Funny Quotes

You'll get tired of chickens, Louie.

By Neil Jordan
Wit is a weapon. Jokes are a masculine way of inflicting superiority. But humour is the pursuit of a gentle grin, usually in solitude.

By Frank Muir
What a sad business, being funny.

By Charlie Chaplin
We should omit a main attraction in these books, if we said nothing of their humor. Of this indispensable pledge of sanity, without some leave...

By Henry David Thoreau
We used chamber-pots a good deal.... My mother ... loved to repeat: 'When did the queen reign over China?' This whimsical and harmless scatolo...

By Angela Carter
Well, children, enjoy this all you can, for in four years you may begin to walk over again.

By William Howard Taft
To a joke, then, I owe my first gleam of consciousness—which again has recapitulatory implications, since the first creatures on earth to be...

By Vladimir Nabokov
There is, I confess, a hazard to the philosophical analysis of humor. If one rereads the passages that have been analyzed, one may no longer b...

By A.P. Martinich
There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them.

By Robert Benchley
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself, but in so doing, he identifies him...

By James Thurber
There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could...

By H.L. Mencken
There are one or two rules, Half-a-dozen, maybe,...

By Sir William Schwenck Gilbert
The self-consciousness of Pine Ridge manifests itself at the village's edge in such signs as 'Drive Keerful,' 'Don't Hit Our Young 'uns,' and ...

By Administration in the State of Arka
The overwhelming majority of Americans are possessed of two great qualities—a sense of humor and a sense of proportion.

By Franklin D. Roosevelt
The hall-mark of American humour is its pose of illiteracy.

By Ronald Knox
She does not realize that the only difference between us is that she is on one stage and I on another. I feel that I am acting just as much as...

By William Howard Taft
Rabelais, for instance, is intolerable; one chapter is better than a volume,—it may be sport to him, but it is death to us. A mere humorist,...

By Henry David Thoreau
Roosevelt could always keep ahead with his work, but I cannot do it, and I know it is a grievous fault, but it is too late to remedy it. The c...

By William Howard Taft
Oh! a private buffoon is a light-hearted loon, If you listen to popular rumour;...

By Sir William Schwenck Gilbert
One might feel that, at my age, I should look on life with more gravity. After all, I've been privileged to listen, firsthand, to some of the ...

By Anita Loos
Never say a humorous thing to a man who does not possess humour. He will always use it in evidence against you.

By Herbert Beerbohm, Sir
Most of the time she had the personality of the back wall of a handball court.

By Alexander Theroux
Mirth is like a flash of lightning, that breaks through a gloom of clouds, and glitters for a moment; cheerfulness keeps up a kind of daylight...

By Joseph Addison
It will be agreed that the essential difference between humour and wit is that, whereas wit is always intentional, humour is always unintentio...

By Harold Nicolson
Is that you, John Wayne? Is this me?

By Stanley Kubrick
I'm funny how? I mean funny like I'm a clown, like I amuse you? I make you laugh, like I'm here to fuckin' amuse you?

By Nicholas Pileggi
I thank those who were good enough to say something pleasant about the incoming administration, for I am glad to get it now. I heard of the ma...

By William Howard Taft
I think my wife ... is sure of my loyalty.... She knows how hard I work. She knows how tired I am every night. She knows I have fifty or sixty...

By Jimmy Carter
I used to think that everything was just being funny but now I don't know. I mean, how can you tell?

By Andy Warhol
I laugh with the Parcæ only.

By Henry David Thoreau
Humor does not wear well. It is commonly enough said, that a joke will not bear repeating. The deepest humor will not keep. Humors do not circ...

By Henry David Thoreau
Humor has been a fashioning instrument in America, cleaving its way through the national life, holding tenaciously to the spread elements of t...

By Constance Rourke
Humor inspires sympathetic, good-natured laughter and is favored by the 'healing power' gang. Wit goes for the jugular, not the jocular, and i...

By Florence King
Humor is not a mood but a way of looking at the world. So if it is correct to say that humor was stamped out in Nazi Germany, that does not me...

By Ludwig Wittgenstein
Humor is the mask of wisdom.

By Friedrich Dürrenmatt
Humor, a good sense of it, is to Americans what manhood is to Spaniards and we will go to great lengths to prove it. Experiments with laborato...

By Garrison Keillor
Humor, however broad and genial, takes a narrower view than enthusiasm.

By Henry David Thoreau
Humour is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

By Edward De Bono
Humour is the describing the ludicrous as it is in itself; wit is the exposing it, by comparing or contrasting it with something else. Humour ...

By William Hazlitt
Humour is the making others act or talk absurdly and unconsciously; wit is the pointing out and ridiculing that absurdity consciously, and wit...

By William Hazlitt
Good taste and humour are a contradiction in terms, like a chaste whore.

By Malcolm Muggeridge
Freud makes much of the distinction between jokes which just barely make sense, and those whose main value lies in the sense they make. He cal...

By Max Eastman
Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of Humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

By Mark Twain
Even Nature is observed to have her playful moods or aspects, of which man sometimes seems to be the sport.

By Henry David Thoreau
Every American, to the last man, lays claim to a 'sense' of humor and guards it as his most significant spiritual trait, yet rejects humor as ...

By E.B. White
Carlyle's humor is vigorous and titanic, and has more sense in it than the sober philosophy of many another. It is not to be disposed of by la...

By Henry David Thoreau
Bless your heart, they don't mind—they're exceedingly kind— They don't blame you—as long as you're funny!

By Sir William Schwenck Gilbert
Any discussion of the problems of being funny in America will not make sense unless we substitute the word wit for humor. Humor inspires sympa...

By Florence King
Among all kinds of Writing, there is none in which Authors are more apt to miscarry than in Works of Humour, as there is none in which they ar...

By Joseph Addison
Anything that makes you laugh. But the finest sort draws a tear along with the laugh.

By George Bernard Shaw
All my humor is based upon destruction and despair. If the whole world were tranquil, without disease and violence, I'd be standing on the bre...

By Lenny Bruce
A laughing Lear would be monstrous. Not so a laughing Romeo and Juliet.

By Mason Cooley
A sense of humour keen enough to show a man his own absurdities as well as those of other people will keep a man from the commission of all si...

By Samuel Butler
A difference of tastes in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

By George Eliot
'To my thinking' boomed the Professor, begging the question as usual, 'the greatest triumph of the human mind was the calculation of Neptune f...

By Samuel Beckett
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. Funny

By George Bernard Shaw
A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. Funny

By H. L. Mencken
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. Funny

By Steven Wright
Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward. Funny

By Marilyn vos Savant
By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. Funny

By Mark Twain
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. Funny

By Steven Wright
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. Funny

By Steven Wright
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. Funny

By Steven Wright
Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. Funny

By Victor Hugo
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. Funny

By Mark Twain
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Funny

By Mark Twain
Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering. Funny

By Marilyn vos Savant
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it. Funny

By Mark Twain
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. Funny

By Steven Wright
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. Funny

By Steven Wright
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Funny

By Steven Wright
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do. Funny

By Will Rogers
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. Funny

By Bertrand Russell
I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago. Funny

By Will Rogers
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. Funny

By Dave Barry
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. Funny

By H. L. Mencken
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. Funny

By H. L. Mencken
Oh, the tiger will love you. There is no sincerer love than the love of food. Funny

By George Bernard Shaw
Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children. Funny

By Samuel Butler
Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. Funny

By Ronald Reagan
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. Funny

By Dave Barry
The superfluous, a very necessary thing. Funny

By Voltaire
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist. Funny

By Mark Twain
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. Funny

By Albert Einstein
We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience. Funny

By George Bernard Shaw
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. Funny

By Albert Einstein
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. Funny

By Benjamin Franklin
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

By Mae West
Humor does not rescue us from unhappiness, but enables us to move back from it a little.

By Mason Cooley
It is well known that Beauty does not look with a good grace on the timid advances of Humour.

By W. Somerset Maugham
Probably it is impossible for humor to be ever a revolutionary weapon. Candide can do little more than generate irony.

By Lionel Trilling
Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

By Mark Twain
The comic is the perception of the opposite; humor is the feeling of it.

By Umberto Eco
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

By Groucho Marx
I like pickles

By lanceperryman
Being mentally challenge is very challenging

By BjQuote
It takes a lot of animal tested make-up to look this natural.

By BIGKID
«Your anger is nothing compared to match sticks and a penis; they both have heads and no brains, and enjoy staying in the dark, but in the slightest rub they easily flare up!»--Ernesto Pangilinan Santiago

By Ernesto_P_Santiago
I like to polka!

By lanceperryman
It all comes down to just one thing......chocolate

By Paula_Swanson
I have been to a lot of places, but I have never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go there alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport, you have to be driven there. I've made several trips and am planning one in the near future...

By Paula_Swanson
Well, That didn't go as planned. Break out the Band-aids!

By Paula_Swanson
Today's excuses from some of my employees: 1) I am irritated so I cant work today 2) My baby is not well, can I work tomorrow? 3) I AM IN A ROCK CONCERT!

By Syed_Amaan_Ahmad
Year 2001 Enrique's Hero: ...now would you die for the one you love... Year 2011 Latest version: ... Now would you kill the one who loves you, for the one you love? :P

By Syed_Amaan_Ahmad
A famous man holds a guy's collar and screams, Do you know who I am? The guy spits on the ground, smirks and replies, Yeah, a f***in' asshole

By Syed_Amaan_Ahmad
Insanity is just a Revenge but madness is excess wisdom

By Amadu
Almost 29 years ago (June 14, 1983), when I popped out, I said, Oh F**k! Did I just take birth? and then wept in a slow-motion-melliflous-cry faaa--aaaackkk....faaaa---aaaack....faaa---aaa----acccckk

By Syed_Amaan_Ahmad
I am (in) The Unknown Pain

By Syed_Amaan_Ahmad
a Muddy world muds, so don't go Muddy Mad - Kofi Asokwa-Nkansah

By Kofi_Asokwa-Nkansah
I am up for adoption! Any kitten/cat looking for an insane poet/writer/confused retard with MPAPDs? PS: I am done with kittens/cats. Everybody leaves... no matter how much you love 'em....

By Syed_Amaan_Ahmad
the day you notice my Madness also note that I have managed to drive you safely to destination INSANITY - Kofi Asokwa-Nkansah

By Kofi_Asokwa-Nkansah
Don't be Terrible when Troubled, to avoid a Terrible Trouble - Kofi Asokwa-Nkansah

By Kofi_Asokwa-Nkansah
Intrigued about Madness? Dare and Cross far-off that line to join. You are Stacked! True Madness recognises nothing thoughtless a thin-line to crossover, back here. _ (mad n lost) - Kofi Asokwa-Nkansah

By Kofi_Asokwa-Nkansah
QuoteSoup quenches my brain thirst just as I quench my throat thirst with a bowl of fufu and Goat-Soup - Kofi Asokwa-Nkansah

By Kofi_Asokwa-Nkansah
a Week break breaks the Weak _ laziness - Kofi Asokwa-Nkansah

By Kofi_Asokwa-Nkansah
'' a Sound Sleep is a definite assurance on keeping Dreams alive, Wake up '' - Kofi Asokwa-Nkansah

By Kofi_Asokwa-Nkansah
Buy everything Chinese but dont buy chinese food because nothing in there is natural.)

By micriches
I stump stupid.

By BambiLynn
If you spend all your time in limbo, you end up bending over backwards for everyone.

By K-FOAG
Two heads are better than one. Except if you called tails.

By K-FOAG
If someone steals your thunder, it shouldn't be too hard to track 'em down.

By K-FOAG
A Sugar Daddy has the same meaning to a child and a 21 year old female.. A sweet, soft, sucker

By kjforce
Is God so severe that he would bestow us the cruelest life irony, that the reward for living long is getting old?

By Rustle
A fool is not as damaging as a liar, but the damage caused by a fool who is also a liar can terrify even God.

By abu
Have you ever seen a fool. If not, just look the mirror, you may know.

By abu
Please, be sweet to tweet, but do not cheat that is not the way to meet.

By abu
At the end of the day - it gets dark.

By Billious
Wikipedia is the best place for poor grammar.

By abu
I am a chairperson, but without the chair.

By abu
I am going to marry in the aged of the golden age, I adore taking such risks, it does not matter if any companion throws me on the street, but I do not stop, I will try next. It is the determination of my life.

By abu
Have you ever noticed, and realised the typo within the YouTube than Your-Tube.

By abu
The constipation is not an easy process: it is as you go through the birth of a child every day.

By abu
Today I am doing nothing, is my doing.

By abu
If we were exactly alike, we still would find something to argue about.

By SophieMaMa
If you want to see me turn into baby fit mode, play Monopoly with me and win.

By SophieMaMa