Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Mitch Hedberg Quotes. Below is a collection of famous Mitch Hedberg quotes. Here you can find the most popular and greatest quotes by Mitch Hedberg. Share these quotations with your friends and family.

There are six ducks out here, and they all want Sun Chips!

By Mitch Hedberg
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

By Mitch Hedberg
My roommate says, I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom? It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

By Mitch Hedberg
Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.

By Mitch Hedberg
I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

By Mitch Hedberg
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

By Mitch Hedberg
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

By Mitch Hedberg
I tried walking into a Target , but I missed.

By Mitch Hedberg
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.

By Mitch Hedberg
I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.

By Mitch Hedberg
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

By Mitch Hedberg
I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music... so when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say Go around! I cannot open the wall! I dunno if you have a door on your side but over here there's nothin'. It's just flat.

By Mitch Hedberg
I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad a turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastromi,.Some one needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.

By Mitch Hedberg
I drank some boiling water... because I wanted to whistle.

By Mitch Hedberg
I get the Reese's candy bar, If you read it, there's an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time your eating a Reese's and some guy named Reese comes up to you and says let me have that. You better give it to him. I'm sorry Reece, I didn't think I would ever run into you.

By Mitch Hedberg
Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.

By Mitch Hedberg