' Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walk s to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridgeand ran out of gas.'

By Anonymous
'Against his better judgment, the big game hunter is talked into taking both his wife AND her mother along on one of his expeditions. It does not go well. The mother-in-law is, if anything, harder to get along with in the wilds than she was in the city. And to make matters worse, she won't even abide by the simple camp rules designed to keep the safari safe. One night after dinner, the hunter's wife realizes her mother is missing. Panicked, she rushes to her husband and begs him to institute a search. He sighs, and together they set out. But before they've gone far, they hear throaty growling. Soon they come upon a small clearing in which the mother-in-law stands, backed up against thick, seemingly impenetrable jungle brush, and facing a huge male lion. The wife whispers urgently, 'What are we going to do?' 'Nothing,' responds her husband. 'The lion got himself into this mess, now let him get himself out of it.''

By Anonymous
'I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.'

By Anonymous
'A string walked into a bar, hopped on the barstool, and said, 'Bartender, gimme a beer.' The bartender said, 'I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here.' Disappointed, the string hopped down from the stool and went to the next bar. He hopped on the barstool and said, again, 'Bartender, gimme a beer.' The bartender said, 'I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here.' The string continued down the row of bars in this fashion. At every bar, he hopped on the barstool and said, 'Bartender, gimme a beer.' The bartender at every bar in turn said, 'I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here.' Finally he got to the last bar in the area. He was tired, he was sweaty, all he wanted was a beer. He trudged inside, climbed on the barstool, and said, 'Bartender, gimme a beer.' This bartender, too, said, 'I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here.' Tired and angry, the string walked outside to think. He was a hard-working string. He deserved a beer. Finally, he came up with an idea. He had a passerby tie him up into a bow and frazzle his ends. Then he went back into the bar, and climbed up on the barstool. 'Bartender, gimme a beer!' he said loudly. The bartender looked him over critically, and finally yelled, 'Hey, aren't you that string that was in here a few minutes ago?' The string replied coolly, 'Nope, I'm a frayed knot.''

By Anonymous
'A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?' 'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied. The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?' The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.''

By Anonymous
'A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, ' Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walk s to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridgeand ran out of gas.'

By Anonymous
'Against his better judgment, the big game hunter is talked into taking both his wife AND her mother along on one of his expeditions. It does not go well. The mother-in-law is, if anything, harder to get along with in the wilds than she was in the city. And to make matters worse, she won't even abide by the simple camp rules designed to keep the safari safe. One night after dinner, the hunter's wife realizes her mother is missing. Panicked, she rushes to her husband and begs him to institute a search. He sighs, and together they set out. But before they've gone far, they hear throaty growling. Soon they come upon a small clearing in which the mother-in-law stands, backed up against thick, seemingly impenetrable jungle brush, and facing a huge male lion. The wife whispers urgently, 'What are we going to do?' 'Nothing,' responds her husband. 'The lion got himself into this mess, now let him get himself out of it.''

By Anonymous
'I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.'

By Anonymous
'Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.'

By Anonymous
'What bone will a dog never eat? A trombone.'

By Anonymous
'What do bees do with their honey? They cell it.'

By Anonymous
'What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.'

By Anonymous
'Regardless of the temptation, don't lick a steak knife.'

By Anonymous
'I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.'

By Anonymous
'I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.''

By Anonymous
'Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.'

By Anonymous
'Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!'

By Anonymous
'Lawyer: 'Were you acquainted with the deceased?' Witness: 'Yes sir.' Lawyer: 'Before or after he died?''

By Anonymous
'A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.'

By Anonymous
'Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks'

By Anonymous
'Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive.'

By Anonymous
'For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.'

By Anonymous
'I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.'

By Anonymous
'If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.'

By Anonymous
'The shortest distance between two points is under construction.'

By Anonymous
'If I want to hear the patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.'

By Anonymous
'Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears.' 'Don't answer!'

By Henny Youngman
'Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?' The doctor says, 'Limp!'

By Henny Youngman
'What's the latest dope on Wall Street?' 'My son!'

By Henny Youngman
2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. 'Since when do you wear pantyhose?' 'Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!'

By Henny Youngman
2 Jewish women in New York. One says, 'Do you see what's going on in Poland?' The other says, 'I live in the back, I don't see anything.'

By Henny Youngman
A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!

By Henny Youngman
A bum asked me, 'Give me $10 till payday.' I asked, 'When's payday?' He said, 'I don't know, you're the one who is working!'

By Henny Youngman
A bum came up to me saying, 'I haven't eaten in two days!' I said, 'You should force yourself!'

By Henny Youngman
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, 'Are you comfortable?' The man says, 'I make a good living.'

By Henny Youngman
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

By Henny Youngman
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, 'Doc, how do I stand?' The doctor says, 'That's what puzzles me!'

By Henny Youngman
A doctor says to a man, 'You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day.' Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, 'How is your love life since you have been running?' 'I don't know, I'm 140 mile

By Henny Youngman
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge say,s 'You've been brought here for drinking.' The drunk says, 'Okay, let's get started.'

By Henny Youngman
A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, 'Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away.' The next day, the man says, 'Did you do what I told you to?' 'Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!'

By Henny Youngman
A guy says, 'I'm so old that I forgot how old I am.' An old woman says, 'I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over.' The man does this. The woman says, 'You're seventy four.' The man says, 'How can you tell?' The woman says, 'You

By Henny Youngman
A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington, DC. The bride is concerned: 'What if the place is still bugged?' The groom says, 'I'll look for a bug'. He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug - 'AHA!' Under the rug was a

By Henny Youngman
A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, 'Can I park here?' 'No' says the cop. 'What about all these other cars?' 'They didn't ask!'

By Henny Youngman
A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

By Henny Youngman
A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a l

By Henny Youngman
A little man is running a jewelry store. A man runs in saying, 'Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks!' and runs out the door. The

By Henny Youngman
A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, 'Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz.' The man says, 'Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz.' 'I'm sorry, he's on vacation.' 'Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz.' 'He's on a big case, not available for a wee

By Henny Youngman
A man goes to a barbershop and asks, 'How many ahead of me?' 'Five.' The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, 'How many ahead of me?' 'Four.' The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, 'How many ahead of me?' 'Six.' The man leaves, a

By Henny Youngman
A man goes to a psychiatrist. 'Nobody listens to me!' The doctor says, 'Next!'

By Henny Youngman
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, 'You're crazy' The man says, 'I want a second opinion!' 'Okay, you're ugly too!'

By Henny Youngman
A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ri

By Henny Youngman
A person asked me, 'How do you prepare for the stage?' I told her, 'Well, it's like this. You go to diction school. They teach you to fill your mouth with marbles and talk right through the marbles. Each day you take one marble out. When you've lost all y

By Henny Youngman
A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.

By Henny Youngman
A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

By Henny Youngman
A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? 'I was ironing, and the phone rang!' 'What about the other ear?' 'Had to call the doctor!'

By Henny Youngman
A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

By Henny Youngman
A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? 'It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!'

By Henny Youngman
A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!

By Henny Youngman
A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, 'How do you like it up here?' The priest says, 'If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini?' 'Yes.' 'Rosary, get th

By Henny Youngman
A tough guy told me, 'I'll bet you $10 you're dead.' I was afraid to bet him.

By Henny Youngman
A woman says to a man, 'I haven't seen you around here.' 'Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife.' 'So you're single!'

By Henny Youngman
A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. 'Who is it?' 'Blind man!' The woman opens the door. 'Where do you want these blinds, lady?'

By Henny Youngman
All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

By Henny Youngman
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass. The CO says, 'Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!' So the soldier com

By Henny Youngman
Another bum asked me, 'Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?' I told him, 'Coffee's a quarter!' The bum said, 'Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!'

By Henny Youngman
Another bum told me, 'I haven't tasted food all week.' I told him, 'Don't worry, it still tastes the same!'

By Henny Youngman
Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, 'Huh. I lost 100 pounds!'

By Henny Youngman
Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

By Henny Youngman
Doctor says to a man, 'You're pregnant!' The man says, 'How does a man get pregnant?' The doctor says, 'The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner....'

By Henny Youngman
During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

By Henny Youngman
Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

By Henny Youngman
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, 'Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami.' She said, 'We can't do that!' I told her, 'You did it last week!'

By Henny Youngman
God sneezed. I didn't know what to say to him!

By Henny Youngman
Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.

By Henny Youngman
He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.

By Henny Youngman
His motto is 'Love Thy Neighbor'. His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

By Henny Youngman
Hollywood called me, asking me, 'How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?' '$50,000' They called back, 'How about $20,000?' I said, 'I'll pay it!'

By Henny Youngman
How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O

By Henny Youngman
I asked a Jewish man, 'Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?' He said, 'Yes', and walked away.

By Henny Youngman
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'Somewhere I have never been!' I told her, 'How about the kitchen?'

By Henny Youngman
I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

By Henny Youngman
I came home, the car was in the dining room. 'How did you get the car in here?' 'Easy, I took a left at the kitchen.'

By Henny Youngman
I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, 'Which way do I go?' But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

By Henny Youngman
I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

By Henny Youngman
I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!

By Henny Youngman
I just finished my income tax forms. Who says you can't get wounded by a blank?

By Henny Youngman
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

By Henny Youngman
I know a guy who had his doctor say, 'Take some weight off, go to a health club.' The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

By Henny Youngman
I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

By Henny Youngman
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

By Henny Youngman
I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

By Henny Youngman
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

By Henny Youngman
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

By Henny Youngman
I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

By Henny Youngman
I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, 'Let's get up here before we get killed!'

By Henny Youngman
I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, 'What do you want?' 'A match' 'Why didn't you ask me?' 'I don't talk to strangers.'

By Henny Youngman
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

By Henny Youngman
If I had blood, I'd blush.

By Henny Youngman
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

By Henny Youngman
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

By Henny Youngman
I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.

By Henny Youngman
In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, 'Why didn't you walk down?' He said, 'because I was going up!'

By Henny Youngman
In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, 'We want Youngman! We want Youngman!' The coach says, 'Youngman - go see what they want!'

By Henny Youngman
Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?

By Henny Youngman
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me!

By Henny Youngman
I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

By Henny Youngman
Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

By Henny Youngman
My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, 'Crick'.

By Henny Youngman
My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

By Henny Youngman
My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

By Henny Youngman
My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, 'Cough!'

By Henny Youngman
My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

By Henny Youngman
My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says 'Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!'

By Henny Youngman
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

By Henny Youngman
My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

By Henny Youngman
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

By Henny Youngman
My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him.

By Henny Youngman
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

By Henny Youngman
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

By Henny Youngman
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

By Henny Youngman
My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, 'Where are you going?' My wife said, 'I must be late, everyone is all coming back!'

By Henny Youngman
My wife has a black belt in shopping.

By Henny Youngman
My wife is an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud.

By Henny Youngman
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!

By Henny Youngman
My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

By Henny Youngman
My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

By Henny Youngman
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

By Henny Youngman
Now, the band that inspired that great saying, 'Stop The Music!!'

By Henny Youngman
Nurse: 'Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office'. Doctor: 'Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.'

By Henny Youngman
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

By Henny Youngman
She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

By Henny Youngman
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said, 'There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down! So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.

By Henny Youngman
She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, 'Tut, Tut!'

By Henny Youngman
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late for the garbage?' 'No, jump in!'

By Henny Youngman
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

By Henny Youngman
She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

By Henny Youngman
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

By Henny Youngman
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

By Henny Youngman
Take my wife, please!

By Henny Youngman
That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

By Henny Youngman
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, 'Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.' Mrs. Cohen answered, 'So did my arthritis!'

By Henny Youngman
The doctor says to the patient, 'Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window'. 'What will that do?' asks the patient. The doctor says, 'I'm mad at my neighbor!'

By Henny Youngman
The Doctor says, 'You'll live to be 60!' 'I AM 60!' 'See, what did I tell you?'

By Henny Youngman
The food on the plane was fit for a king. 'Here, King!'

By Henny Youngman
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

By Henny Youngman
The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

By Henny Youngman
The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

By Henny Youngman
The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

By Henny Youngman
The patient says, 'Doctor, it hurts when I do this.' 'Then don't do that!'

By Henny Youngman
The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

By Henny Youngman
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

By Henny Youngman
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

By Henny Youngman
This man dresses like an unmade bed.

By Henny Youngman
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

By Henny Youngman
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

By Henny Youngman
Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

By Henny Youngman
Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

By Henny Youngman
Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.

By Henny Youngman
Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

By Henny Youngman
Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

By Henny Youngman
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

By Henny Youngman
Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

By Henny Youngman
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

By Henny Youngman
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

By Henny Youngman
Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!

By Henny Youngman
Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

By Henny Youngman
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

By Henny Youngman
You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

By Henny Youngman
You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

By Henny Youngman
You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

By Henny Youngman
I've read quotes that made me feel less than what I am. I feel so subtracted from. I need a calculator to add myself up. I'm not really good with math. by Val Brooklyn Rogers

By race_66val_yahoo
Jokes are not funny when someone is hurt by them. Best read them from books.

By SophieMaMa