Humorous Quotes

Big Z, little Z, what begins with Z? I do. I'm a zizzer zazzer zuzz, as you can plainly see.

By Anonymous
At one point, I thought that maybe humor was the best way to deal with it. I figured maybe I should get 12 old Jewish comedians, you know, Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner, to sit around a table and have them riff off 'The Protocols.

By Marc Levin
He is just a gem of a guy. A fabulous sense of humor.

By Bruce Hensley
I want to grow old without facelifts... I want to have the courage to be loyal to the face I've made. Sometimes I think it would be easier to avoid old age, to die young, but then you'd never complete your life, would you? You'd never wholly know you.

By Anonymous
Everybody enjoys being around him. He's got a great sense of humor and can always make people laugh.

By Jeff Tedford
Humor is a whisper from the soul, imploring mind and body to relax, let go and be at peace again.

By Source Unknown
If you really look at humor, that's what most of it is anyway. Somebody wisecracking at somebody else. Putting them down. If you look at all the sitcoms, that's all sitcoms are today. Things never change. Sardonic, sarcastic humor is always prevalent. It's hard to do something funny without being that way. It's classier if you didn't have to resort to it, I think.

By Johnny Hart
I hope you're all Republicans.

By Ronald Reagan
I'm not much for screaming or yelling. Sometimes I use humor, sometimes I get real blunt. I'm probably not the easiest person to play for.

By Karl Smesko
Keep your sense of humor. There's enough stress in the rest of your life to let bad shots ruin a game you're supposed to enjoy.

By Amy Alcott
Just tell yourself, Duckie, your real quite lucky.

By Anonymous
One should never risk a joke, even of the mildest and most unexceptional charters, except among people of culture and wit.

By Jean Bruyere
Not here not there not anywhere!

By Anonymous
People had a habit of looking at me as if I were some kind of mirror instead of a person. They didn't see me, they saw their own lewd thoughts, then they white-masked themselves by calling me the lewd one.

By Anonymous
Oh, the humor! It's hysterical. And it's smart and goofy at the same time, kind of like a Neil Simon play or a Mel Brooks movie. I read it over and over again, and it changed me in the way of storytelling, seeing things differently.

By Rosie Perez
Managing to have a sense of humor makes it a lot easier to manage people

By Steve Wilson
Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot-tall RAT!

By Anonymous
Learning music by reading about it is like making love by mail.

By Luciano Pavarotti
It's a very savage kind of humor, it comes out of a great deal of pain.

By Martin Scorsese
Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't. A sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is.

By Horace Walpole
I saw Sharp Humor break sharp so I just followed him.

By Edgar Prado
Humor is my mechanism for dealing with the hard reality of the world.

By Dick Skrinjar
Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.

By Victor Borge
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritation and resentments slip away, and a sunny spirit takes their place.

By Anonymous
Humor results when society says you can't scratch certain things in public, but they itch in public.

By Tom Walsh
I believe that economists put decimal points in their forecasts to show they have a sense of humor.

By William Simms
He does have, underneath a sort of serious exterior, a really wonderful sense of humor, ... It rarely shows itself in the trial lawyer mode, but it certainly does in personal relationships.

By George Freeman
But we are at war, and we here at THE DAILY SHOW will do our best to keep you informed of any late-breaking...humor we can find. Of course, our show is obviously at a disadvantage compared to the many news sources that we're competing with at a disadvantage in several respects. For one thing, we are fake. They are not. So in terms of credibility we are, well, oddly enough, actually about even. We're about even.

By Jon Stewart
But now, says the Once-ler, now that you're here, the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear. UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not.

By Anonymous
Chemistry is important and I think humor is important. We're looking for somebody who can do the interviews and also the hot topics at the beginning of the show.

By Barbara Walters
Womens humor is part of the revolution.

By Dale Spender
What some people invent the rest enlarge.

By Anonymous
There are two insults no human being will endure: that he has no sense of humor, and that he has never known trouble

By Sinclair Lewis
The storm starts, when the drops start dropping When the drops stop dropping then the storm starts stopping.

By Anonymous
The only people flying to Europe will be terrorists, so it will be, Will you be sitting in armed or unarmed?

By Anonymous
The only way I can make a Jim Carrey face is through Novocain at the dentists office.

By Sasha Azevedo
I drive people crazy with deep questions and they drive me crazy with shallow answers.

By davidinteriors
«Blessed is he, who smiles sweet as a nut, that he greets you all not with a shotgun.»--Ernesto Pangilinan Santiago

By Ernesto_P_Santiago
She's as pure and clean as the driven snow...if the snow was driven by Charlie Sheen in a coal truck.

By markpringle
Some of my favorite James Brown hits...if he were Jewish. - Living in the West Bank - It's A Hasidic World - Papa's Got A Brand New Bag of Hebrew National Beef Franks - Make My Frontlet Band Funky - Say It Loud-I'm Jewish And I'm Proud - I Got Ants In My Pants (And I Want To Bar Mitzvah)

By markpringle
You have to have sufication insurance to get between theses boobs or thighs

By biganah
we all are educated illiterates.

By bikelover1352
the whole world is stupid, and i am someone out of the world!!!

By bikelover1352
don't tell me that sky is the limit, when there are footprints on moon!!! -anonymous

By bikelover1352
I like work - I can sit and watch it for hours!

By Robert_L_Hinshaw
I sometimes get so angry I could throw rocks at a hearse, and you have to be mighty upset to do that!

By Robert_L_Hinshaw
She has everything a man desires! A mustache, huge biceps and a pickup truck!

By Robert_L_Hinshaw
I'm so deep into you, and no wonder why I always feel like I'm in some deep s***! -Dec 2011

By Syed_Amaan_Ahmad
I have inspired and motivated a lot of people, including myself.

By Syed_Amaan_Ahmad
You're a b**** only when you bark, and not when you lick or bite!

By Syed_Amaan_Ahmad
I am very horny right now, and I see the Indian Government as one desperate, lonely and sexy girl, seducing me!

By Syed_Amaan_Ahmad
Currently, getting gang-f***** by the most (un)wanted rapists--- confusion, depression, solitude, fear and gloom, as each one of them reaches their orgasms f***ing me... Woah, I am too hot for them!

By Syed_Amaan_Ahmad
In god we thrust, expectations!

By Syed_Amaan_Ahmad
FB Timeline is like that regretful sex that at first, out of curiosity and restlessness, you give in, and then later, regret for life for f***ing up with a wrong person.

By Syed_Amaan_Ahmad
If your lies are the best, then the best profession for you would either be of a lawyer or a writer.

By Syed_Amaan_Ahmad
Mein Kampf and The Story of My Experiments with the Truth lay together and the former screams violently,come, ravage me brutally with no mercy, again and again while the later, with tears and helplessness, chokes and whispers, No, please no, I beg of you, stay away.

By Syed_Amaan_Ahmad
I'm always uncomfortable; it's always freaky and weird to be around with all the moms of all my female friends that I've. Although the aunties are sweet to me, but their eyes reveal their deepest desire to scream this on my face, Amaan, the Kameena.

By Syed_Amaan_Ahmad
If I were Hitler, instead of Jews I would be eliminating the race of stupids f***ing dumb idiots.

By Syed_Amaan_Ahmad
@William Blake: I apologize, Sir; you're one big disappointment! I've cherished only The Songs of Innocence and some other(s) but the entire stuff couldn't drag or pull. And next time when you write, kindly do not disappoint me. Thank you very much, Sir!

By Syed_Amaan_Ahmad
If you like being hated, become a politician!

By poptop
Height of Typo! TUP's poster was prepared as: Get Laid before getting hired! (Instead of Get Paid before getting hired!)

By Syed_Amaan_Ahmad
So little you knew about this warrior but now it seems too late to chase after the opposer

By Amadu
There is a huge difference between call me, b***h and call me b***h

By Syed_Amaan_Ahmad
I know, I know and I know. Many of my employees so badly wish to choke me to death due to many unexplained reasons, yet they smile and their long-desire ends in a helpless sigh, Well, you're the boss! But in their minds, they scream, F***ING A**HOLE!

By Syed_Amaan_Ahmad
Angry 17th Century Person: O' lady, thou art a fornicating soul as thou lack sense as thy cranium is fornicated! I plead, fade away, for kindness sake. Farewell! F***ed up 21st Century Person: B**ch-please, you're f***ing dumb and your mind is f***ed up, leave me the f*** alone for f***-sake. F*** off!

By Syed_Amaan_Ahmad
Awh something got stuck in my tooth, and it was bothering me big-time; and then I munched you like chewing gum and when it got out, I spat you out

By Syed_Amaan_Ahmad
I said, I wish I could adopt all the animals and live with them. She said, Dont adopt them but instead go and live in the Zoo or Jungle, that would be the best option.

By Syed_Amaan_Ahmad
Love, thou art a hopeless b**ch; cometh with intensity and f**keth thyself away in jiffy. F**k thee!

By Syed_Amaan_Ahmad
Your prayers/requests will be answered. I am not like other gods who keep their devotees wait for years...gods and Indian justice system are alike...judges and gods are brothers-in-arms... mere ghar der nahi hai lekin andher hai :P

By Syed_Amaan_Ahmad
the easiest game is to make mistakes, only rule of this game is never tremble during play.

By akewusola_habib
Show me a preacher who does not screw his way into deep pockets, and I will show you a hooker who does not screw

By TrEversole
Security knows no man Sincerity makes a better society.

By akewusola_habib
Ghetto graduated-college educated.

By BambiLynn
Do I look like an ape to you? No wait, don't answer that.

By argylle1
Neither the spoon nor the plate knows the sweetness of the soup.

By jared_ooko
Data will never travel faster than rumors.

By sleete99
Party hard, die on the f***ing floor, and wake up in hell and murmur to the girl next to you in bed with a hangover in the middle of the day, uhmm where am I? And who are you? and then next you hear is, GET THE FUCK OUT, RIGHT NOW

By Syed_Amaan_Ahmad
Heights of Boredom: Watching Harry Potter series and napping a million times while watching. I am on 4th part and I dont remember anything at all. I am literally yawning as I am typing this. Great remedy for my insomnia. Thanks to Rowling and others. I owe my sleep to you guys!

By Syed_Amaan_Ahmad
There is nothing worse for a man than to hide behind a woman's skirt when he was meant to hide in a hole. © G. Venetopoulos

By Giorgio_Veneto
A good man is meant to be a winner. A bad loser was meant to be a man. © G. Venetopoulos

By Giorgio_Veneto
My Life is like a TV sitcom...minus the laugh track.

By kjforce
Sometimes my life is like a wheel, going round and round.. only difference I don't go anywhere.

By kjforce
Grandchildren...The opportunity to do again, what you missed the first time around.

By kjforce
I call my Husband my ROCK ..because when I speak to him, it's like talking to a rock.

By kjforce
I am not saying I am perfect and have all the answers...but I defy you to find anything wrong with what I just quoted.

By kjforce
Love to some means never having to say... I'm sorry, excuse me, please, thank you , pardon me, OOPS, and my favorite.... can I help ? ( b4 you have completed the task )...

By kjforce
Spring has Sprung, my nose does say, SOW now go and Sneeze the Day ..

By kjforce
Jesebang ang rongjayw benifrai bangsin lwgwao dukukowsw ang lafayw.

By Ronjoy
If. It ain't broke try to. Fix it anyway. You might improve it. A little improvement never hurt anyone. But then again.......It's not likely that I studied the entire history of improvements so you'd. Better look up that last quote. Val Brooklyn Rogers

By race_66val_yahoo
All my original quotes are FOOD for THOUGHT...without any WEIGHT gain ...

By kjforce
Memory has a habit of taking flight the moment the present becomes the past

By Madchen863
The mouth is a shovel that will dig you in deep -- When there are things to yourself you should keep

By Madchen863
Every film or drama, no matter based on sad, happy or humorous story has its end. Similarly, life events, and affairs of any kind have an end. Nothing is forever.

By abu
Hell hath no fury, like a Woman who has already lived there...

By kjforce
Don't play with me, I'm a GROWN-UP. Val Brooklyn Rogers

By race_66val_yahoo
She was filled with Joy when he asked her to marry..then Joy was the reason for the divorce..

By kjforce
It took four and a half hours, for my identical twin sister and I to agree on one t-shirt we would both wear

By SophieMaMa
There is nothing humorous about people falling down and yet here I sit mesmerized by the TV show, America's Funniest Home videos, and what am I watching?

By SophieMaMa