A collection of Henny Youngman quotes. Here you can find well-known quotes by Henny Youngman.

"You look like a talent scout for a cemetery."

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"You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler."

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"You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready."

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"You have a nice personality, but not for a human being."

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"Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering."

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"Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!"

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"Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to."

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"Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it."

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"Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?"

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"We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops."

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"Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?"

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"Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket."

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"Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries."

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"Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it."

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"Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous."

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"This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!"

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"This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest."

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"This man dresses like an unmade bed."

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"This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number."

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"There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out."

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"The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!"

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"The patient says, 'Doctor, it hurts when I do this.' 'Then don't do that!'"

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"The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs."

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"The more I think of you, the less I think of you."

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"The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail."

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"The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip."

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"The food on the plane was fit for a king. 'Here, King!'"

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"The Doctor says, 'You'll live to be 60!' 'I AM 60!' 'See, what did I tell you?'"

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"The doctor says to the patient, 'Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window'. 'What will that do?' asks the patient. The doctor says, 'I'm mad at my neighbor!'"

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"The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, 'Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.' Mrs. Cohen answered, 'So did my arthritis!'"

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"That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!"

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"Take my wife, please!"

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"Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did."

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"She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face."

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"She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match."

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"She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate."

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"She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late for the garbage?' 'No, jump in!'"

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"She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, 'Tut, Tut!'"

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"She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said, 'There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down! So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair."

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"She has a wash and wear bridal gown."

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"She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off."

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"Nurse: 'Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office'. Doctor: 'Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.'"

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"Now, the band that inspired that great saying, 'Stop The Music!!'"

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"My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator."

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"My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake."

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"My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week."

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"My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!"

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"My wife is an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud."

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"My wife has a black belt in shopping."

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"My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, 'Where are you going?' My wife said, 'I must be late, everyone is all coming back!'"

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"My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea."

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"My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried."

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"My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

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"My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him."

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"My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!"

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"My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked."

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"My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself."

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"My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says 'Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!'"

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"My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable."

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"My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, 'Cough!'"

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"My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash."

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"My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo."

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"My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, 'Crick'."

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"Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!"

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"I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?"

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"I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me!"

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"Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?"

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"In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, 'We want Youngman! We want Youngman!' The coach says, 'Youngman - go see what they want!'"

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"In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, 'Why didn't you walk down?' He said, 'because I was going up!'"

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"I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt."

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"If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas."

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"If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope."

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"If I had blood, I'd blush."

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"I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of."

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"I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, 'What do you want?' 'A match' 'Why didn't you ask me?' 'I don't talk to strangers.'"

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"I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, 'Let's get up here before we get killed!'"

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"I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry."

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"I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back."

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"I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him."

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"I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium."

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"I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car."

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"I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads."

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"I know a guy who had his doctor say, 'Take some weight off, go to a health club.' The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!"

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"I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport."

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"I just finished my income tax forms. Who says you can't get wounded by a blank?"

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"I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!"

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"I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby."

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"I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, 'Which way do I go?' But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race..."

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"I came home, the car was in the dining room. 'How did you get the car in here?' 'Easy, I took a left at the kitchen.'"

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"I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood."

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"I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'Somewhere I have never been!' I told her, 'How about the kitchen?'"

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"I asked a Jewish man, 'Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?' He said, 'Yes', and walked away."

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"How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O"

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"Hollywood called me, asking me, 'How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?' '$50,000' They called back, 'How about $20,000?' I said, 'I'll pay it!'"

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"His motto is 'Love Thy Neighbor'. His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker."

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"He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face."

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"Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece."

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"God sneezed. I didn't know what to say to him!"

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"Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, 'Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami.' She said, 'We can't do that!' I told her, 'You did it last week!'"

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"Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look."

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