Deadwood Quotes

Al Swearengen: You want a blow job while I talk to you?
Judge: No.
Al Swearengen: I wasn't offering personally.

TV Show: Deadwood
Al Swearengen: Be in my joint in two hours, we're forming a ****in' government.

TV Show: Deadwood
Al Swearengen: Sometimes I wish we could just hit 'em over the head, rob 'em, and throw their bodies in the creek.
Cy Tolliver: But that would be wrong.

TV Show: Deadwood
Al Swearengen: Welcome to ****ing Deadwood!

TV Show: Deadwood
Doc Cochran: I see as much misery outta them movin' to justify theirselves as them that set out to do harm.

TV Show: Deadwood
Sol Star: Dulled faculties!

TV Show: Deadwood
Jack McCall: Should we shake hands or something, relieve the atmosphere? I mean how stupid do you think I am?
Bill Hickok: I don't know, I just met you.

TV Show: Deadwood
Seth Bullock: We got chamber pots to sell ya. And if you don't know what one of those is, the man livin' next to you will appreciate your findin' out.

TV Show: Deadwood
Merrick: [To Charlie about Wild Bill Hickok] What a grand surprise. I never thought he'd live long enough for me to meet him.

TV Show: Deadwood
Al Swearengen: Well, I guess when it starts pissin' rain in here, you know who to blame, huh? Now, I know word's circulatin' Indians killed a family on the Spearfish Road. Now it's not for me to tell anyone in this camp what to do, as much as I don't want more people gettin' their throats cut, scalps lifted or any other godless thing that these godless bloodthirsty heathens do. Or even if someone wants to ride out in darkest night. But I will tell you this. I'd use tonight to get myself organized. Ride out in the morning clear-headed. And startin' tomorrow morning, I will offer a personal $50 bounty for every decapitated head of as many of these godless heathen cocksuckers as anyone can bring in. Tomorrow. With no upper limit! That's all I say on that subject, 'cept next round's on the house. And God rest the souls of that poor family. And pussy's half price, next 15 minutes.

TV Show: Deadwood
Al Swearengen: Let her go; she ain't taking any business with her. And don't forget to kill Tim.

TV Show: Deadwood
Calamity Jane: Is it true? Indians killin' white people?
Dan: That's the sewer mouth that follows Hickok around.
Calamity Jane: Why are we standin' here?
Guy: Ridin' out tomorrow, daybreak.
Calamity Jane: Oh, really? Tomorrow. What's your fuckin' rush?! I'm goin' now. Even without Bill. Even without Charlie. I know the road to Spearfish. And I don't drink where I'm the only fuckin' one with balls!

TV Show: Deadwood
Doc Cochran: I see as much misery outta them movin’ to justify their selves as them that set out to do harm.

TV Show: Deadwood
Al Swearengen: Let's leave it all alone. I'm stupidest when I try to be funny.

TV Show: Deadwood
Al Swearengen: You don't want to interfere with me.
Calamity Jane: You think I'm scared of you?
Al Swearengen: Sure you are. And if I take a knife to you you'll be scared worse and a long time dying.

TV Show: Deadwood
Bill Hickok: If irritating me is the jackpot, you got the job done.

TV Show: Deadwood
Reverend Smith: Men like Mr. Seth Bullock there raise the camp up.
Johnny: Yeah, the fella to be put in that box might argue with you, Reverend.
Reverend Smith: Ah, Mr. Bullock did not draw first. And I, point to his commissioning me to build the departed a coffin and, and see to his Christian burial.

TV Show: Deadwood
Jack McCall: [While playing poker] Well, that's one in a row for you, Wild Bill. Who's hungry? What in the hell damn time is it anyway?
Wild Bill: Sure you wanna quit playin', Jack? The game's all that's between you and gettin' called a cunt.
Tom Nuttall: Ah, meeting adjourned, fellas. Take it outside.
Wild Bill: That drooped eye of yours looks like the hood of a cunt to me, Jack. When you talk, your mouth looks like a cunt moving.
Jack McCall: I ain't gonna get in no gunfight with you, Hickock.
Wild Bill: But you will run your cunt mouth at me. And I will take it to play poker.

TV Show: Deadwood
Al Swearengen: [during a meeting with Johnny Burns, E.B. Farnum, and Jimmy Irons] I wanna know who cut the cheese. [nobody answers] I'll tell you this for openers: we are gonna set off an area on the balcony. [opens the door to the balcony] And God help whoever doesn't use it, because the next stink I have to smell in this office, and whoever doesn't admit to it is going out the window, into the muck, onto their fucking heads, and we'll see how they like farting from that position, okay?

TV Show: Deadwood
Al Swearengen: [discussing Custer at Little Bighorn] I'll tell you this, son, you can mark my words, Crazy Horse went into Little Bighorn, bought his people one good, long-term ass-fucking. You do not want to be a dirt-worshipping heathen from this fucking point forward. Pardon my French.
Joanie Stubbs: Oh, I speak French.

TV Show: Deadwood
Brom Garret: If I'm stooped when next you see me, Alma, it won't be worry weighing me down, but bags of our recovered gold.
Alma Garret: If you wish to see more of the West let's leave now and see it, or else return back to New York. I don't think we should linger here.

TV Show: Deadwood
Al Swearengen: Every fuckin’ beatin’ I’m grateful for. Every fuckin’ one of them. Get all the trust beat outta you. And you know what the fuckin’ world is.

TV Show: Deadwood
Wild Bill Hickock: [on prospecting] What slows me down is thinking about freezing my balls off in a creek for the cocksuckers I'd lose the gold to at poker.

TV Show: Deadwood
Cy Tolliver: How about a nap, a bath and sex with a unfamiliar woman?

TV Show: Deadwood
Wild Bill Hickok: Some goddamn point a man's due to stop arguing with hisself and feeling twice the goddamn fool he knows he is 'cause he can't be something he tries to be every goddamn day without once getting to dinnertime and fucking it up. I don't want to fight it no more, understand me Charlie? — and I don't need you pissing in my ear about it. Will you let me go to hell the way I want to?
Charlie Utter: Yeah. I can do that.

TV Show: Deadwood
Al Swearengen: Her husband came here with childish ideas. Bought himself a gold claim with me an honest broker. Claim pinches out, which will happen. But he can't take that like a man, has to blame somebody. Seller's left camp, so he picks on me. Says he'll bring in the Pinkertons if I don't offer restitution. I got a healthy operation and I didn’t build it brooding on the right, and wrong of things. I do not need the Pinkertons descending like locusts. So I bend over for the tenderfoot cocksucker. Reconnoiter your claim fully, I say. And then, if you're still unhappy, I will give you your fucking money back. And the tenderfoot agrees. Just as he's finishing his reconnoiter, cocksucker falls to his death, pure fucking accident. But up jumps the widow in righteous fucking indignation. Wants the doctor to examine him for murder wounds. My visions of locusts return. I see Pinkertons coming in swarms.

TV Show: Deadwood
Wild Bill Hickok: You know the sound of thunder, don't you, Mrs. Garrett?
Alma Garrett: Of course.
Wild Bill Hickok: Can you imagine that sound if I asked you to?
Alma Garrett: Yes I can, Mr. Hickok.
Wild Bill Hickok: ' Your husband and me had this talk, and I told him to head home to avoid a dark result. But I didn't say it in thunder. Ma'am, listen to the thunder.

TV Show: Deadwood
Doc Cochran: I don't know if this is the time for you to stop takin' this laudanum, Mrs. Garrett.
Alma Garret: What a pleasant surprise, doctor. To hear you admit the limits of your knowledge.

TV Show: Deadwood
Al Swearengen: Let me say this once in your hearing. For outright stupidity, the whole fuckin' trial concept goes shoulder to shoulder with that cocksucker Custer's thinkin' when he headed for that ridge.
Cy Tolliver: It's got its disadvantages.
Al Swearengen: We’re illegal. Our whole goal is to get annexed to the United fuckin' States. We start holdin' trials, what's to keep the United States fuckin' Congress from sayin' "Oh, excuse us, we didn't realize you were a fuckin' sovereign community and nation out there. Where's your cocksucker's flag? Where's your fuckin’ navy or the like? Maybe when we make our treaty with the Sioux, we should treat you people like renegade fuckin' Indians. Deny your fuckin' gold and property claims. And hand everything over instead to our ne'er-do-well cousins and brothers-in-law."
Cy Tolliver: That we don't want.

TV Show: Deadwood
Al Swearengen: Before a guilty verdict would get executed on that cocksucker, three men would walk in that meat locker where he's bein' held with bags over their heads and cut his fuckin' throat. And within half an hour, that celestial's little pigs will be on their backs with their hooves in the air, belching up human remains.
Judge: Are you saying you'd order that to be done?
Al Swearengen: I'm sayin' I had a vision it'd happen. My second of the day. First come when I was watchin' you and them lawyers on line this morning. They began to slither in my sight like vipers. So as not to puke, I had to close my eyes. The vision went on. Got worse. I saw the vipers in the big nest in Washington. They were takin' us in the camp for actin' like we could set out own laws up or organizations and then saw the big viper decide to strangle and swallow us up every fuckin' thing we gain here. It was horrible. How could we fuckin' avoid it? How could we let the vipers in the big nest know that we didn’t wanna cause any fuckin' trouble?
Judge: And that's when you had your second vision.
Al Swearengen: Yeah, the cut throats and the pigs. But who wants all that blood spilled, judge, huh? Isn't there a simpler way of not pissing off the big vipers?

TV Show: Deadwood