Robert Benchley Quotes

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There is probably not more than one hundred dollars in cash in circulation today. That is, if you were to call in all the bills and silver and...

By Robert Benchley
There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them.

By Robert Benchley
Nine-tenths of the value of a sense of humor in writing is not in the things it makes one write but in the things it keeps one from writing. I...

By Robert Benchley
Consider the number of young people all over the world who are getting married, day in and day out, for no other reason than that someone of t...

By Robert Benchley
And so it goes, back and forth, good church-members all, which means that their banter contains nothing off-color, and by the same token, noth...

By Robert Benchley
Anyone who tries to keep track of what is happening in China is going to end up by wearing all the skin of his left ear from twirling around o...

By Robert Benchley
One of the chief duties of the fan is to engage in arguments with the man behind him. This department of the game has been allowed to run down fearfully.

By Robert Benchley
England and America should scrap cricket and baseball and come up with a new game that they both can play. Like baseball, for example.

By Robert Benchley
Go jogging? What, and get hit by a meteor?

By Robert Benchley
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with it's just compounding the felony.

By Robert Benchley
I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.

By Robert Benchley
Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that a child cannot do much harm one way or another.

By Robert Benchley
The naturalistic literature of this country has reached such a state that no family of characters is considered true to life which does not include at least two hypochondriacs, one sadist, and one old man who spills food down the front of his vest.

By Robert Benchley
The free-lance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.

By Robert Benchley
We are constantly being surprised that people did things well before we were born. We are constantly remarking on the fact that things are done well by people other than ourselves. The Japanese are a remarkable little people, we say, as if we were doing them a favor. He is an Arab, but you ought to hear him play the zither. Why but?

By Robert Benchley
It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up, because by that time I was too famous.

By Robert Benchley
It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I coudn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

By Robert Benchley
The pencil sharpener is about as far as I have ever got in operating a complicated piece of machinery with any success.

By Robert Benchley
Tell us your phobias, and we will tell you what you are afraid of.

By Robert Benchley
Streets full of water; please advise.

By Robert Benchley
It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

By Robert Benchley
I can't bring myself to say, 'Well, I guess I'll be toddling along.' It isn't that I can't toddle. It's just that I can't guess I'll toddle.

By Robert Benchley
For a nation which has an almost evil reputation for bustle, bustle, bustle, and rush, rush, rush, we spend an enormous amount of time standing around in line in front of windows, just waiting.

By Robert Benchley
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony.

By Robert Benchley
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

By Robert Benchley
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

By Robert Benchley
As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did.

By Robert Benchley
An ardent supporter of the hometown team should go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter what happens.

By Robert Benchley
A boy can learn a lot from a dog obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

By Robert Benchley
A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

By Robert Benchley