Woody Allen Quotes

Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.

By Woody Allen

Today I saw a red and yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday too, and it rained.

By Woody Allen

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

By Woody Allen

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

By Woody Allen

A Bay Area Bisexual told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.

By Woody Allen

In perpetrating a revolution, there are two requirements: someone or something to revolt against and someone to actually show up and do the revolting. Dress is usually casual and both parties may be flexible about time and place, but if either faction fails to attend, the whole enterprise is likely to come off badly.

By Woody Allen

If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.

By Woody Allen

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he wouldn't be able to stop throwing up.

By Woody Allen

I believe there is something out there watching over us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

By Woody Allen

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

By Woody Allen

My one regret in life is that I'm not someone else.

By Woody Allen

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

By Woody Allen

It shows exactly what you can do if you're a total psychotic.

By Woody Allen

I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final. You know, I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

By Woody Allen

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she would come in and sink my boats.

By Woody Allen

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

By Woody Allen

I don't believe in an afterlife, but I'm taking an extra pair of underwear just in case.

By Woody Allen

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot.

By Woody Allen

A man that has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings.

By Woody Allen

I don't mind dying as long as I am not there when it happens.

By Woody Allen

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

By Woody Allen

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

By Woody Allen

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

By Woody Allen

I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.

By Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

By Woody Allen

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

By Woody Allen

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

By Woody Allen

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

By Woody Allen

More than at any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly. I speak, by the way, not with any sense of futility, but with a panicky conviction of the absolute meaninglessness of existence which could easily be misinterpreted as pessimism. It is not. It is merely a healthy concern for the predicament of modern man.

By Woody Allen

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

By Woody Allen