Jokes Quotes. Below are examples of popular Jokes quotes. These great quotes about Jokes come from famous people and QuoteSoup members. QuoteSoup is a great resource for Jokes quotes. Share these sayings and quotations with friends.

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"You look like a talent scout for a cemetery."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"You have a nice personality, but not for a human being."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!"

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?"

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?"

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!"

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"This man dresses like an unmade bed."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!"

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"The patient says, 'Doctor, it hurts when I do this.' 'Then don't do that!'"

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"The more I think of you, the less I think of you."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"The food on the plane was fit for a king. 'Here, King!'"

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"The Doctor says, 'You'll live to be 60!' 'I AM 60!' 'See, what did I tell you?'"

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"The doctor says to the patient, 'Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window'. 'What will that do?' asks the patient. The doctor says, 'I'm mad at my neighbor!'"

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, 'Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.' Mrs. Cohen answered, 'So did my arthritis!'"

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!"

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"Take my wife, please!"

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late for the garbage?' 'No, jump in!'"

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, 'Tut, Tut!'"

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said, 'There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down! So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"She has a wash and wear bridal gown."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"Nurse: 'Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office'. Doctor: 'Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.'"

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"Now, the band that inspired that great saying, 'Stop The Music!!'"

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!"

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"My wife is an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"My wife has a black belt in shopping."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, 'Where are you going?' My wife said, 'I must be late, everyone is all coming back!'"

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!"

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says 'Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!'"

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, 'Cough!'"

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, 'Crick'."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!"

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?"

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me!"

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?"

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, 'We want Youngman! We want Youngman!' The coach says, 'Youngman - go see what they want!'"

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, 'Why didn't you walk down?' He said, 'because I was going up!'"

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"If I had blood, I'd blush."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, 'What do you want?' 'A match' 'Why didn't you ask me?' 'I don't talk to strangers.'"

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, 'Let's get up here before we get killed!'"

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"I know a guy who had his doctor say, 'Take some weight off, go to a health club.' The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!"

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"I just finished my income tax forms. Who says you can't get wounded by a blank?"

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!"

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, 'Which way do I go?' But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race..."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"I came home, the car was in the dining room. 'How did you get the car in here?' 'Easy, I took a left at the kitchen.'"

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'Somewhere I have never been!' I told her, 'How about the kitchen?'"

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"I asked a Jewish man, 'Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?' He said, 'Yes', and walked away."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O"

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"Hollywood called me, asking me, 'How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?' '$50,000' They called back, 'How about $20,000?' I said, 'I'll pay it!'"

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"His motto is 'Love Thy Neighbor'. His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"God sneezed. I didn't know what to say to him!"

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, 'Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami.' She said, 'We can't do that!' I told her, 'You did it last week!'"

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look."

jokes quote by Henny Youngman

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"I've read quotes that made me feel less than what I am. I feel so subtracted from. I need a calculator to add myself up. I'm not really good with math. by Val Brooklyn Rogers"

jokes quote by race.66val@yahoo

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